by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
It's the holidays! Oh, yes!
So how many cocktail parties, office parties or family gatherings have you been where you're asked, "How's it going?"
And you say, "Great. Great. Everything's great."
And you're asked, "How's your love life?"
And you're thinking, "uh...not so great."
And you're pressed, "Why's that? You're beautiful. Successful. Men must be all over you!"
And you're doing the best you can to come up with why you're still single.
So you say something like, "I dunno. I guess I haven't met the right one."
Or "I dunno. All the men I meet are jerks (especially in this town)."
And you're thinking, "I dunno. What's wrong with me? Why aren't men I like asking me out? What am I doing wrong?"
But you believe in yourself (because you ARE pretty and smart). You know it's possible (even your dowdy neighbor has a great relationship). If you just knew what to do differently (and didn't have to compromise your values or integrity)...you'd do it!
Well, you've come to the right place. I believe in you too. I know it's possible. And not only do I know exactly what you can do to have the romantic relationship you desire...I know how you can become a much better woman in the process! Seriously.
You have NO idea how much I wish I would have known this 20 years ago! It would have saved me so much wasted time and agony worrying about the WRONG men! Ugh!
Lucky girl! You can learn from my blunders and create your own love story...much sooner!
The first most important dating direction is to:
1. Define Your Role
Are you confused when it comes to dating and relationships?
Then it's possible you don't know your role (or your choices).
When you define your role in a relationship you eliminate confusion and stop going competitive with your partner.
You know what's happening. You know what's going on. And you'll know how to read the signs when you're headed for trouble and what to do to get your relationship back on track!
The reason there's so much conflict and drama is because people don't know their roles in relationships. They get together then have no skills to stay together. The result is chaos and divorce.
You must know your role to keep your relationship on a healthy, intimate course.
2. Set the Stage
Let's say you want to meet a new man. How you present...on-line, in person and in your home...sets the stage for who and what you want to attract (or not!)
If you're dating on-line, you want a FANTASTIC headshot and resume. Use a professional photo and write a brief, creative resume that sets you apart from the zillions!
Set your stage in person by being prepared. You never know where he might pop up! (He could be at the dry cleaners!) So look good, feel good, taste good, smell good and sound good wherever you go. And remember to SMILE!
And what about your home? Is there space for another person? Does your environment attract the love of your life? If your ideal man walked through that door this very minute, would he fit?
You must set your stage to make room for the relationship you want to attract.
3. Speak Your Part
How you speak within the first 30 seconds of meeting someone can determine the success (or lack of success) in every romantic relationship.
Within the first minute of meeting a new man, you've established a friendship, a business deal or a romance.
DO NOT make the mistake of setting up a business deal with a man you're romantically attracted to!
Or just as important...DO turn a business deal into a date! :)
You can do this when you speak your part.
Men will notice you and be more receptive. He will hear and understand you. And he will fall more in love with you when you know how to guide him by speaking your part.
(It's so cool when you understand how it all works!)
Defining your role (knowing who you are in a relationship), setting the stage (for what you want to attract) and speaking your part (to build intimacy) are The 3 Most Important Dating Directions...Ever!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Great Gifts...That Don't Cost You a Dime
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
'Tis the season...and you know what that means. Parties! Presents! And...Possibilities!
You want to be prepared!
You want to look good. You want to feel good. You want to be on your best behavior (or not! :))
But just in case...
Just in case this season...you're invited to a fabulous party or decide to host that intimate gathering or just want to go out with friends to see the latest cover band...
And just in case He's there...
You wanna look and feel your best. You want to be your best self.
And just in case...
You want to be prepared with gifts...for yourself as well as others.
Here are five great gift ideas that are appropriate for you to give during the Holidays...and all year 'round!
1. Give Presence
When you enter a room...whether it's on a date or for a party...how you present can determine the level of success (or lack of success) for your evening.
You give great presence when you look good, taste good, smell good, sound good and feel good.
Wear something that makes you feel fantastic!
Do something that's good for your body...like dancing or exercise or listening to good music. Baths and naps are good too!
