by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I love it when people tell me, "You're so lucky. You've never had a weight problem."
Ha! Little do they know!
I struggled with diets and weight gain for YEARS! I've been on Weight Watchers, Nutri-system, Jenny Craig, the Hotdog diet, the Grapefruit diet, the Cabbage diet...to name a FEW! Some of them worked...for a while. Most of them made me crazy!
Although I'll never be a "skinny minny", I have grown to respect my body (most of the time). And even though I am not a "diet and nutrition expert", I've discovered 6 non-obsessive ways to feel great and maintain a comfortable body weight.
I call it the "Love Life" Diet.
1. Throw Away Your Scale
Your weight is a useless piece of data. Muscle weighs more than fat anyway. And just because you're "skinnier" doesn't mean you're "healthier".
Now...the thought of tossing your scale may freak you out! (It did me at first.)
I'd been slave to that flat piece of metal since my adolescence. (One Christmas I came home from college after gaining 30 pounds my first semester freshman year. My father threw me on the bathroom scale so I could "put my weight before me". Talk about horrifying!) (And embarrassing!)
But still...throwing away my scale was one of the scariest things I've ever done. How would I hold myself accountable? I didn't trust my body. I worried that I'd blow up to be the size of the Goodyear Blimp.
But I did it. I took the risk. I tossed that bloody scale. And I've never looked back. (In fact, when I go to the doctor's office, I turn my back when getting on the scale and WARN the assistant not to utter my tonnage, lest risk my wrath!)
I don't know my weight and I don't care. My clothes tell me when I'm puffy or thin. And I've stopped the insanity of "weighing in" on the almighty scale.
2. Express Your Feelings, Don't Stuff Them Down
Learning how to communicate your feelings in a logical rational way may be the best "Love Life" diet tip. When you're able to express your feelings, you're less likely to stuff down your emotions with food (or other substances).
It's soooooo important to be able to say what you want or what you think. Or express what you don't want or feel uncomfortable with. Even at the risk of making someone upset with you.
If you can't risk hurting someone else's feelings, you risk hurting yourself.
What your mind can't assimilate (understand) and your mouth can't articulate (say), your body will demonstrate (gaining weight).
And weight gain isn't the only price tag. Your physical, mental and emotional health will pay dearly too.
3. Listen to Your Body
Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you're full. Your body will let you know what it wants and how much.
Your body will tell you when it needs to relax or needs to move. It will tell you when it feels well and when it doesn't.
Your body knows what it craves, but often your head argues. Your "old habits" get in the way by telling you what you "should" do.
Does this sound familiar?
Body: "Ice cream."
Head: "You can't have ice cream."
Body: "Chocolate."
Head: "You're too fat."
And on and on and on...
If your body craves ice cream, eat it. Enjoy it. Stop the madness and deprivation in your head. It's just ice cream! One scoop isn't going to make you fat. (The whole carton might.)
I appreciate it takes a huge leap of faith to listen to your body over what your head thinks. (Or what someone else thinks.) But once you REALLY start paying attention to Your Body and eating what It wants, you'll never go back to "dieting" again.
4. Eat "WOW" Foods
I have two categories for food: "WOW" Food and "Filler" Food.
"WOW" food is great food! (1) Your body craves it and is so satisfied when it eats it or (2) the food is SOOOOO good that it doesn't matter if you eat more. It's worth paying the price!
"Filler" food is just that. It's food that fills you up when you're hungry. "Filler" food is fuel. It gives you energy. "Filler" food is easier to say "no" to when you're full.
I do my best to eat "WOW" food...because I hate wasting stomach space with "filler" food. When I satisfy my cravings, I feel better. I don't obsess and I'm not deprived.
It cracks me up when a friend comments on the dessert tray..."Oh, that looks so good, but I can't eat it. It's too fattening."
Well...yes. And no. Who says you have to eat the whole thing? Personally, I'd rather have a few bites of a fabulous "WOW" than a whole lot of "low fat filler" that tastes like crap.
I don't know how it works, but eating real "WOW" food...no matter how "fattening" it is...fills me up quicker and satisfies me more without the weight gain.
5. Don't Panic If You Gain a Few Pounds
Like tides of the sea, weight comes and goes. DON'T PANIC if you start to feel yourself getting a little heavier!
Years ago, I beat myself up if I gained weight. I punished my body by starving or eating yucky "health" food that I hated. I gave myself mental bashings about how unworthy I was or undisciplined or fat.
The result: I gained more weight.
Not any more!
Now, when I notice myself eating more...and my clothes are getting tighter...and I feel that extra "pudge" around my waist...
I say to myself, "Cherry, you're eating too much. What's going on? Is there something stressing you out? Something you need to say? Or do you just need to control your portion size (or stop drinking wine for a while)? Do you really WANT that second piece of pie? How's it going to feel after you eat it?"
If I reeeaaaalllly want it, I eat it. But I'm used to my body telling me when it's full and I can always have it LATER if I don't eat it now.
That's a big key...knowing you aren't depriving yourself. That you can have ANYTHING you want...as long as your body tells you it's hungry.
6. Move Your Butt!
If you think "exercise is boring" or "don't have time", you haven't found the "WOW" of exercise.
Getting in the habit of moving your body is one of the best things you'll ever do for yourself.
Good Morning America recently said, "If you walk 30 minutes, five days a week, you will extend your life. (I forget for how many years.) (Sorry.) Walking is easy and cheap and the payoffs are enormous!
I combine walking with The Bar Method because I like the toning, strengthening and flexibility the class offers. (Plus the music is great and the teachers are cute!)
Like any habit, starting to exercise can take a couple months to integrate into your routine. I don't need to preach to you about the benefits of exercise. You already know it helps your heart, gives you a glowing complexion and decreases your appetite.
For me, exercise feels great. I'm not one of those "gotta get results" people (although I do look better by doing it). If I don't feel high energy during my class or walk, I don't push it. Just showing up and doing it is good enough for me. I listen to my body and it tells me how hard it wants to work.
So get up and move! Believe me, your butt will thank you!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
How to Love Life & Look Good Through the Holidays!
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I am a holiday person. Always have been. Christmas was a big deal in our family. (And I'm a December baby, thus twice the fun.)
Mother was (and still is) a big Christmas person. She relishes in the ceremony of decorating the house, buying the perfect gifts, planning our Christmas Eve dinner, attending the candlelight service and celebrating with ALL our family...cousins, aunts and uncles.
My sister, Laura, is a "keep it simple" person, but I'm like Mother. I like my home to look festive. I love decorating the tree. I enjoy planning a cocktail party or sit down dinner. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE wrapping gifts. (I do Not love writing Christmas cards, however I do love receiving them!)
I appreciate not everyone relishes in celebrating the holidays. There are years when I've taken "time off" and not had a tree or hosted a party, but I do my best to celebrate the season in some way.
Regardless of where you are or what you're doing in this "time of cheer", here are 5 gift ideas you can give yourself as well as others.
1. Give Presence
How you show up, how you enter a room, whether it's on a date or attending a party, can determine the level of success (or lack of success) for your evening.
Giving presence is doing your best to look good, feel good, taste good, smell good and sound good when you're going out.
Wear something you feel GREAT in! Take an exercise class after work or listen to soothing music while driving. If possible, take a bath or a quick nap before going out. (When I'm short on time, I brush my teeth for instant refreshment.)
When you're out, Speak Respectfully. Even if you don't agree with what someone says, giving him the courtesy of listening is giving presence to the moment.
(BTW...Giving presents are nice too.:))
2. Give Back
This "gift" is especially important for all you "feminine" ladies who LOVE giving to your men! Whether it's a phone call or a card or a gift...I can't stress enough that if you want to keep your man in a position of Respect, DO NOT give as much as he does. I repeat...DO NOT!
