by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
There's a lot of advice suggesting people need to be brave enough to speak first with someone they find cute and interesting.
Not a clever idea. Why is that?
Because you don't know if the person you've approached is really interested in YOU! They may just be acting polite.
So how can you tell if someone you find interesting is interested in you?
1. Signal the One You Want by Looking in Their Eyes and Smiling for FIVE Seconds
Yes, I know this is tough. But it's important! You need to signal the one you're interested in by getting in their eyeballs and holding the look long enough to see if they're interested, available or safe.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
Generally people who approach others without being signaled are drunk or nerds. So signal the one you want by smiling for five seconds. Three seconds is polite; Four isn't enough; Five gets attention.
(If your lip gets stuck on your tooth or the saliva in your mouth falls to your armpits while smiling, don't panic. It's normal.)
2. Understand the Power of Speaking First
Very often a woman will start a conversation with a man she's interested in and then feel disappointed when he doesn't ask for her phone number. There's a reason for that.
If a woman speaks first, the man will respect her. He'll think, "God, she's brave. She spoke first. I can relax. I can sit back while she does all the work."
Ladies, speaking first establishes you to be the primary initiator and sets up you chasing him.
3. There Are NO Bad Pick-Up Lines
Whoever speaks first is the leader. Gentlemen, if you want to earn a woman's respect, be brave enough to approach her and say SOMETHING. Anything. Whatever. It doesn't matter how stupid you sound.
There are No bad pick-up lines when you've been signaled and are courageous enough to walk across the room.
You don't have to be clever. Be yourself. The simpler, the better. Say something like "hello" and introduce yourself.
4. Follow The Leader
Ladies, if someone you've signaled approaches you and speaks, be open and receptive to what he's saying.
Ignore his awkwardness and follow his lead. Listen and let him present. Let him impress you with his qualifications, not the other way around. Answer a man's questions simply and respectfully. You don't need to perform.
5. If You're The Leader, Ask For What You Want!
Gentlemen, if you meet a lady and you want her number, offer her a plan and ask how she feels about it. It could be as simple as "I'd like to take you for coffee. How do you feel about it?" If she's receptive, then ask for her number and see if she's comfortable giving it to you.
Whatever you do...Don't give her your card and ask her to call! She probably WON'T.
Ladies, if a man you're interested in gives you his card and you want him to call...Turn the card over, write your number (or e-mail) and hand it back to him. (If you're not interested, take his card and simply say, "thank you".)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
How to Say "No"...After You've Said "Yes"
By Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last week I felt terrible. I'd made plans with my client/friend LeeAnn to go to Chicago to decorate her new apartment.
I was so excited. I love being flown to Chicago to shop with someone else's money. Definitely ALL over that!
The two weeks prior to my trip were chocked full. My mother-in-law was visiting from Italy. I shot a TV pilot. I spent a week in North Carolina. I co-hosted a friend's Birthday Tea in our home. We went to parties. We've had back-to-back company. I've barely seen my husband in a month. And now I need to fly to Chicago (with the rest of LeeAnn's stuff!) IT'S TOO MUCH!
But I can't say "No"!
Can I? I mean...I committed to Chicago. I have to go. What about the ticket? What about LeeAnn's disappointment? What about her stuff? But....What about Me? I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in three nights. I don't want to go to Chicago feeling tired and resentful. And I HATE leaving my husband...again! Crap! What am I gonna do?
Have you ever said "yes" when you need to say "no"?
Even if you WANT to do something! (If it's a big ol' SHOULD or you're simply AFRAID to say "no", same rules apply.)
I"m a big supporter of contracts and agreements. Dr. Pat Allen says, "Making and keeping commitments is how we know we truly love ourselves and others."
So the first question to ask yourself is: "Who is my commitment to?"
If you're a Feminine ingenue...
1. Your First Commitment is to Yourself
Feminine energies create off feelings. So if you FEEL like you've gotten yourself IN to something you need to get OUT of...consider this:
Taking care of yourself is your first responsibility.
As difficult as it was to call LeeAnn and say, "No, I'm not coming", it would have been more difficult to go. I would not have been the person I wanted to be in Chicago at that time. And we BOTH would have paid for it.
2. Sometimes We Need to Say "Yes" to Better Understand Our "No's"
I'm always searching for the "pendulum" balance. Often I find my pendulum needs to swing past my comfort level before I recognize where my balance is. (This can be in ANY scenario... like, I've eaten too many donuts or I've had sex too soon and need to step back)
In this case, I'd over-estimated myself. I thought I could "love life" doing EVERYTHING I wanted and still feel good. I couldn't. I had to say "No".