Give presence to the moment. Listen and speak with respect. Even if you don't agree with him (or think he's a dweeb) give him the courtesy of listening.
Listening is an awesome gift.
2. Give Back
He gives. You give back.
He calls. You call him back.
He takes you out...(okay twice.) You cook him dinner.
Give back in appreciation when he (or anyone else) gives to you.
When you receive a gift, give back. Give back to a man you respect in a creative, appreciative way. DO NOT...I repeat...DO NOT give him as much as he gives you.
If you give equally...you're friends. If you give more, he's in debt to you. So unless you wanna play the role of BIG MAMA, pay attention to how much he gives you and what you give back.
3. Give a Smile
Smiles make you look good and they're easy to wear.
Funny thing about a smile...even when you don't feel like it, smiling makes you feel better.
Do it. Push up the corners of your mouth (use your fingers if necessary) and see what happens.
Nothing? Do it again.
Starting to feel it?
Once more...
See? Great. Keep wearing it! :)
4. Give a Compliment
When he does something nice for you, compliment him.
Thank him for his phone call. Thank him when he takes you out. Tell him how much you appreciate the date (even if you were bored silly.) (He can't help who he is.)
Practice giving compliments. Thank the bus boy who fills your water glass. Appreciate the security guard who opens the door for you.
Men feel good when they're acknowledged for doing good.
One of the greatest gifts you can give a guy is a compliment.
And when the compliment comes from an amazing, awesome woman like you, he'll Rock when he receives it!
5. Give to Yourself
This holiday season, I hope you receive many gifts!
But the greatest gift of all is the gift you give yourself. So be generous. Be good to yourself. Take time out. Have fun. Rest. Make time to feel good...
And may you have the best Holiday EVER!
Enjoy! :)
If you liked this article, you'll absolutely LOVE "The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story" Home Study CD Series!
'Tis the season...and you know what that means. Parties! Presents! And...Possibilities!
You want to be prepared!
You want to look good. You want to feel good. You want to be on your best behavior (or not! :))
But just in case...
Just in case this season...you're invited to a fabulous party or decide to host that intimate gathering or just want to go out with friends to see the latest cover band...
And just in case He's there...
You wanna look and feel your best. You want to be your best self.
And just in case...
You want to be prepared with gifts...for yourself as well as others.
Here are five great gift ideas that are appropriate for you to give during the Holidays...and all year 'round!
1. Give Presence
When you enter a room...whether it's on a date or for a party...how you present can determine the level of success (or lack of success) for your evening.
You give great presence when you look good, taste good, smell good, sound good and feel good.
Wear something that makes you feel fantastic!
Do something that's good for your body...like dancing or exercise or listening to good music. Baths and naps are good too!
Give presence to the moment. Listen and speak with respect. Even if you don't agree with him (or think he's a dweeb) give him the courtesy of listening.
Listening is an awesome gift.
2. Give Back
He gives. You give back.
He calls. You call him back.
He takes you out...(okay twice.) You cook him dinner.
Give back in appreciation when he (or anyone else) gives to you.
When you receive a gift, give back. Give back to a man you respect in a creative, appreciative way. DO NOT...I repeat...DO NOT give him as much as he gives you.
If you give equally...you're friends. If you give more, he's in debt to you. So unless you wanna play the role of BIG MAMA, pay attention to how much he gives you and what you give back.
3. Give a Smile
Smiles make you look good and they're easy to wear.
Funny thing about a smile...even when you don't feel like it, smiling makes you feel better.
Do it. Push up the corners of your mouth (use your fingers if necessary) and see what happens.
Nothing? Do it again.
Starting to feel it?
Once more...
See? Great. Keep wearing it! :)
4. Give a Compliment
When he does something nice for you, compliment him.
Thank him for his phone call. Thank him when he takes you out. Tell him how much you appreciate the date (even if you were bored silly.) (He can't help who he is.)
Practice giving compliments. Thank the bus boy who fills your water glass. Appreciate the security guard who opens the door for you.
Men feel good when they're acknowledged for doing good.