If you give equally, you risk neutralizing the relationship. If you give more, he's indebted to you and that's not a price tag he's gonna wanna pay...Nor YOU! You risk becoming "big mama" and he will NEVER live up to your expectations! Ever!
NEWS FLASH: Men typically don't have the "heart warming fuzzies" women feel around the holidays. You may think it's important you get him that nice gift or send him a card, but unless he gives first, I don't advise it.
(ONE Exception: If you want to take a risk on "jump starting" a new relationship with a man you haven't heard from in the past two months, send him a card and see if you hear from him. If you don't, move on. He's gone.)
Giving back a little less may make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Believe me...a masculine man will always feel better about giving more to his feminine woman.*
* Ladies, if you want to be the more generous giver, then by all means, give more. It's your choice. Just be conscious of your "role". Masculine "givers" are usually with feminine "receivers" in EVERY romantic relationship...regardless of gender.
3. Give a Smile
Smiles are easy and cheap. And smiles make you look good. Like the song says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile". So don't leave home without one!
The funny thing about a smile is, even when you don't feel like smiling, when you do it, it makes you feel better. Try it. Push up the corners of your mouth (use your fingers if necessary) and see what happens.
Nothing? Do it again.
And again.
Once more...
Starting to feel it? Good. Keep it on! :)
4. Give a Compliment
My father used to say, "Give three sincere compliments a day and people will like you and remember you."
My husband tells me daily how beautiful I look...even without my make-up. (Gasp!)
Lorenzo also tells the women he works with, "Que bella...how beautiful you are." (Yes, yes, he's a charmer.) More than that, Lorenzo knows that compliments make the women feel better and in return they like and respect him. And that makes him look good and feel good!
Give compliments of appreciation when someone does something nice for you. Appreciate the date that takes you to a concert or a friend who invites you to a party. Thank the busboy that filled your water glass or the security guard who held the door open to the store.
People feel good when they're acknowledged and that's You giving a great gift.
5. Give Thanks
It's a cliche expression because it works. If you're thankful for what you have...you'll feel much more comfortable than focusing on what you don't have.
(I'd love to have a second home in Aspen and a private jet to fly us there. Focusing on it makes me depressed.)
Instead, I'm thankful to have my survival needs met. I'm thankful for my husband (that I worked looooonnnnngggg and hard to have). I'm thankful for my family (they're not perfect people, but there's a lot of love). I have my health. I have my faith. I have creative outlets, my friends, etc... I'm thankful every day.
I appreciate your frustration if you're single and want a relationship...especially during the holidays. It's the time of year when it seems like every ad or TV show promotes lovers and families warmly celebrating together and everybody has somebody but you! It's not true...but that's what sells.
Everybody has his or her stuff. EVERYBODY. By focusing on what you don't have, you're more likely to attract more of that...what you don't have. Focus instead on what you do have and be grateful for the relationship (or money or whatever) that's coming into your life.
A great story about "giving thanks" involves my friend, Lisa.
Six months ago, Lisa had an accident leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors said it was uncertain she would ever walk again. Lisa has not given up. Since May, her road to recovery has been slow and painful. Now she's walking (with help) and she's driving (with hand gears) and more importantly, she's grateful.
For what? You may ask.
Many of us would cry and complain in this situation.
Not Lisa. Lisa feels blessed. Lisa feels grateful for her Mother (who moved in to help for four months) and for her friends (who've cleaned her house). She appreciates having to "slow down" after working 30 years in the TV industry. Now Lisa has time to enjoy her home, her animals and nap when she's tired. She's just starting back to work in her new home office. And she continues to give thanks.
Lisa is an inspiration.
So this Holiday Season, may you Love Life and Look Good with the many gifts you give and receive.
I am a holiday person. Always have been. Christmas was a big deal in our family. (And I'm a December baby, thus twice the fun.)
Mother was (and still is) a big Christmas person. She relishes in the ceremony of decorating the house, buying the perfect gifts, planning our Christmas Eve dinner, attending the candlelight service and celebrating with ALL our family...cousins, aunts and uncles.
My sister, Laura, is a "keep it simple" person, but I'm like Mother. I like my home to look festive. I love decorating the tree. I enjoy planning a cocktail party or sit down dinner. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE wrapping gifts. (I do Not love writing Christmas cards, however I do love receiving them!)
I appreciate not everyone relishes in celebrating the holidays. There are years when I've taken "time off" and not had a tree or hosted a party, but I do my best to celebrate the season in some way.
Regardless of where you are or what you're doing in this "time of cheer", here are 5 gift ideas you can give yourself as well as others.
1. Give Presence
How you show up, how you enter a room, whether it's on a date or attending a party, can determine the level of success (or lack of success) for your evening.
Giving presence is doing your best to look good, feel good, taste good, smell good and sound good when you're going out.
Wear something you feel GREAT in! Take an exercise class after work or listen to soothing music while driving. If possible, take a bath or a quick nap before going out. (When I'm short on time, I brush my teeth for instant refreshment.)
When you're out, Speak Respectfully. Even if you don't agree with what someone says, giving him the courtesy of listening is giving presence to the moment.
(BTW...Giving presents are nice too.:))
2. Give Back
This "gift" is especially important for all you "feminine" ladies who LOVE giving to your men! Whether it's a phone call or a card or a gift...I can't stress enough that if you want to keep your man in a position of Respect, DO NOT give as much as he does. I repeat...DO NOT!
If you give equally, you risk neutralizing the relationship. If you give more, he's indebted to you and that's not a price tag he's gonna wanna pay...Nor YOU! You risk becoming "big mama" and he will NEVER live up to your expectations! Ever!
NEWS FLASH: Men typically don't have the "heart warming fuzzies" women feel around the holidays. You may think it's important you get him that nice gift or send him a card, but unless he gives first, I don't advise it.
(ONE Exception: If you want to take a risk on "jump starting" a new relationship with a man you haven't heard from in the past two months, send him a card and see if you hear from him. If you don't, move on. He's gone.)
Giving back a little less may make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Believe me...a masculine man will always feel better about giving more to his feminine woman.*
* Ladies, if you want to be the more generous giver, then by all means, give more. It's your choice. Just be conscious of your "role". Masculine "givers" are usually with feminine "receivers" in EVERY romantic relationship...regardless of gender.
3. Give a Smile
Smiles are easy and cheap. And smiles make you look good. Like the song says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile". So don't leave home without one!
The funny thing about a smile is, even when you don't feel like smiling, when you do it, it makes you feel better. Try it. Push up the corners of your mouth (use your fingers if necessary) and see what happens.
Nothing? Do it again.
And again.
Once more...
Starting to feel it? Good. Keep it on! :)
4. Give a Compliment
My father used to say, "Give three sincere compliments a day and people will like you and remember you."
My husband tells me daily how beautiful I look...even without my make-up. (Gasp!)
Lorenzo also tells the women he works with, "Que bella...how beautiful you are." (Yes, yes, he's a charmer.) More than that, Lorenzo knows that compliments make the women feel better and in return they like and respect him. And that makes him look good and feel good!
Give compliments of appreciation when someone does something nice for you. Appreciate the date that takes you to a concert or a friend who invites you to a party. Thank the busboy that filled your water glass or the security guard who held the door open to the store.
People feel good when they're acknowledged and that's You giving a great gift.
5. Give Thanks
It's a cliche expression because it works. If you're thankful for what you have...you'll feel much more comfortable than focusing on what you don't have.
(I'd love to have a second home in Aspen and a private jet to fly us there. Focusing on it makes me depressed.)
