3 Simple Steps to Getting Your Needs Met

by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"

Last week, Lorenzo and I attended our neighbor's surprise birthday party.

Over a glass of Prosecco (our favorite Italian sparkling wine...yum!), Linda, the birthday girl, told me of a wedding shower she is giving for her friend's daughter in January. As an "entertaining aficionado", Linda thrives on party planning and is a great host. She was planning a sit down dinner around our pool.

Beautiful. Romantic. Right? WRONG.

Three more "friends" want to help host Linda's shower. Each "friend" brought a different vision (and a different price tag) for the party.

One changed the location. One redesigned the invite. One ordered fabric to make a quilted Jewish hoopa (a canopy for the bride and groom)...and since she's leaving town, Linda's left sewing it together. (Linda's not Jewish.) (Not that it matters.)

Linda didn't know what to do (or say) to the "friends" who redesigned her shower. Now she's feeling stuck, overwhelmed and responsible for a party she's no longer in control of.

What started as a celebration of love has turned into a collaboration of disagreements, mixed agendas and impositions on Linda.

But what can she do?

Here are three choices:

1. First, Linda can accept she's no longer in control and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get through the party...and swear she'll NEVER do it again. Right.

HELLO! If Linda doesn't get what to do now, you can bet she'll find herself in this situation again. (And again.) (And again.)

2. Second, Linda can take a stand for what she will or will not do.

3. Third, Linda can "tolerate" it. If Linda chooses to tolerate the situation, she risks getting sick or feeling resentful. Or both. (Not the best choice.)

Let's say Linda gathers her courage and decides not to make the hoopa. She takes a risk on Getting her Needs Met (so she might actually enjoy the party).
What she does is: "Caress, Express and Address"

1. Caress

My Aunt Nancy used to say, "If you want to give someone a criticism, start with a compliment."

Dr. Pat Allen calls it a "stroke".

I say, "Caress" (because it rhymes with Express & Address:))

When you "caress" someone, you're giving the person the right to be a human being and doing things their way...even if You think it's wrong. Everybody has a right to be wrong. (Yes, even him) (So does she) (Yes, I know.)

Start with something like, "You have every right to do this, be that, have whatever or say what you just did..." Or give them a compliment like, "I think you're great, your ideas are interesting, etc..."

Linda could say, "I appreciate your idea for a hoopa..."

2. Express

Then "Express" what you want or don't want.

Say what you think. Or express what you don't feel uncomfortable with.

Use phrases like, "I want that, I see it like this, I don't feel the same way, I feel disrespected when you're late, etc..."

Linda can express, "I don't want the responsibility of making the hoopa while you're away."

3. Address

Then "Address" it. Deal with the problem between you by making an agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, a "Price Tag" must be determined.

In other words, what is the cost of a non-negotiable or a broken agreement? (Generally a non-negotiable is just that. It cannot be negotiated. So you either agree to disagree or it's the end of the relationship.)

Ask something like, "How do you feel about re-scheduling? What do you think about not doing that behavior when you're around me?" Or state the cost for a broken agreement, "I will not be here if you're late again, etc..."

Linda could say, "You'll need to find someone else to make the hoopa because I'm doing the table arrangements."

"Price Tag" for Linda's not making the hoopa: There may be no hoopa. (Not Linda's problem now, is it?) If the "friend" wants a hoopa, she'll find another way to make it.

Yes, Linda risks the "friend" getting upset, but what is Linda's "Price Tag" for agreeing to do something she doesn't want to do? Resentment. Anger. Feeling sick. Or worse...

If Linda states her terms and her "friend" accepts it, they've reached a greater understanding and respect of each other...thus deepening their relationship.

"Caressing, Expressing and Addressing" allows you to make an agreement with your date, partner or friend and take your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. (If an agreement is broken, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Simply make a new agreement and do your best to honor it.)

Remember...the only way we know we love ourselves and others is by the agreements we make and are willing to keep.

For more coaching in "Getting Your Needs Met" in Romantic Relationships order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship CD series.