When you have to say "No", set up a conversation with the other person. Start with, "there's something I need to speak to you about. Is now a good time?" (Hopefully they'll say "yes"...if not, arrange another time.)
3. It's Not About Them, It's About YOU!
Let them know it's not personal.
Tell them, "I love you; I think you're great; you're doing everything right, etc...but there's something I need to do...and that is cancel, reschedule or break the commitment."
4. Don't Make Excuses...Speak From the Heart
Come from the heart and speak truthfully. (They'll know if you're lying anyway!) My experience is that people don't argue with the truth. They may not like it. They may try to change your mind. But they don't argue with it.
Say something like, "I know I agreed to (do this, have that, be whatever) but I'm not able to do it because I've (over-committed, under-estimated myself or it doesn't FEEL right.)"
5. No Favor Goes Unpunished
If you do it anyway, you'll pay for it. You'll resent them. Or punish them (or worse, punish yourself) in a negative, inappropriate and destructive way. It's called "passive/aggressive behavior". (And don't act like you've never done it. You're not THAT holy.)
As bad as I felt about disappointing LeeAnn, I told her I couldn't be the person I wanted to be in Chicago and I needed to re-schedule.
By being honest with yourself and saying, "no" to others, you spare them from your wrath. And that's being kind and loving.
6. Love Them, but Love Yourself More
The Feminine mantras are "I do for me for you" and "I FEEL good to DO good."
(Affirm these mantras daily, girls!)
A self-centered feminine ingenue is balanced, anchored and gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. And that means knowing how to say "No".
Selfish people only care about what they want and not about anyone else. Self-less women give to others before their own needs. NEWS FLASH...Masculine men do NOT fall in love with Women who GIVE too much! (Yes, really!)
Although this isn't a "romantic" story, it is about relationships. In healthy relationships (friendship, family, work or romance) there are boundaries and there are times to say "no"...not only for the betterment of yourself, but for the relationship as well.
BTW...Later, LeeAnn admitted it was fine I didn't join her because she's met so many new people...including a new man! Now that's a happy ending!
Last week I felt terrible. I'd made plans with my client/friend LeeAnn to go to Chicago to decorate her new apartment.
I was so excited. I love being flown to Chicago to shop with someone else's money. Definitely ALL over that!
The two weeks prior to my trip were chocked full. My mother-in-law was visiting from Italy. I shot a TV pilot. I spent a week in North Carolina. I co-hosted a friend's Birthday Tea in our home. We went to parties. We've had back-to-back company. I've barely seen my husband in a month. And now I need to fly to Chicago (with the rest of LeeAnn's stuff!) IT'S TOO MUCH!
But I can't say "No"!
Can I? I mean...I committed to Chicago. I have to go. What about the ticket? What about LeeAnn's disappointment? What about her stuff? But....What about Me? I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in three nights. I don't want to go to Chicago feeling tired and resentful. And I HATE leaving my husband...again! Crap! What am I gonna do?
Have you ever said "yes" when you need to say "no"?
Even if you WANT to do something! (If it's a big ol' SHOULD or you're simply AFRAID to say "no", same rules apply.)
I"m a big supporter of contracts and agreements. Dr. Pat Allen says, "Making and keeping commitments is how we know we truly love ourselves and others."
So the first question to ask yourself is: "Who is my commitment to?"
If you're a Feminine ingenue...
1. Your First Commitment is to Yourself
Feminine energies create off feelings. So if you FEEL like you've gotten yourself IN to something you need to get OUT of...consider this:
Taking care of yourself is your first responsibility.
As difficult as it was to call LeeAnn and say, "No, I'm not coming", it would have been more difficult to go. I would not have been the person I wanted to be in Chicago at that time. And we BOTH would have paid for it.
2. Sometimes We Need to Say "Yes" to Better Understand Our "No's"
I'm always searching for the "pendulum" balance. Often I find my pendulum needs to swing past my comfort level before I recognize where my balance is. (This can be in ANY scenario... like, I've eaten too many donuts or I've had sex too soon and need to step back)
In this case, I'd over-estimated myself. I thought I could "love life" doing EVERYTHING I wanted and still feel good. I couldn't. I had to say "No".
When you have to say "No", set up a conversation with the other person. Start with, "there's something I need to speak to you about. Is now a good time?" (Hopefully they'll say "yes"...if not, arrange another time.)
3. It's Not About Them, It's About YOU!
Let them know it's not personal.
Tell them, "I love you; I think you're great; you're doing everything right, etc...but there's something I need to do...and that is cancel, reschedule or break the commitment."