Instead, I'm thankful to have my survival needs met. I'm thankful for my husband (that I worked looooonnnnngggg and hard to have). I'm thankful for my family (they're not perfect people, but there's a lot of love). I have my health. I have my faith. I have creative outlets, my friends, etc... I'm thankful every day.
I appreciate your frustration if you're single and want a relationship...especially during the holidays. It's the time of year when it seems like every ad or TV show promotes lovers and families warmly celebrating together and everybody has somebody but you! It's not true...but that's what sells.
Everybody has his or her stuff. EVERYBODY. By focusing on what you don't have, you're more likely to attract more of that...what you don't have. Focus instead on what you do have and be grateful for the relationship (or money or whatever) that's coming into your life.
A great story about "giving thanks" involves my friend, Lisa.
Six months ago, Lisa had an accident leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors said it was uncertain she would ever walk again. Lisa has not given up. Since May, her road to recovery has been slow and painful. Now she's walking (with help) and she's driving (with hand gears) and more importantly, she's grateful.
For what? You may ask.
Many of us would cry and complain in this situation.
Not Lisa. Lisa feels blessed. Lisa feels grateful for her Mother (who moved in to help for four months) and for her friends (who've cleaned her house). She appreciates having to "slow down" after working 30 years in the TV industry. Now Lisa has time to enjoy her home, her animals and nap when she's tired. She's just starting back to work in her new home office. And she continues to give thanks.
Lisa is an inspiration.
So this Holiday Season, may you Love Life and Look Good with the many gifts you give and receive.
Friday, November 30, 2007
3 Simple Steps to Getting Your Needs Met
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last week, Lorenzo and I attended our neighbor's surprise birthday party.
Over a glass of Prosecco (our favorite Italian sparkling wine...yum!), Linda, the birthday girl, told me of a wedding shower she is giving for her friend's daughter in January. As an "entertaining aficionado", Linda thrives on party planning and is a great host. She was planning a sit down dinner around our pool.
Beautiful. Romantic. Right? WRONG.
Three more "friends" want to help host Linda's shower. Each "friend" brought a different vision (and a different price tag) for the party.
One changed the location. One redesigned the invite. One ordered fabric to make a quilted Jewish hoopa (a canopy for the bride and groom)...and since she's leaving town, Linda's left sewing it together. (Linda's not Jewish.) (Not that it matters.)
Linda didn't know what to do (or say) to the "friends" who redesigned her shower. Now she's feeling stuck, overwhelmed and responsible for a party she's no longer in control of.
What started as a celebration of love has turned into a collaboration of disagreements, mixed agendas and impositions on Linda.
But what can she do?
Here are three choices:
1. First, Linda can accept she's no longer in control and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get through the party...and swear she'll NEVER do it again. Right.
HELLO! If Linda doesn't get what to do now, you can bet she'll find herself in this situation again. (And again.) (And again.)
2. Second, Linda can take a stand for what she will or will not do.
3. Third, Linda can "tolerate" it. If Linda chooses to tolerate the situation, she risks getting sick or feeling resentful. Or both. (Not the best choice.)
Let's say Linda gathers her courage and decides not to make the hoopa. She takes a risk on Getting her Needs Met (so she might actually enjoy the party).
What she does is: "Caress, Express and Address"
1. Caress
My Aunt Nancy used to say, "If you want to give someone a criticism, start with a compliment."
Dr. Pat Allen calls it a "stroke".
I say, "Caress" (because it rhymes with Express & Address:))
When you "caress" someone, you're giving the person the right to be a human being and doing things their way...even if You think it's wrong. Everybody has a right to be wrong. (Yes, even him) (So does she) (Yes, I know.)
Start with something like, "You have every right to do this, be that, have whatever or say what you just did..." Or give them a compliment like, "I think you're great, your ideas are interesting, etc..."
Linda could say, "I appreciate your idea for a hoopa..."
2. Express
Then "Express" what you want or don't want.
Say what you think. Or express what you don't feel uncomfortable with.
Use phrases like, "I want that, I see it like this, I don't feel the same way, I feel disrespected when you're late, etc..."
Linda can express, "I don't want the responsibility of making the hoopa while you're away."
3. Address
Then "Address" it. Deal with the problem between you by making an agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, a "Price Tag" must be determined.
In other words, what is the cost of a non-negotiable or a broken agreement? (Generally a non-negotiable is just that. It cannot be negotiated. So you either agree to disagree or it's the end of the relationship.)
Ask something like, "How do you feel about re-scheduling? What do you think about not doing that behavior when you're around me?" Or state the cost for a broken agreement, "I will not be here if you're late again, etc..."
Linda could say, "You'll need to find someone else to make the hoopa because I'm doing the table arrangements."
"Price Tag" for Linda's not making the hoopa: There may be no hoopa. (Not Linda's problem now, is it?) If the "friend" wants a hoopa, she'll find another way to make it.
Yes, Linda risks the "friend" getting upset, but what is Linda's "Price Tag" for agreeing to do something she doesn't want to do? Resentment. Anger. Feeling sick. Or worse...
If Linda states her terms and her "friend" accepts it, they've reached a greater understanding and respect of each other...thus deepening their relationship.
"Caressing, Expressing and Addressing" allows you to make an agreement with your date, partner or friend and take your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. (If an agreement is broken, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Simply make a new agreement and do your best to honor it.)
Remember...the only way we know we love ourselves and others is by the agreements we make and are willing to keep.
For more coaching in "Getting Your Needs Met" in Romantic Relationships order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship CD series.
Last week, Lorenzo and I attended our neighbor's surprise birthday party.
Over a glass of Prosecco (our favorite Italian sparkling wine...yum!), Linda, the birthday girl, told me of a wedding shower she is giving for her friend's daughter in January. As an "entertaining aficionado", Linda thrives on party planning and is a great host. She was planning a sit down dinner around our pool.
Beautiful. Romantic. Right? WRONG.
Three more "friends" want to help host Linda's shower. Each "friend" brought a different vision (and a different price tag) for the party.
One changed the location. One redesigned the invite. One ordered fabric to make a quilted Jewish hoopa (a canopy for the bride and groom)...and since she's leaving town, Linda's left sewing it together. (Linda's not Jewish.) (Not that it matters.)
Linda didn't know what to do (or say) to the "friends" who redesigned her shower. Now she's feeling stuck, overwhelmed and responsible for a party she's no longer in control of.
What started as a celebration of love has turned into a collaboration of disagreements, mixed agendas and impositions on Linda.
But what can she do?
Here are three choices:
1. First, Linda can accept she's no longer in control and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get through the party...and swear she'll NEVER do it again. Right.
HELLO! If Linda doesn't get what to do now, you can bet she'll find herself in this situation again. (And again.) (And again.)
2. Second, Linda can take a stand for what she will or will not do.
3. Third, Linda can "tolerate" it. If Linda chooses to tolerate the situation, she risks getting sick or feeling resentful. Or both. (Not the best choice.)
Let's say Linda gathers her courage and decides not to make the hoopa. She takes a risk on Getting her Needs Met (so she might actually enjoy the party).
What she does is: "Caress, Express and Address"
1. Caress
My Aunt Nancy used to say, "If you want to give someone a criticism, start with a compliment."
Dr. Pat Allen calls it a "stroke".
I say, "Caress" (because it rhymes with Express & Address:))
When you "caress" someone, you're giving the person the right to be a human being and doing things their way...even if You think it's wrong. Everybody has a right to be wrong. (Yes, even him) (So does she) (Yes, I know.)
Start with something like, "You have every right to do this, be that, have whatever or say what you just did..." Or give them a compliment like, "I think you're great, your ideas are interesting, etc..."
Linda could say, "I appreciate your idea for a hoopa..."
2. Express
Then "Express" what you want or don't want.