One of the greatest gifts you can give a guy is a compliment.
And when the compliment comes from an amazing, awesome woman like you, he'll Rock when he receives it!
5. Give to Yourself
This holiday season, I hope you receive many gifts!
But the greatest gift of all is the gift you give yourself. So be generous. Be good to yourself. Take time out. Have fun. Rest. Make time to feel good...
And may you have the best Holiday EVER!
Enjoy! :)
If you liked this article, you'll absolutely LOVE "The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story" Home Study CD Series!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Is He Dating You, Courting You or WTF?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
After three great dates and lots of passion, Linda was sure she'd met the one. He was perfect! Attractive, attentive and all-into-her!
Weeks later when she stopped hearing from him, she didn't know WTF had gone wrong.
Linda thought she was being courted by this man. Instead he was dating her.
Which raises the question...
How do you know if a guy is dating you or courting you?
And what's the BIG difference anyway?
Dating is for the short-term. He's here. He's hot. He's gone. Flash and crash. Fun for the moment, then poof...it's over.
Courting is for the long-term. It's slow. It builds. It buds. It's romantic...and long lasting.
A man knows in advance if he wants to date you or court you.
He knows in advance if he wants to play with you for the short-term or if he's in for the long haul.
It's in your best interest to know sooner, rather than later if he's into you for the long run.
So how do you know? How can you tell?
Well, if he hasn't said something like, "I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to settle down..."
Then ask him. Ask him BEFORE you have sex.
This is how you will know the difference.
Ask him before having sex what his plan is. Is he in it with you for the long-term? Is he seeing other women socially and sexually? Is he willing to see you consistently?
If he is in it for the long-term, he's willing not to see other women and he wants to see you on a regular basis, you can bet he's into you. He's courting. He's there with you for the ride.
If he's not into you, he won't do these things. He'll say something like, "Hey, I really like you, but I just wanna have fun. I'm not into a relationship right now."
So the next time you meet a guy you like, you'll know if he's dating you or courting you. And then you can decide how (and if) you want to play along.
Have fun! :)
Cherry Norris, aka "The Dating Director" is a renowned dating coach, workshop director and popular speaker.
If you liked today's article, you'll absolutely LOVE "The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship" Home Study CD Series!
After three great dates and lots of passion, Linda was sure she'd met the one. He was perfect! Attractive, attentive and all-into-her!
Weeks later when she stopped hearing from him, she didn't know WTF had gone wrong.
Linda thought she was being courted by this man. Instead he was dating her.
Which raises the question...
How do you know if a guy is dating you or courting you?
And what's the BIG difference anyway?
Dating is for the short-term. He's here. He's hot. He's gone. Flash and crash. Fun for the moment, then poof...it's over.
Courting is for the long-term. It's slow. It builds. It buds. It's romantic...and long lasting.
A man knows in advance if he wants to date you or court you.
He knows in advance if he wants to play with you for the short-term or if he's in for the long haul.
It's in your best interest to know sooner, rather than later if he's into you for the long run.
So how do you know? How can you tell?
Well, if he hasn't said something like, "I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to settle down..."
Then ask him. Ask him BEFORE you have sex.
This is how you will know the difference.
Ask him before having sex what his plan is. Is he in it with you for the long-term? Is he seeing other women socially and sexually? Is he willing to see you consistently?
If he is in it for the long-term, he's willing not to see other women and he wants to see you on a regular basis, you can bet he's into you. He's courting. He's there with you for the ride.
If he's not into you, he won't do these things. He'll say something like, "Hey, I really like you, but I just wanna have fun. I'm not into a relationship right now."
So the next time you meet a guy you like, you'll know if he's dating you or courting you. And then you can decide how (and if) you want to play along.
Have fun! :)
Cherry Norris, aka "The Dating Director" is a renowned dating coach, workshop director and popular speaker.
If you liked today's article, you'll absolutely LOVE "The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship" Home Study CD Series!
Monday, November 17, 2008
The BE Attitudes of Being a Great Woman
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
How can you find a great man? Why, being a great woman, of course.