4. Don't Make Excuses...Speak From the Heart
Come from the heart and speak truthfully. (They'll know if you're lying anyway!) My experience is that people don't argue with the truth. They may not like it. They may try to change your mind. But they don't argue with it.
Say something like, "I know I agreed to (do this, have that, be whatever) but I'm not able to do it because I've (over-committed, under-estimated myself or it doesn't FEEL right.)"
5. No Favor Goes Unpunished
If you do it anyway, you'll pay for it. You'll resent them. Or punish them (or worse, punish yourself) in a negative, inappropriate and destructive way. It's called "passive/aggressive behavior". (And don't act like you've never done it. You're not THAT holy.)
As bad as I felt about disappointing LeeAnn, I told her I couldn't be the person I wanted to be in Chicago and I needed to re-schedule.
By being honest with yourself and saying, "no" to others, you spare them from your wrath. And that's being kind and loving.
6. Love Them, but Love Yourself More
The Feminine mantras are "I do for me for you" and "I FEEL good to DO good."
(Affirm these mantras daily, girls!)
A self-centered feminine ingenue is balanced, anchored and gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. And that means knowing how to say "No".
Selfish people only care about what they want and not about anyone else. Self-less women give to others before their own needs. NEWS FLASH...Masculine men do NOT fall in love with Women who GIVE too much! (Yes, really!)
Although this isn't a "romantic" story, it is about relationships. In healthy relationships (friendship, family, work or romance) there are boundaries and there are times to say "no"...not only for the betterment of yourself, but for the relationship as well.
BTW...Later, LeeAnn admitted it was fine I didn't join her because she's met so many new people...including a new man! Now that's a happy ending!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
4 Roles in Relationships...Which One Are You?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Are you having difficulty finding what you're looking for in a romantic relationship? Perhaps you're in a relationship, but you're not getting your needs met. Before blaming your partner or giving up (thinking there's no one out there for you), you may want to take a good look at your role in relationships and what it is you're attracting.
1. The Masculine "Hero"
As men and women, it's normal to compete in sports, in business or in school. We're taught it's appropriate to go out and get what we want in the world. We're rewarded for producing. We're rewarded for thinking. We're compensated for performance. That's all good.
But, do you compete in your romantic relationships?
A masculine "hero" is the partner who knows what "he" wants and goes out to get it. "He" gives, protects and cherishes other's feelings. Women are "heroes" when they are nurturing and mothering. Nurturing and mothering are masculine skills (shocking, but true). Masculine "heroes" think, act, and problem-solve. They are "neck up" people. Mental. Male. Money.
Many times romantic relationships end up going competitive because there are two too many masculine "heroes" at play.
2. The Feminine "Ingénue"
"Feminine" is often confused with "passive". Feminine energy is not passive. The feminine "ingénue" is a potent, powerful energy, but operates very differently from the masculine "hero".
A feminine "ingénue" gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. Ingénues receive, are available and are open to ideas and suggestions. Feminine ingénues respect heroic masculine leaders.
The feminine mantra is "yes, thank you, please" and saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, unethical or illegal.
Feminine "ingénues" are feeling oriented. If it feels good, they do it. They receive and give back in appreciation. They are "neck down" people. Feeling. Physical. In the body.
Unlike masculine "heroes' who go competitive in wanting to achieve and win, feminine "ingénues" go competitive with feelings. I call this, "who's the better girl?" syndrome. (Often it's the man.:))
3. The Narcissistic "Master"
If there is such a thing as a "healthy narcissist", it would have to be a single person. "What do I want to do? What do I feel like eating? I have to pay my bills. I don't feel like going out tonight." A single person's role is to act on their thoughts and take care of their feelings.
In a relationship, the role of a narcissistic "master" goes to the one partner who gets his (or her) thoughts respected AND his (or her) feelings cherished.
The narcissist plays both masculine "hero" and feminine "ingénue" roles in a relationship leaving very little (if any) room for the poor, unworthy, unfortunate...
4. The Doormat "Slave"
The doormat "slave" position has no voice. The doormat "slave's" only role is to serve their super egotistical narcissistic partner.
The doormat slave respects his (or her) partner's thoughts and cherishes his (or her) feelings and is seldom rewarded or acknowledged for their own needs.
When a doormat slave is noticed, it's usually to be kicked or walked upon. Often when the doormat "slave" has incorrectly "mind read" the wants or needs of their "master" partner or has done something "displeasing", disaster can occur. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
Are you having difficulty finding what you're looking for in a romantic relationship? Perhaps you're in a relationship, but you're not getting your needs met. Before blaming your partner or giving up (thinking there's no one out there for you), you may want to take a good look at your role in relationships and what it is you're attracting.