Say what you think. Or express what you don't feel uncomfortable with.
Use phrases like, "I want that, I see it like this, I don't feel the same way, I feel disrespected when you're late, etc..."
Linda can express, "I don't want the responsibility of making the hoopa while you're away."
3. Address
Then "Address" it. Deal with the problem between you by making an agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, a "Price Tag" must be determined.
In other words, what is the cost of a non-negotiable or a broken agreement? (Generally a non-negotiable is just that. It cannot be negotiated. So you either agree to disagree or it's the end of the relationship.)
Ask something like, "How do you feel about re-scheduling? What do you think about not doing that behavior when you're around me?" Or state the cost for a broken agreement, "I will not be here if you're late again, etc..."
Linda could say, "You'll need to find someone else to make the hoopa because I'm doing the table arrangements."
"Price Tag" for Linda's not making the hoopa: There may be no hoopa. (Not Linda's problem now, is it?) If the "friend" wants a hoopa, she'll find another way to make it.
Yes, Linda risks the "friend" getting upset, but what is Linda's "Price Tag" for agreeing to do something she doesn't want to do? Resentment. Anger. Feeling sick. Or worse...
If Linda states her terms and her "friend" accepts it, they've reached a greater understanding and respect of each other...thus deepening their relationship.
"Caressing, Expressing and Addressing" allows you to make an agreement with your date, partner or friend and take your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. (If an agreement is broken, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Simply make a new agreement and do your best to honor it.)
Remember...the only way we know we love ourselves and others is by the agreements we make and are willing to keep.
For more coaching in "Getting Your Needs Met" in Romantic Relationships order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship CD series.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
How to Clean Up After Your Break Up
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
It's over. They're gone. Your heart is broken. The dream is shattered. Crushed. You turn to your friends for solace. Or self-help books. Or religion. Or pints of Hagen Daas. Or booze.
But NOTHING helps. NOTHING fills the void.
And it isn't pretty. In fact, it's dark. Definitely not the lighter side of life.
So what can you do? How can you pick up and clean up and remove this unending pain?
1. Know You're Not Alone
We've all been there. We've all suffered loss. Most of us have invested in a relationship that didn't meet our expectations or didn't work out the way we planned.
NEWS FLASH: Half the marriages in America end in divorce. (Like my first marriage.)
I've had more "failed" relationships than I've had "successful" ones. I've had more men break my heart than I've broken bread sticks over the last twenty years. And guess what? I'm still here. I didn't die. (Although I felt like I could have at times!)
After every heartbreak I swear I'll never love again. I swear I'll never allow myself to be hurt again. It's tooooo painful. I'm toooooo vulnerable. And guess what?
Like a fool, I do it again.
But here's the thing...I've learned more about myself with every encounter. Each man I've dated has brought me more understanding of who I am as a human and spiritual being. My past relationships prepared me for the wonderful marriage I have today. Without these experiences, I may not have found (much less appreciated) my husband.
2. If You're the One Left Behind...Congratulations!
Dr. Pat Allen says, "He/She who leaves the relationship first is destined to repeat same karma. He/She who stays until lesson is learned moves to next better mate."
If your partner left prematurely, YOU move to "next higher place".
How do you know when your relationship (this lesson) is over?
When you feel nothing. When ALL the energy is gone. When there's nothing left but apathy and empathy. (When you can't watch them chew, it's REALLY over.)
* The one exception to leaving first is if you are being physically or emotionally abused. RUN, don't walk. Get out ASAP!
3. You Cannot Be "Friends" With Your "Ex" Until You Both Have New Partners.
Often during a break-up, couples will want to remain "friends".
NOT a great idea.
The sooner you "de-bond" with your "ex", the sooner you'll heal and meet someone new.
If you're a woman who's been left by a man and he keeps "circling" back where you can still smell him...BEWARE! His presence isn't doing you any favors. He's keeping you physically glued.
Ever heard of oxytocin? It's a hormone in your body that triggers every time you smell, taste or touch him. Like a drug it will keep you physically addicted. Your mind will say, "no, no, no", but you're body keeps you engaged. If your "ex" wants to be "friends", say, "No, thanks!" and walk away.
4. Get Out There and "Duty Date"
Break-ups take time. It's part of the process.
But you can help yourself heal quicker by going back out into the market...even if you don't FEEL like it. Start "Duty Dating". (The film is a great motivator to get you going.:))
Yes, it's horrible. No one will look good to you. You'll be repulsed by everyone you meet. But do it anyway.
Act as if you're enjoying it. Fake it until you find yourself receptive to meeting someone new. It isn't easy, but it's the quickest way to heal a broken heart.
5. You're the Star of Your Relationship
Put yourself in a position of power by allowing your dates to demonstrate what they can do for you. What can they offer that will make your life better? What can they do for you that you can't do for yourself? Give yourself more choices.
Think of Scarlet O'Hara at the picnic. Attract as many beaus (or belles) as possible. Take the opportunity to learn what you like or dislike in a mate.
Who are you with that person? Are you having fun? Is he a generous, protective and cherishing man? Is she an available, receptive and respecting woman?
6. Take Care of You
Be kind. Stop blaming yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Take bubble baths or long walks. Get a massage. Enjoy your friends. Exercise. Take care of your body.
Break-ups are challenging. But ending a relationship can better prepare you for the next one by helping you know what you want (or don't want). The good news is you have a new opportunity to create something different with someone new.
The down side is...it's not easy. It takes time to heal. It's normal to feel scared or uncomfortable as you put yourself back out there.
But remember, you're not alone. We've all been there.
It's over. They're gone. Your heart is broken. The dream is shattered. Crushed. You turn to your friends for solace. Or self-help books. Or religion. Or pints of Hagen Daas. Or booze.
But NOTHING helps. NOTHING fills the void.
And it isn't pretty. In fact, it's dark. Definitely not the lighter side of life.
So what can you do? How can you pick up and clean up and remove this unending pain?
1. Know You're Not Alone
We've all been there. We've all suffered loss. Most of us have invested in a relationship that didn't meet our expectations or didn't work out the way we planned.
NEWS FLASH: Half the marriages in America end in divorce. (Like my first marriage.)
I've had more "failed" relationships than I've had "successful" ones. I've had more men break my heart than I've broken bread sticks over the last twenty years. And guess what? I'm still here. I didn't die. (Although I felt like I could have at times!)
After every heartbreak I swear I'll never love again. I swear I'll never allow myself to be hurt again. It's tooooo painful. I'm toooooo vulnerable. And guess what?
Like a fool, I do it again.
But here's the thing...I've learned more about myself with every encounter. Each man I've dated has brought me more understanding of who I am as a human and spiritual being. My past relationships prepared me for the wonderful marriage I have today. Without these experiences, I may not have found (much less appreciated) my husband.
2. If You're the One Left Behind...Congratulations!
Dr. Pat Allen says, "He/She who leaves the relationship first is destined to repeat same karma. He/She who stays until lesson is learned moves to next better mate."
If your partner left prematurely, YOU move to "next higher place".
How do you know when your relationship (this lesson) is over?
When you feel nothing. When ALL the energy is gone. When there's nothing left but apathy and empathy. (When you can't watch them chew, it's REALLY over.)
* The one exception to leaving first is if you are being physically or emotionally abused. RUN, don't walk. Get out ASAP!
3. You Cannot Be "Friends" With Your "Ex" Until You Both Have New Partners.
Often during a break-up, couples will want to remain "friends".
NOT a great idea.
The sooner you "de-bond" with your "ex", the sooner you'll heal and meet someone new.
If you're a woman who's been left by a man and he keeps "circling" back where you can still smell him...BEWARE! His presence isn't doing you any favors. He's keeping you physically glued.