Even if you're not looking for (or have already found) a great man, you can still be a Great Woman...just interact with men the way you interact with life.
1. BE OPEN to whatever he presents.
2. BE APPRECIATIVE of Everything he offers.
3. BE RECEPTIVE of his ideas (no matter how ridiculous you think they are).
4. BE FIRM and Say NO to what you don't want and what feels uncomfortable.
5. BE RESPECTFUL of what he thinks.
6. BE SELF-DISCIPLINED and keep your mouth shut when you know you can do it better. Or faster. (This is a really tough one.)
7. BE PATIENT. (Another tough one.) (Really tough.)
8. BE ACCEPTING of who he is because that's who he is. And that's what you get. And that's the truth.
9. BE GRACEFUL. (Do the best you can here :))
10. BE PERSISTENT in your pursuit of femininity. Never stop taking care of yourself. Ever. Never stop taking time for things you know are REALLY important and make you feel good.
And may you always BE a Great Woman in Love and Life!
Cherry Norris, aka "The Dating Director" is a renowned dating coach, workshop director and popular speaker. If you liked today's article, you'll absolutely LOVE "The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship" Home Study CD Series! Click Here to Order Now!
How can you find a great man? Why, being a great woman, of course.
Even if you're not looking for (or have already found) a great man, you can still be a Great Woman...just interact with men the way you interact with life.
1. BE OPEN to whatever he presents.
2. BE APPRECIATIVE of Everything he offers.
3. BE RECEPTIVE of his ideas (no matter how ridiculous you think they are).
4. BE FIRM and Say NO to what you don't want and what feels uncomfortable.
5. BE RESPECTFUL of what he thinks.
6. BE SELF-DISCIPLINED and keep your mouth shut when you know you can do it better. Or faster. (This is a really tough one.)
7. BE PATIENT. (Another tough one.) (Really tough.)
8. BE ACCEPTING of who he is because that's who he is. And that's what you get. And that's the truth.
9. BE GRACEFUL. (Do the best you can here :))
10. BE PERSISTENT in your pursuit of femininity. Never stop taking care of yourself. Ever. Never stop taking time for things you know are REALLY important and make you feel good.
And may you always BE a Great Woman in Love and Life!
Cherry Norris, aka "The Dating Director" is a renowned dating coach, workshop director and popular speaker. If you liked today's article, you'll absolutely LOVE "The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship" Home Study CD Series! Click Here to Order Now!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
What Role Are You in Relationships?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Are you having difficulty finding what you're looking for in a romantic relationship? Maybe you're in a relationship, but at times you're just not communicating well.
Before blaming your partner or thinking there's no one out there for you, consider taking a good look at what role you're playing in relationships and what it is you're attracting.
In theatre, great drama and great romance stems from great roles. The same is true in relationships.
So what's your role?
1. The HERO
As men and women, it's normal to compete in sports, in business or in school. We're taught to go out and get what we want in the world. We're rewarded for producing. We're compensated for performance. That's all good.
But are you competitive in your romantic relationships?
A masculine HERO knows what he wants and goes after it. He thinks, acts and problem solves. He usually brings the money and status in a relationship.
A HERO isn't always the man. Women can be HEROES too.
In fact, women are HEROES when they nurture and mother. Giving, protecting and cherishing are HERO skills. (Shocking, but true). Female HEROES usually mother their men.
Many romantic relationships end up going competitive because there are two too many HEROES on stage.
2. The INGENUE
The INGENUE is feminine. Feminine is not to be confused with passive. The INGENUE is a potent, powerful energy, but operates very differently from the HERO.
An INGENUE gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. Ingenues receive and give back in appreciation. They are available and are open to ideas and suggestions. INGENUES respect their HEROES.
INGENUES are feeling-oriented. Their mantra is: If It Feels Good, Do it!
Unlike a HERO who goes competitive wanting to achieve and win, INGENUES go competitive with feelings.
Sometimes there are two too many INGENUES in a romantic relationship.
