3 Simple Steps to Getting Your Needs Met

by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"

Last week, Lorenzo and I attended our neighbor's surprise birthday party.

Over a glass of Prosecco (our favorite Italian sparkling wine...yum!), Linda, the birthday girl, told me of a wedding shower she is giving for her friend's daughter in January. As an "entertaining aficionado", Linda thrives on party planning and is a great host. She was planning a sit down dinner around our pool.

Beautiful. Romantic. Right? WRONG.

Three more "friends" want to help host Linda's shower. Each "friend" brought a different vision (and a different price tag) for the party.

One changed the location. One redesigned the invite. One ordered fabric to make a quilted Jewish hoopa (a canopy for the bride and groom)...and since she's leaving town, Linda's left sewing it together. (Linda's not Jewish.) (Not that it matters.)

Linda didn't know what to do (or say) to the "friends" who redesigned her shower. Now she's feeling stuck, overwhelmed and responsible for a party she's no longer in control of.

What started as a celebration of love has turned into a collaboration of disagreements, mixed agendas and impositions on Linda.

But what can she do?

Here are three choices:

1. First, Linda can accept she's no longer in control and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get through the party...and swear she'll NEVER do it again. Right.

HELLO! If Linda doesn't get what to do now, you can bet she'll find herself in this situation again. (And again.) (And again.)

2. Second, Linda can take a stand for what she will or will not do.

3. Third, Linda can "tolerate" it. If Linda chooses to tolerate the situation, she risks getting sick or feeling resentful. Or both. (Not the best choice.)

Let's say Linda gathers her courage and decides not to make the hoopa. She takes a risk on Getting her Needs Met (so she might actually enjoy the party).
What she does is: "Caress, Express and Address"

1. Caress

My Aunt Nancy used to say, "If you want to give someone a criticism, start with a compliment."

Dr. Pat Allen calls it a "stroke".

I say, "Caress" (because it rhymes with Express & Address:))

When you "caress" someone, you're giving the person the right to be a human being and doing things their way...even if You think it's wrong. Everybody has a right to be wrong. (Yes, even him) (So does she) (Yes, I know.)

Start with something like, "You have every right to do this, be that, have whatever or say what you just did..." Or give them a compliment like, "I think you're great, your ideas are interesting, etc..."

Linda could say, "I appreciate your idea for a hoopa..."

2. Express

Then "Express" what you want or don't want.

Say what you think. Or express what you don't feel uncomfortable with.

Use phrases like, "I want that, I see it like this, I don't feel the same way, I feel disrespected when you're late, etc..."

Linda can express, "I don't want the responsibility of making the hoopa while you're away."

3. Address

Then "Address" it. Deal with the problem between you by making an agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, a "Price Tag" must be determined.

In other words, what is the cost of a non-negotiable or a broken agreement? (Generally a non-negotiable is just that. It cannot be negotiated. So you either agree to disagree or it's the end of the relationship.)

Ask something like, "How do you feel about re-scheduling? What do you think about not doing that behavior when you're around me?" Or state the cost for a broken agreement, "I will not be here if you're late again, etc..."

Linda could say, "You'll need to find someone else to make the hoopa because I'm doing the table arrangements."

"Price Tag" for Linda's not making the hoopa: There may be no hoopa. (Not Linda's problem now, is it?) If the "friend" wants a hoopa, she'll find another way to make it.

Yes, Linda risks the "friend" getting upset, but what is Linda's "Price Tag" for agreeing to do something she doesn't want to do? Resentment. Anger. Feeling sick. Or worse...

If Linda states her terms and her "friend" accepts it, they've reached a greater understanding and respect of each other...thus deepening their relationship.

"Caressing, Expressing and Addressing" allows you to make an agreement with your date, partner or friend and take your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. (If an agreement is broken, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Simply make a new agreement and do your best to honor it.)

Remember...the only way we know we love ourselves and others is by the agreements we make and are willing to keep.

For more coaching in "Getting Your Needs Met" in Romantic Relationships order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship CD series.