Ever heard of oxytocin? It's a hormone in your body that triggers every time you smell, taste or touch him. Like a drug it will keep you physically addicted. Your mind will say, "no, no, no", but you're body keeps you engaged. If your "ex" wants to be "friends", say, "No, thanks!" and walk away.
4. Get Out There and "Duty Date"
Break-ups take time. It's part of the process.
But you can help yourself heal quicker by going back out into the market...even if you don't FEEL like it. Start "Duty Dating". (The film is a great motivator to get you going.:))
Yes, it's horrible. No one will look good to you. You'll be repulsed by everyone you meet. But do it anyway.
Act as if you're enjoying it. Fake it until you find yourself receptive to meeting someone new. It isn't easy, but it's the quickest way to heal a broken heart.
5. You're the Star of Your Relationship
Put yourself in a position of power by allowing your dates to demonstrate what they can do for you. What can they offer that will make your life better? What can they do for you that you can't do for yourself? Give yourself more choices.
Think of Scarlet O'Hara at the picnic. Attract as many beaus (or belles) as possible. Take the opportunity to learn what you like or dislike in a mate.
Who are you with that person? Are you having fun? Is he a generous, protective and cherishing man? Is she an available, receptive and respecting woman?
6. Take Care of You
Be kind. Stop blaming yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Take bubble baths or long walks. Get a massage. Enjoy your friends. Exercise. Take care of your body.
Break-ups are challenging. But ending a relationship can better prepare you for the next one by helping you know what you want (or don't want). The good news is you have a new opportunity to create something different with someone new.
The down side is...it's not easy. It takes time to heal. It's normal to feel scared or uncomfortable as you put yourself back out there.
But remember, you're not alone. We've all been there.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
What To Do (or Not Do) In Your First Encounter...So You Don't Blow It!
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
There's a lot of advice suggesting people need to be brave enough to speak first with someone they find cute and interesting.
Not a clever idea. Why is that?
Because you don't know if the person you've approached is really interested in YOU! They may just be acting polite.
So how can you tell if someone you find interesting is interested in you?
1. Signal the One You Want by Looking in Their Eyes and Smiling for FIVE Seconds
Yes, I know this is tough. But it's important! You need to signal the one you're interested in by getting in their eyeballs and holding the look long enough to see if they're interested, available or safe.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
Generally people who approach others without being signaled are drunk or nerds. So signal the one you want by smiling for five seconds. Three seconds is polite; Four isn't enough; Five gets attention.
(If your lip gets stuck on your tooth or the saliva in your mouth falls to your armpits while smiling, don't panic. It's normal.)
2. Understand the Power of Speaking First
Very often a woman will start a conversation with a man she's interested in and then feel disappointed when he doesn't ask for her phone number. There's a reason for that.
If a woman speaks first, the man will respect her. He'll think, "God, she's brave. She spoke first. I can relax. I can sit back while she does all the work."
Ladies, speaking first establishes you to be the primary initiator and sets up you chasing him.
3. There Are NO Bad Pick-Up Lines
Whoever speaks first is the leader. Gentlemen, if you want to earn a woman's respect, be brave enough to approach her and say SOMETHING. Anything. Whatever. It doesn't matter how stupid you sound.
There are No bad pick-up lines when you've been signaled and are courageous enough to walk across the room.
You don't have to be clever. Be yourself. The simpler, the better. Say something like "hello" and introduce yourself.
4. Follow The Leader
Ladies, if someone you've signaled approaches you and speaks, be open and receptive to what he's saying.
Ignore his awkwardness and follow his lead. Listen and let him present. Let him impress you with his qualifications, not the other way around. Answer a man's questions simply and respectfully. You don't need to perform.
5. If You're The Leader, Ask For What You Want!
Gentlemen, if you meet a lady and you want her number, offer her a plan and ask how she feels about it. It could be as simple as "I'd like to take you for coffee. How do you feel about it?" If she's receptive, then ask for her number and see if she's comfortable giving it to you.
Whatever you do...Don't give her your card and ask her to call! She probably WON'T.
Ladies, if a man you're interested in gives you his card and you want him to call...Turn the card over, write your number (or e-mail) and hand it back to him. (If you're not interested, take his card and simply say, "thank you".)
There's a lot of advice suggesting people need to be brave enough to speak first with someone they find cute and interesting.
Not a clever idea. Why is that?
Because you don't know if the person you've approached is really interested in YOU! They may just be acting polite.
So how can you tell if someone you find interesting is interested in you?
1. Signal the One You Want by Looking in Their Eyes and Smiling for FIVE Seconds
Yes, I know this is tough. But it's important! You need to signal the one you're interested in by getting in their eyeballs and holding the look long enough to see if they're interested, available or safe.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
Generally people who approach others without being signaled are drunk or nerds. So signal the one you want by smiling for five seconds. Three seconds is polite; Four isn't enough; Five gets attention.
(If your lip gets stuck on your tooth or the saliva in your mouth falls to your armpits while smiling, don't panic. It's normal.)
2. Understand the Power of Speaking First
Very often a woman will start a conversation with a man she's interested in and then feel disappointed when he doesn't ask for her phone number. There's a reason for that.
If a woman speaks first, the man will respect her. He'll think, "God, she's brave. She spoke first. I can relax. I can sit back while she does all the work."
Ladies, speaking first establishes you to be the primary initiator and sets up you chasing him.
3. There Are NO Bad Pick-Up Lines
Whoever speaks first is the leader. Gentlemen, if you want to earn a woman's respect, be brave enough to approach her and say SOMETHING. Anything. Whatever. It doesn't matter how stupid you sound.
There are No bad pick-up lines when you've been signaled and are courageous enough to walk across the room.
You don't have to be clever. Be yourself. The simpler, the better. Say something like "hello" and introduce yourself.
4. Follow The Leader
Ladies, if someone you've signaled approaches you and speaks, be open and receptive to what he's saying.
Ignore his awkwardness and follow his lead. Listen and let him present. Let him impress you with his qualifications, not the other way around. Answer a man's questions simply and respectfully. You don't need to perform.
5. If You're The Leader, Ask For What You Want!
Gentlemen, if you meet a lady and you want her number, offer her a plan and ask how she feels about it. It could be as simple as "I'd like to take you for coffee. How do you feel about it?" If she's receptive, then ask for her number and see if she's comfortable giving it to you.
Whatever you do...Don't give her your card and ask her to call! She probably WON'T.
Ladies, if a man you're interested in gives you his card and you want him to call...Turn the card over, write your number (or e-mail) and hand it back to him. (If you're not interested, take his card and simply say, "thank you".)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
How to Say "No"...After You've Said "Yes"
By Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last week I felt terrible. I'd made plans with my client/friend LeeAnn to go to Chicago to decorate her new apartment.
I was so excited. I love being flown to Chicago to shop with someone else's money. Definitely ALL over that!
The two weeks prior to my trip were chocked full. My mother-in-law was visiting from Italy. I shot a TV pilot. I spent a week in North Carolina. I co-hosted a friend's Birthday Tea in our home. We went to parties. We've had back-to-back company. I've barely seen my husband in a month. And now I need to fly to Chicago (with the rest of LeeAnn's stuff!) IT'S TOO MUCH!
But I can't say "No"!
Can I? I mean...I committed to Chicago. I have to go. What about the ticket? What about LeeAnn's disappointment? What about her stuff? But....What about Me? I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in three nights. I don't want to go to Chicago feeling tired and resentful. And I HATE leaving my husband...again! Crap! What am I gonna do?
Have you ever said "yes" when you need to say "no"?
Even if you WANT to do something! (If it's a big ol' SHOULD or you're simply AFRAID to say "no", same rules apply.)