1. The Masculine "Hero"
As men and women, it's normal to compete in sports, in business or in school. We're taught it's appropriate to go out and get what we want in the world. We're rewarded for producing. We're rewarded for thinking. We're compensated for performance. That's all good.
But, do you compete in your romantic relationships?
A masculine "hero" is the partner who knows what "he" wants and goes out to get it. "He" gives, protects and cherishes other's feelings. Women are "heroes" when they are nurturing and mothering. Nurturing and mothering are masculine skills (shocking, but true). Masculine "heroes" think, act, and problem-solve. They are "neck up" people. Mental. Male. Money.
Many times romantic relationships end up going competitive because there are two too many masculine "heroes" at play.
2. The Feminine "Ingénue"
"Feminine" is often confused with "passive". Feminine energy is not passive. The feminine "ingénue" is a potent, powerful energy, but operates very differently from the masculine "hero".
A feminine "ingénue" gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. Ingénues receive, are available and are open to ideas and suggestions. Feminine ingénues respect heroic masculine leaders.
The feminine mantra is "yes, thank you, please" and saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, unethical or illegal.
Feminine "ingénues" are feeling oriented. If it feels good, they do it. They receive and give back in appreciation. They are "neck down" people. Feeling. Physical. In the body.
Unlike masculine "heroes' who go competitive in wanting to achieve and win, feminine "ingénues" go competitive with feelings. I call this, "who's the better girl?" syndrome. (Often it's the man.:))
3. The Narcissistic "Master"
If there is such a thing as a "healthy narcissist", it would have to be a single person. "What do I want to do? What do I feel like eating? I have to pay my bills. I don't feel like going out tonight." A single person's role is to act on their thoughts and take care of their feelings.
In a relationship, the role of a narcissistic "master" goes to the one partner who gets his (or her) thoughts respected AND his (or her) feelings cherished.
The narcissist plays both masculine "hero" and feminine "ingénue" roles in a relationship leaving very little (if any) room for the poor, unworthy, unfortunate...
4. The Doormat "Slave"
The doormat "slave" position has no voice. The doormat "slave's" only role is to serve their super egotistical narcissistic partner.
The doormat slave respects his (or her) partner's thoughts and cherishes his (or her) feelings and is seldom rewarded or acknowledged for their own needs.
When a doormat slave is noticed, it's usually to be kicked or walked upon. Often when the doormat "slave" has incorrectly "mind read" the wants or needs of their "master" partner or has done something "displeasing", disaster can occur. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
7 Secrets to a Successful Relationship
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Whether you're looking for romance or are already in a relationship, the 7 secrets below are essential in having a healthy, intimate, romantic relationship. If you're interested in getting great results, demystifying the dating process, and being the best you can be in a relationship, you've come to the right place.
1. Understand Your Role in a Relationship
There are two roles in an intimate romantic relationship. One is the masculine. The other is the feminine. Masculine people get what they want by asking and going for it. Feminine energies get what they want by honoring their feelings and saying "no" to what they don't want.
In my film, DUTY DATING, I call these roles passengers and drivers. If you have two drivers, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere. So pick one and stick with it for at least the first two months. This way when your relationship goes off track (and believe me, it will) you can go back to your original "role" and get back on course.
2. Commit to the Relationship, Not the Person
Do your part and hope your partner does theirs. People are imperfect human beings. We all screw up. Therefore, commit to the relationship and not your partner. Your partner will disappoint you at times. (Sad, but true) So it's a good idea to have at least two reasons to stay in the relationship when you want to "kill 'em".
When I find myself asking, "What the (blank) was I thinking when I married this jerk?" I remember that Lorenzo cooks and I get free French and Italian lessons. For me, that's good value.
3. If he/she is 51%...Keep them
You're probably thinking, "Wow. That's low." I hope you find someone who's greater than 51%, but are days when your partner won't rate a zero! (Hopefully those days are few!) In the overall package, if your partner is more "good" than "bad", you've got a good deal. Recognize it and appreciate it.
4. Never "Trust" Anyone
People are SHOCKED when I tell them I don't trust my husband. And it's true, I don't. (In fact, I don't trust anyone.) My husband is human and humans say one thing, then turn around and do something different. (You know, like "I'm going to get in shape." Then a month later, you still haven't gotten to the gym.)
What I do is "take a risk" on my husband and have faith he'll do what he says he's going to do. As we keep our agreements to each other, we build a "trustworthy" relationship over time.