3. The MASTER
If there is such a thing as a healthy narcissist, it would have to be a single MASTER. "What do I want to do? What do I feel like eating? I have to pay my bills. I don't want to go out tonight." The MASTER acts on both thoughts and feelings...which is perfectly fine in a single lifestyle.
In a relationship, the role of MASTER goes to the partner who gets both thoughts respected AND feelings cherished.
The MASTER is both HERO and INGENUE in his/her relationship, leaving very little (if any) room for a poor, unworthy...
4. The SLAVE
Like a doormat, the SLAVE gets stepped on, but doesn't speak. The SLAVE'S only role is to serve their super egotistical narcissistic MASTER.
The SLAVE respects and cherishes his/her partners thoughts and feelings and is seldom rewarded or acknowledged for their own needs.
When a SLAVE is noticed, it's usually to be kicked or walked upon. Often the SLAVE will incorrectly "mind read" the wants or needs of their MASTER or does something displeasing. When this happens, tragedy can occur. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
So which role are you? :)
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course Today!
Are you having difficulty finding what you're looking for in a romantic relationship? Maybe you're in a relationship, but at times you're just not communicating well.
Before blaming your partner or thinking there's no one out there for you, consider taking a good look at what role you're playing in relationships and what it is you're attracting.
In theatre, great drama and great romance stems from great roles. The same is true in relationships.
So what's your role?
1. The HERO
As men and women, it's normal to compete in sports, in business or in school. We're taught to go out and get what we want in the world. We're rewarded for producing. We're compensated for performance. That's all good.
But are you competitive in your romantic relationships?
A masculine HERO knows what he wants and goes after it. He thinks, acts and problem solves. He usually brings the money and status in a relationship.
A HERO isn't always the man. Women can be HEROES too.
In fact, women are HEROES when they nurture and mother. Giving, protecting and cherishing are HERO skills. (Shocking, but true). Female HEROES usually mother their men.
Many romantic relationships end up going competitive because there are two too many HEROES on stage.
2. The INGENUE
The INGENUE is feminine. Feminine is not to be confused with passive. The INGENUE is a potent, powerful energy, but operates very differently from the HERO.
An INGENUE gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. Ingenues receive and give back in appreciation. They are available and are open to ideas and suggestions. INGENUES respect their HEROES.
INGENUES are feeling-oriented. Their mantra is: If It Feels Good, Do it!
Unlike a HERO who goes competitive wanting to achieve and win, INGENUES go competitive with feelings.
Sometimes there are two too many INGENUES in a romantic relationship.
3. The MASTER
If there is such a thing as a healthy narcissist, it would have to be a single MASTER. "What do I want to do? What do I feel like eating? I have to pay my bills. I don't want to go out tonight." The MASTER acts on both thoughts and feelings...which is perfectly fine in a single lifestyle.
In a relationship, the role of MASTER goes to the partner who gets both thoughts respected AND feelings cherished.
The MASTER is both HERO and INGENUE in his/her relationship, leaving very little (if any) room for a poor, unworthy...
4. The SLAVE
Like a doormat, the SLAVE gets stepped on, but doesn't speak. The SLAVE'S only role is to serve their super egotistical narcissistic MASTER.
The SLAVE respects and cherishes his/her partners thoughts and feelings and is seldom rewarded or acknowledged for their own needs.
When a SLAVE is noticed, it's usually to be kicked or walked upon. Often the SLAVE will incorrectly "mind read" the wants or needs of their MASTER or does something displeasing. When this happens, tragedy can occur. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
So which role are you? :)
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course Today!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Dialogue for Difficult Situations
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Gina was so excited! A man she was really interested in FINALLY called to invite her out!
"So are you free this weekend?" He asked.
"Yes I am," Gina responded.
"Great. Let's get together."
"Great."
"So what do you want to do?" He asked.
"I don't know. What do you want to do?" Gina asked.
"Whatever you want. I'm flexible."
"Me too. I don't care," Gina said.
And after a few rounds of "I don't know, what do you want?" Gina is so frustrated by the man's lack of a plan that the energy drains right out of the phone call.
What could Gina have done? How could she have kept her date in a position of respect and the chemistry high?