I"m a big supporter of contracts and agreements. Dr. Pat Allen says, "Making and keeping commitments is how we know we truly love ourselves and others."
So the first question to ask yourself is: "Who is my commitment to?"
If you're a Feminine ingenue...
1. Your First Commitment is to Yourself
Feminine energies create off feelings. So if you FEEL like you've gotten yourself IN to something you need to get OUT of...consider this:
Taking care of yourself is your first responsibility.
As difficult as it was to call LeeAnn and say, "No, I'm not coming", it would have been more difficult to go. I would not have been the person I wanted to be in Chicago at that time. And we BOTH would have paid for it.
2. Sometimes We Need to Say "Yes" to Better Understand Our "No's"
I'm always searching for the "pendulum" balance. Often I find my pendulum needs to swing past my comfort level before I recognize where my balance is. (This can be in ANY scenario... like, I've eaten too many donuts or I've had sex too soon and need to step back)
In this case, I'd over-estimated myself. I thought I could "love life" doing EVERYTHING I wanted and still feel good. I couldn't. I had to say "No".
When you have to say "No", set up a conversation with the other person. Start with, "there's something I need to speak to you about. Is now a good time?" (Hopefully they'll say "yes"...if not, arrange another time.)
3. It's Not About Them, It's About YOU!
Let them know it's not personal.
Tell them, "I love you; I think you're great; you're doing everything right, etc...but there's something I need to do...and that is cancel, reschedule or break the commitment."
4. Don't Make Excuses...Speak From the Heart
Come from the heart and speak truthfully. (They'll know if you're lying anyway!) My experience is that people don't argue with the truth. They may not like it. They may try to change your mind. But they don't argue with it.
Say something like, "I know I agreed to (do this, have that, be whatever) but I'm not able to do it because I've (over-committed, under-estimated myself or it doesn't FEEL right.)"
5. No Favor Goes Unpunished
If you do it anyway, you'll pay for it. You'll resent them. Or punish them (or worse, punish yourself) in a negative, inappropriate and destructive way. It's called "passive/aggressive behavior". (And don't act like you've never done it. You're not THAT holy.)
As bad as I felt about disappointing LeeAnn, I told her I couldn't be the person I wanted to be in Chicago and I needed to re-schedule.
By being honest with yourself and saying, "no" to others, you spare them from your wrath. And that's being kind and loving.
6. Love Them, but Love Yourself More
The Feminine mantras are "I do for me for you" and "I FEEL good to DO good."
(Affirm these mantras daily, girls!)
A self-centered feminine ingenue is balanced, anchored and gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. And that means knowing how to say "No".
Selfish people only care about what they want and not about anyone else. Self-less women give to others before their own needs. NEWS FLASH...Masculine men do NOT fall in love with Women who GIVE too much! (Yes, really!)
Although this isn't a "romantic" story, it is about relationships. In healthy relationships (friendship, family, work or romance) there are boundaries and there are times to say "no"...not only for the betterment of yourself, but for the relationship as well.
BTW...Later, LeeAnn admitted it was fine I didn't join her because she's met so many new people...including a new man! Now that's a happy ending!
Last week I felt terrible. I'd made plans with my client/friend LeeAnn to go to Chicago to decorate her new apartment.
I was so excited. I love being flown to Chicago to shop with someone else's money. Definitely ALL over that!
The two weeks prior to my trip were chocked full. My mother-in-law was visiting from Italy. I shot a TV pilot. I spent a week in North Carolina. I co-hosted a friend's Birthday Tea in our home. We went to parties. We've had back-to-back company. I've barely seen my husband in a month. And now I need to fly to Chicago (with the rest of LeeAnn's stuff!) IT'S TOO MUCH!
But I can't say "No"!
Can I? I mean...I committed to Chicago. I have to go. What about the ticket? What about LeeAnn's disappointment? What about her stuff? But....What about Me? I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in three nights. I don't want to go to Chicago feeling tired and resentful. And I HATE leaving my husband...again! Crap! What am I gonna do?
Have you ever said "yes" when you need to say "no"?
Even if you WANT to do something! (If it's a big ol' SHOULD or you're simply AFRAID to say "no", same rules apply.)
I"m a big supporter of contracts and agreements. Dr. Pat Allen says, "Making and keeping commitments is how we know we truly love ourselves and others."
So the first question to ask yourself is: "Who is my commitment to?"
If you're a Feminine ingenue...
1. Your First Commitment is to Yourself
Feminine energies create off feelings. So if you FEEL like you've gotten yourself IN to something you need to get OUT of...consider this:
Taking care of yourself is your first responsibility.
As difficult as it was to call LeeAnn and say, "No, I'm not coming", it would have been more difficult to go. I would not have been the person I wanted to be in Chicago at that time. And we BOTH would have paid for it.
2. Sometimes We Need to Say "Yes" to Better Understand Our "No's"
I'm always searching for the "pendulum" balance. Often I find my pendulum needs to swing past my comfort level before I recognize where my balance is. (This can be in ANY scenario... like, I've eaten too many donuts or I've had sex too soon and need to step back)
In this case, I'd over-estimated myself. I thought I could "love life" doing EVERYTHING I wanted and still feel good. I couldn't. I had to say "No".
When you have to say "No", set up a conversation with the other person. Start with, "there's something I need to speak to you about. Is now a good time?" (Hopefully they'll say "yes"...if not, arrange another time.)
3. It's Not About Them, It's About YOU!
Let them know it's not personal.
Tell them, "I love you; I think you're great; you're doing everything right, etc...but there's something I need to do...and that is cancel, reschedule or break the commitment."
4. Don't Make Excuses...Speak From the Heart
Come from the heart and speak truthfully. (They'll know if you're lying anyway!) My experience is that people don't argue with the truth. They may not like it. They may try to change your mind. But they don't argue with it.
Say something like, "I know I agreed to (do this, have that, be whatever) but I'm not able to do it because I've (over-committed, under-estimated myself or it doesn't FEEL right.)"
5. No Favor Goes Unpunished
If you do it anyway, you'll pay for it. You'll resent them. Or punish them (or worse, punish yourself) in a negative, inappropriate and destructive way. It's called "passive/aggressive behavior". (And don't act like you've never done it. You're not THAT holy.)
As bad as I felt about disappointing LeeAnn, I told her I couldn't be the person I wanted to be in Chicago and I needed to re-schedule.
By being honest with yourself and saying, "no" to others, you spare them from your wrath. And that's being kind and loving.
6. Love Them, but Love Yourself More
The Feminine mantras are "I do for me for you" and "I FEEL good to DO good."
(Affirm these mantras daily, girls!)
A self-centered feminine ingenue is balanced, anchored and gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. And that means knowing how to say "No".
Selfish people only care about what they want and not about anyone else. Self-less women give to others before their own needs. NEWS FLASH...Masculine men do NOT fall in love with Women who GIVE too much! (Yes, really!)
Although this isn't a "romantic" story, it is about relationships. In healthy relationships (friendship, family, work or romance) there are boundaries and there are times to say "no"...not only for the betterment of yourself, but for the relationship as well.
BTW...Later, LeeAnn admitted it was fine I didn't join her because she's met so many new people...including a new man! Now that's a happy ending!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
4 Roles in Relationships...Which One Are You?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Are you having difficulty finding what you're looking for in a romantic relationship? Perhaps you're in a relationship, but you're not getting your needs met. Before blaming your partner or giving up (thinking there's no one out there for you), you may want to take a good look at your role in relationships and what it is you're attracting.
1. The Masculine "Hero"
As men and women, it's normal to compete in sports, in business or in school. We're taught it's appropriate to go out and get what we want in the world. We're rewarded for producing. We're rewarded for thinking. We're compensated for performance. That's all good.