5. Conflict Builds Intimacy
Never be in relationship with anyone you don't want to fight with, otherwise you risk building. It is through conflict and disagreement that we give ourselves the opportunity to understand more of the other person's point of view.
My husband and I come from two different cultures. Our world-views often clash. Believe me, we've had MANY opportunities to build intimacy throughout our relationship! So don't be afraid of conflict. In fact, making up can be fantastic!
6. Give Your Partner the "Right" to be "Wrong"
Communication is often the biggest key to relationship success. When you disagree, let your partner know that he/she has every right to think, feel, behave, react, etc. the way they do. Then express your feelings or thoughts about why you don't agree. Finally, negotiate an agreement with each other of what you will (or won't) accept. If you can't reach an agreement, recognize you may be done.
7. Stay As Long As the Love Shall Last
Knowing when to leave a relationship is as valuable as knowing how to stay. If you can't make and keep agreements or you're in a relationship that is physically or verbally abusive, get out a.s.a.p.! Traditional wedding vows have couples staying "until death do us part".
At our wedding ceremony, I said, "I'll stay as long as the love shall last". (The justice marrying us almost dropped his book!) What I meant was, I'll stay until the death of our relationship. Whether it's physical death or the death of our love. I will stay as long as there's "energy" on our relationship. If it turns to apathy and empathy, time to go.
Whether you're looking for romance or are already in a relationship, the 7 secrets below are essential in having a healthy, intimate, romantic relationship. If you're interested in getting great results, demystifying the dating process, and being the best you can be in a relationship, you've come to the right place.
1. Understand Your Role in a Relationship
There are two roles in an intimate romantic relationship. One is the masculine. The other is the feminine. Masculine people get what they want by asking and going for it. Feminine energies get what they want by honoring their feelings and saying "no" to what they don't want.
In my film, DUTY DATING, I call these roles passengers and drivers. If you have two drivers, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere. So pick one and stick with it for at least the first two months. This way when your relationship goes off track (and believe me, it will) you can go back to your original "role" and get back on course.
2. Commit to the Relationship, Not the Person
Do your part and hope your partner does theirs. People are imperfect human beings. We all screw up. Therefore, commit to the relationship and not your partner. Your partner will disappoint you at times. (Sad, but true) So it's a good idea to have at least two reasons to stay in the relationship when you want to "kill 'em".
When I find myself asking, "What the (blank) was I thinking when I married this jerk?" I remember that Lorenzo cooks and I get free French and Italian lessons. For me, that's good value.
3. If he/she is 51%...Keep them
You're probably thinking, "Wow. That's low." I hope you find someone who's greater than 51%, but are days when your partner won't rate a zero! (Hopefully those days are few!) In the overall package, if your partner is more "good" than "bad", you've got a good deal. Recognize it and appreciate it.
4. Never "Trust" Anyone
People are SHOCKED when I tell them I don't trust my husband. And it's true, I don't. (In fact, I don't trust anyone.) My husband is human and humans say one thing, then turn around and do something different. (You know, like "I'm going to get in shape." Then a month later, you still haven't gotten to the gym.)
What I do is "take a risk" on my husband and have faith he'll do what he says he's going to do. As we keep our agreements to each other, we build a "trustworthy" relationship over time.
5. Conflict Builds Intimacy
Never be in relationship with anyone you don't want to fight with, otherwise you risk building. It is through conflict and disagreement that we give ourselves the opportunity to understand more of the other person's point of view.
My husband and I come from two different cultures. Our world-views often clash. Believe me, we've had MANY opportunities to build intimacy throughout our relationship! So don't be afraid of conflict. In fact, making up can be fantastic!
6. Give Your Partner the "Right" to be "Wrong"
Communication is often the biggest key to relationship success. When you disagree, let your partner know that he/she has every right to think, feel, behave, react, etc. the way they do. Then express your feelings or thoughts about why you don't agree. Finally, negotiate an agreement with each other of what you will (or won't) accept. If you can't reach an agreement, recognize you may be done.
7. Stay As Long As the Love Shall Last
Knowing when to leave a relationship is as valuable as knowing how to stay. If you can't make and keep agreements or you're in a relationship that is physically or verbally abusive, get out a.s.a.p.! Traditional wedding vows have couples staying "until death do us part".
At our wedding ceremony, I said, "I'll stay as long as the love shall last". (The justice marrying us almost dropped his book!) What I meant was, I'll stay until the death of our relationship. Whether it's physical death or the death of our love. I will stay as long as there's "energy" on our relationship. If it turns to apathy and empathy, time to go.
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