How to Clean Up After Your Break Up

by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"

It's over. They're gone. Your heart is broken. The dream is shattered. Crushed. You turn to your friends for solace. Or self-help books. Or religion. Or pints of Hagen Daas. Or booze.

But NOTHING helps. NOTHING fills the void.

And it isn't pretty. In fact, it's dark. Definitely not the lighter side of life.
So what can you do? How can you pick up and clean up and remove this unending pain?

1. Know You're Not Alone

We've all been there. We've all suffered loss. Most of us have invested in a relationship that didn't meet our expectations or didn't work out the way we planned.

NEWS FLASH: Half the marriages in America end in divorce. (Like my first marriage.)

I've had more "failed" relationships than I've had "successful" ones. I've had more men break my heart than I've broken bread sticks over the last twenty years. And guess what? I'm still here. I didn't die. (Although I felt like I could have at times!)

After every heartbreak I swear I'll never love again. I swear I'll never allow myself to be hurt again. It's tooooo painful. I'm toooooo vulnerable. And guess what?

Like a fool, I do it again.

But here's the thing...I've learned more about myself with every encounter. Each man I've dated has brought me more understanding of who I am as a human and spiritual being. My past relationships prepared me for the wonderful marriage I have today. Without these experiences, I may not have found (much less appreciated) my husband.

2. If You're the One Left Behind...Congratulations!

Dr. Pat Allen says, "He/She who leaves the relationship first is destined to repeat same karma. He/She who stays until lesson is learned moves to next better mate."
If your partner left prematurely, YOU move to "next higher place".

How do you know when your relationship (this lesson) is over?

When you feel nothing. When ALL the energy is gone. When there's nothing left but apathy and empathy. (When you can't watch them chew, it's REALLY over.)

* The one exception to leaving first is if you are being physically or emotionally abused. RUN, don't walk. Get out ASAP!

3. You Cannot Be "Friends" With Your "Ex" Until You Both Have New Partners.

Often during a break-up, couples will want to remain "friends".

NOT a great idea.

The sooner you "de-bond" with your "ex", the sooner you'll heal and meet someone new.

If you're a woman who's been left by a man and he keeps "circling" back where you can still smell him...BEWARE! His presence isn't doing you any favors. He's keeping you physically glued.

Ever heard of oxytocin? It's a hormone in your body that triggers every time you smell, taste or touch him. Like a drug it will keep you physically addicted. Your mind will say, "no, no, no", but you're body keeps you engaged. If your "ex" wants to be "friends", say, "No, thanks!" and walk away.

4. Get Out There and "Duty Date"

Break-ups take time. It's part of the process.

But you can help yourself heal quicker by going back out into the market...even if you don't FEEL like it. Start "Duty Dating". (The film is a great motivator to get you going.:))

Yes, it's horrible. No one will look good to you. You'll be repulsed by everyone you meet. But do it anyway.

Act as if you're enjoying it. Fake it until you find yourself receptive to meeting someone new. It isn't easy, but it's the quickest way to heal a broken heart.

5. You're the Star of Your Relationship

Put yourself in a position of power by allowing your dates to demonstrate what they can do for you. What can they offer that will make your life better? What can they do for you that you can't do for yourself? Give yourself more choices.

Think of Scarlet O'Hara at the picnic. Attract as many beaus (or belles) as possible. Take the opportunity to learn what you like or dislike in a mate.

Who are you with that person? Are you having fun? Is he a generous, protective and cherishing man? Is she an available, receptive and respecting woman?

6. Take Care of You

Be kind. Stop blaming yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Take bubble baths or long walks. Get a massage. Enjoy your friends. Exercise. Take care of your body.

Break-ups are challenging. But ending a relationship can better prepare you for the next one by helping you know what you want (or don't want). The good news is you have a new opportunity to create something different with someone new.

The down side is...it's not easy. It takes time to heal. It's normal to feel scared or uncomfortable as you put yourself back out there.

But remember, you're not alone. We've all been there.