But, do you compete in your romantic relationships?
A masculine "hero" is the partner who knows what "he" wants and goes out to get it. "He" gives, protects and cherishes other's feelings. Women are "heroes" when they are nurturing and mothering. Nurturing and mothering are masculine skills (shocking, but true). Masculine "heroes" think, act, and problem-solve. They are "neck up" people. Mental. Male. Money.
Many times romantic relationships end up going competitive because there are two too many masculine "heroes" at play.
2. The Feminine "Ingénue"
"Feminine" is often confused with "passive". Feminine energy is not passive. The feminine "ingénue" is a potent, powerful energy, but operates very differently from the masculine "hero".
A feminine "ingénue" gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. Ingénues receive, are available and are open to ideas and suggestions. Feminine ingénues respect heroic masculine leaders.
The feminine mantra is "yes, thank you, please" and saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, unethical or illegal.
Feminine "ingénues" are feeling oriented. If it feels good, they do it. They receive and give back in appreciation. They are "neck down" people. Feeling. Physical. In the body.
Unlike masculine "heroes' who go competitive in wanting to achieve and win, feminine "ingénues" go competitive with feelings. I call this, "who's the better girl?" syndrome. (Often it's the man.:))
3. The Narcissistic "Master"
If there is such a thing as a "healthy narcissist", it would have to be a single person. "What do I want to do? What do I feel like eating? I have to pay my bills. I don't feel like going out tonight." A single person's role is to act on their thoughts and take care of their feelings.
In a relationship, the role of a narcissistic "master" goes to the one partner who gets his (or her) thoughts respected AND his (or her) feelings cherished.
The narcissist plays both masculine "hero" and feminine "ingénue" roles in a relationship leaving very little (if any) room for the poor, unworthy, unfortunate...
4. The Doormat "Slave"
The doormat "slave" position has no voice. The doormat "slave's" only role is to serve their super egotistical narcissistic partner.
The doormat slave respects his (or her) partner's thoughts and cherishes his (or her) feelings and is seldom rewarded or acknowledged for their own needs.
When a doormat slave is noticed, it's usually to be kicked or walked upon. Often when the doormat "slave" has incorrectly "mind read" the wants or needs of their "master" partner or has done something "displeasing", disaster can occur. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
Are you having difficulty finding what you're looking for in a romantic relationship? Perhaps you're in a relationship, but you're not getting your needs met. Before blaming your partner or giving up (thinking there's no one out there for you), you may want to take a good look at your role in relationships and what it is you're attracting.
1. The Masculine "Hero"
As men and women, it's normal to compete in sports, in business or in school. We're taught it's appropriate to go out and get what we want in the world. We're rewarded for producing. We're rewarded for thinking. We're compensated for performance. That's all good.
But, do you compete in your romantic relationships?
A masculine "hero" is the partner who knows what "he" wants and goes out to get it. "He" gives, protects and cherishes other's feelings. Women are "heroes" when they are nurturing and mothering. Nurturing and mothering are masculine skills (shocking, but true). Masculine "heroes" think, act, and problem-solve. They are "neck up" people. Mental. Male. Money.
Many times romantic relationships end up going competitive because there are two too many masculine "heroes" at play.
2. The Feminine "Ingénue"
"Feminine" is often confused with "passive". Feminine energy is not passive. The feminine "ingénue" is a potent, powerful energy, but operates very differently from the masculine "hero".
A feminine "ingénue" gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. Ingénues receive, are available and are open to ideas and suggestions. Feminine ingénues respect heroic masculine leaders.
The feminine mantra is "yes, thank you, please" and saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, unethical or illegal.
Feminine "ingénues" are feeling oriented. If it feels good, they do it. They receive and give back in appreciation. They are "neck down" people. Feeling. Physical. In the body.
Unlike masculine "heroes' who go competitive in wanting to achieve and win, feminine "ingénues" go competitive with feelings. I call this, "who's the better girl?" syndrome. (Often it's the man.:))
3. The Narcissistic "Master"
If there is such a thing as a "healthy narcissist", it would have to be a single person. "What do I want to do? What do I feel like eating? I have to pay my bills. I don't feel like going out tonight." A single person's role is to act on their thoughts and take care of their feelings.
In a relationship, the role of a narcissistic "master" goes to the one partner who gets his (or her) thoughts respected AND his (or her) feelings cherished.
The narcissist plays both masculine "hero" and feminine "ingénue" roles in a relationship leaving very little (if any) room for the poor, unworthy, unfortunate...
4. The Doormat "Slave"
The doormat "slave" position has no voice. The doormat "slave's" only role is to serve their super egotistical narcissistic partner.
The doormat slave respects his (or her) partner's thoughts and cherishes his (or her) feelings and is seldom rewarded or acknowledged for their own needs.
When a doormat slave is noticed, it's usually to be kicked or walked upon. Often when the doormat "slave" has incorrectly "mind read" the wants or needs of their "master" partner or has done something "displeasing", disaster can occur. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
7 Secrets to a Successful Relationship
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Whether you're looking for romance or are already in a relationship, the 7 secrets below are essential in having a healthy, intimate, romantic relationship. If you're interested in getting great results, demystifying the dating process, and being the best you can be in a relationship, you've come to the right place.
1. Understand Your Role in a Relationship
There are two roles in an intimate romantic relationship. One is the masculine. The other is the feminine. Masculine people get what they want by asking and going for it. Feminine energies get what they want by honoring their feelings and saying "no" to what they don't want.
In my film, DUTY DATING, I call these roles passengers and drivers. If you have two drivers, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere. So pick one and stick with it for at least the first two months. This way when your relationship goes off track (and believe me, it will) you can go back to your original "role" and get back on course.
2. Commit to the Relationship, Not the Person
Do your part and hope your partner does theirs. People are imperfect human beings. We all screw up. Therefore, commit to the relationship and not your partner. Your partner will disappoint you at times. (Sad, but true) So it's a good idea to have at least two reasons to stay in the relationship when you want to "kill 'em".
When I find myself asking, "What the (blank) was I thinking when I married this jerk?" I remember that Lorenzo cooks and I get free French and Italian lessons. For me, that's good value.
3. If he/she is 51%...Keep them
You're probably thinking, "Wow. That's low." I hope you find someone who's greater than 51%, but are days when your partner won't rate a zero! (Hopefully those days are few!) In the overall package, if your partner is more "good" than "bad", you've got a good deal. Recognize it and appreciate it.
4. Never "Trust" Anyone
People are SHOCKED when I tell them I don't trust my husband. And it's true, I don't. (In fact, I don't trust anyone.) My husband is human and humans say one thing, then turn around and do something different. (You know, like "I'm going to get in shape." Then a month later, you still haven't gotten to the gym.)
What I do is "take a risk" on my husband and have faith he'll do what he says he's going to do. As we keep our agreements to each other, we build a "trustworthy" relationship over time.
5. Conflict Builds Intimacy
Never be in relationship with anyone you don't want to fight with, otherwise you risk building. It is through conflict and disagreement that we give ourselves the opportunity to understand more of the other person's point of view.
My husband and I come from two different cultures. Our world-views often clash. Believe me, we've had MANY opportunities to build intimacy throughout our relationship! So don't be afraid of conflict. In fact, making up can be fantastic!
6. Give Your Partner the "Right" to be "Wrong"
Communication is often the biggest key to relationship success. When you disagree, let your partner know that he/she has every right to think, feel, behave, react, etc. the way they do. Then express your feelings or thoughts about why you don't agree. Finally, negotiate an agreement with each other of what you will (or won't) accept. If you can't reach an agreement, recognize you may be done.
7. Stay As Long As the Love Shall Last
Knowing when to leave a relationship is as valuable as knowing how to stay. If you can't make and keep agreements or you're in a relationship that is physically or verbally abusive, get out a.s.a.p.! Traditional wedding vows have couples staying "until death do us part".
At our wedding ceremony, I said, "I'll stay as long as the love shall last". (The justice marrying us almost dropped his book!) What I meant was, I'll stay until the death of our relationship. Whether it's physical death or the death of our love. I will stay as long as there's "energy" on our relationship. If it turns to apathy and empathy, time to go.
Whether you're looking for romance or are already in a relationship, the 7 secrets below are essential in having a healthy, intimate, romantic relationship. If you're interested in getting great results, demystifying the dating process, and being the best you can be in a relationship, you've come to the right place.
1. Understand Your Role in a Relationship
There are two roles in an intimate romantic relationship. One is the masculine. The other is the feminine. Masculine people get what they want by asking and going for it. Feminine energies get what they want by honoring their feelings and saying "no" to what they don't want.
In my film, DUTY DATING, I call these roles passengers and drivers. If you have two drivers, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere. So pick one and stick with it for at least the first two months. This way when your relationship goes off track (and believe me, it will) you can go back to your original "role" and get back on course.
2. Commit to the Relationship, Not the Person
Do your part and hope your partner does theirs. People are imperfect human beings. We all screw up. Therefore, commit to the relationship and not your partner. Your partner will disappoint you at times. (Sad, but true) So it's a good idea to have at least two reasons to stay in the relationship when you want to "kill 'em".
When I find myself asking, "What the (blank) was I thinking when I married this jerk?" I remember that Lorenzo cooks and I get free French and Italian lessons. For me, that's good value.
3. If he/she is 51%...Keep them
You're probably thinking, "Wow. That's low." I hope you find someone who's greater than 51%, but are days when your partner won't rate a zero! (Hopefully those days are few!) In the overall package, if your partner is more "good" than "bad", you've got a good deal. Recognize it and appreciate it.
4. Never "Trust" Anyone
People are SHOCKED when I tell them I don't trust my husband. And it's true, I don't. (In fact, I don't trust anyone.) My husband is human and humans say one thing, then turn around and do something different. (You know, like "I'm going to get in shape." Then a month later, you still haven't gotten to the gym.)
What I do is "take a risk" on my husband and have faith he'll do what he says he's going to do. As we keep our agreements to each other, we build a "trustworthy" relationship over time.
5. Conflict Builds Intimacy
Never be in relationship with anyone you don't want to fight with, otherwise you risk building. It is through conflict and disagreement that we give ourselves the opportunity to understand more of the other person's point of view.
My husband and I come from two different cultures. Our world-views often clash. Believe me, we've had MANY opportunities to build intimacy throughout our relationship! So don't be afraid of conflict. In fact, making up can be fantastic!
6. Give Your Partner the "Right" to be "Wrong"
Communication is often the biggest key to relationship success. When you disagree, let your partner know that he/she has every right to think, feel, behave, react, etc. the way they do. Then express your feelings or thoughts about why you don't agree. Finally, negotiate an agreement with each other of what you will (or won't) accept. If you can't reach an agreement, recognize you may be done.
7. Stay As Long As the Love Shall Last
Knowing when to leave a relationship is as valuable as knowing how to stay. If you can't make and keep agreements or you're in a relationship that is physically or verbally abusive, get out a.s.a.p.! Traditional wedding vows have couples staying "until death do us part".
At our wedding ceremony, I said, "I'll stay as long as the love shall last". (The justice marrying us almost dropped his book!) What I meant was, I'll stay until the death of our relationship. Whether it's physical death or the death of our love. I will stay as long as there's "energy" on our relationship. If it turns to apathy and empathy, time to go.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Cherry Norris' Very First Blog
Hello!
My name is Cherry Norris. I've been known as The Dating Director for the past few years and I help single people to have the romantic relationship they desire.
I originally moved to Los Angeles to become a filmmaker. Yes, I admit, it's a bit cliche...but who among us hasn't had dreams?
So after years of studying the craft of filmmaking, I wrote, directed and produced the romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, about a woman, who on the advice of a love doctor does all the right things to marry the wrong man.
Here's the "one sheet" of the film. It really is a cute movie and more importantly has tons of great information on how relationships really work. I wish I'd had this information in my teens! It would have saved me many, many, many hours of time and frustration weeping over the wrong men!
The film is based on the teachings of Dr. Pat Allen, author of "Getting to 'I Do'." Pat is a licensed therapist who dramatically changed the way I operate with men and ultimately taught me how to love myself and stop working so hard to get what I wanted. Not easy work, but totally worth it!
After making the film, I used what I learned about relationships to marry my husband, Lorenzo. Here we are on our wedding day, September 21, 2002, in Cortina d'Ampazzo, Italy.
After Lorenzo and I married, I started teaching live Dating Director workshops in Los Angeles. The workshops are very interactive. Men and women create the relationship they want, then practice with each other so they are confident and comfortable when they're out meeting new people.
Then I took my eight week Dating Director workshop and packaged it into an eight week home study program called "The Role of a Lifetime".
If you want to jump start your next romantic relationship or self direct the one you're already in, I invite you to check it out!
I decided to write a blog because:
1. My client, friend and realtor, Dana Erlich, suggested it's a great marketing tool to support my on-line business.
2. I've been a slacker on writing my Dating Director newsletters, so I thought a blog would be a great place to share experiences and updates of what's happening in my life.
3. My scrapbooks are SO FAR behind (I still haven't finished my wedding album!), so I figure I can recap some of my travels and adventures in an edited, easy to share format.
4. I've always loved storytelling. I love hearing stories. I love telling stories, so here is a place I can!
I hope you enjoy the journey! :)
My name is Cherry Norris. I've been known as The Dating Director for the past few years and I help single people to have the romantic relationship they desire.
I originally moved to Los Angeles to become a filmmaker. Yes, I admit, it's a bit cliche...but who among us hasn't had dreams?
So after years of studying the craft of filmmaking, I wrote, directed and produced the romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, about a woman, who on the advice of a love doctor does all the right things to marry the wrong man.
Here's the "one sheet" of the film. It really is a cute movie and more importantly has tons of great information on how relationships really work. I wish I'd had this information in my teens! It would have saved me many, many, many hours of time and frustration weeping over the wrong men!
The film is based on the teachings of Dr. Pat Allen, author of "Getting to 'I Do'." Pat is a licensed therapist who dramatically changed the way I operate with men and ultimately taught me how to love myself and stop working so hard to get what I wanted. Not easy work, but totally worth it!
After making the film, I used what I learned about relationships to marry my husband, Lorenzo. Here we are on our wedding day, September 21, 2002, in Cortina d'Ampazzo, Italy.
After Lorenzo and I married, I started teaching live Dating Director workshops in Los Angeles. The workshops are very interactive. Men and women create the relationship they want, then practice with each other so they are confident and comfortable when they're out meeting new people.
Then I took my eight week Dating Director workshop and packaged it into an eight week home study program called "The Role of a Lifetime".
If you want to jump start your next romantic relationship or self direct the one you're already in, I invite you to check it out!
I decided to write a blog because:
1. My client, friend and realtor, Dana Erlich, suggested it's a great marketing tool to support my on-line business.
2. I've been a slacker on writing my Dating Director newsletters, so I thought a blog would be a great place to share experiences and updates of what's happening in my life.
3. My scrapbooks are SO FAR behind (I still haven't finished my wedding album!), so I figure I can recap some of my travels and adventures in an edited, easy to share format.
4. I've always loved storytelling. I love hearing stories. I love telling stories, so here is a place I can!
I hope you enjoy the journey! :)
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