Chances are if a man asks out a woman then asks her to make the plan, he's doing it to please her. He doesn't want to take a risk on taking her someplace she doesn't want to go.
However he unknowingly frustrates her when he invites her out without a plan.
How would you get your date to step up and make the plan?
First...
1. Give Him the Right to be Wrong
It's appropriate for a woman who doesn't want to be the respected leader to say something like, "You have every right to ask me to make the plan." (This gives him permission to be who he is and do things his way.)
Then...
2. Express Your Feelings
Tell him you're uncomfortable leading. Offer that he presents some ideas and you'll express how you feel about them.
Finally...
3. Make an Agreement
Ask him what he thinks about presenting ideas.
If the man doesn't agree to make the plan (and you don't want to) there's no agreement. You're done. It's over.
A masculine man will appreciate a woman's willingness to let him lead. Chances are, he'll be relieved to initiate ideas.
The key thing to remember here is to know your role and speak your part.
A feminine woman gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. In this situation, Gina didn't want to lead so she needed to guide the man into making the plan as soon as he asked her what she wanted to do.
This way he feels respected and Gina feels good about accepting the date.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Gina was so excited! A man she was really interested in FINALLY called to invite her out!
"So are you free this weekend?" He asked.
"Yes I am," Gina responded.
"Great. Let's get together."
"Great."
"So what do you want to do?" He asked.
"I don't know. What do you want to do?" Gina asked.
"Whatever you want. I'm flexible."
"Me too. I don't care," Gina said.
And after a few rounds of "I don't know, what do you want?" Gina is so frustrated by the man's lack of a plan that the energy drains right out of the phone call.
What could Gina have done? How could she have kept her date in a position of respect and the chemistry high?
Chances are if a man asks out a woman then asks her to make the plan, he's doing it to please her. He doesn't want to take a risk on taking her someplace she doesn't want to go.
However he unknowingly frustrates her when he invites her out without a plan.
How would you get your date to step up and make the plan?
First...
1. Give Him the Right to be Wrong
It's appropriate for a woman who doesn't want to be the respected leader to say something like, "You have every right to ask me to make the plan." (This gives him permission to be who he is and do things his way.)
Then...
2. Express Your Feelings
Tell him you're uncomfortable leading. Offer that he presents some ideas and you'll express how you feel about them.
Finally...
3. Make an Agreement
Ask him what he thinks about presenting ideas.
If the man doesn't agree to make the plan (and you don't want to) there's no agreement. You're done. It's over.
A masculine man will appreciate a woman's willingness to let him lead. Chances are, he'll be relieved to initiate ideas.
The key thing to remember here is to know your role and speak your part.
A feminine woman gets what she wants by knowing what she doesn't want. In this situation, Gina didn't want to lead so she needed to guide the man into making the plan as soon as he asked her what she wanted to do.
This way he feels respected and Gina feels good about accepting the date.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Is Your Stage Set for Love?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Recently, my friend hired a feng-shui artist to advise her on arranging her home to attract the love of her life.
"Where's your man going to put his brief case? With so many pillows on your bed, where's he going to sleep?" the feng-shui artist asked.
My friend had an apartment filled with many things, but apparently with no space for another person.
What about you? Do you have space in your home for love? If your ideal man walked through the door...would he fit?
Here are two simple directions to Set Your Stage for Love:
1. De-Clutter
Before meeting Lorenzo, I made a conscious purge of my home that lasted several months.
I cleaned files and deleted old business. I updated my photographs and removed items from my ex. I cleaned closets and left space for a new man to add his clothes. I gave away or threw away anything that wasn't beautiful, useful or meaningful.
This wasn't and easy process and it took a few passes, but I did my best to de-clutter my home.
Do you have a bunch of stuff that's getting in the way of your having a relationship? If so, let it go! If you're not using it, someone else will...
And you'll free your space for something new!
2. Re-Design
As a single woman living in my single apartment, my decor supported it.
My artwork featured single women.
My furniture was old and Victorian.
And (embarrassingly) my bedroom looked like a sixteen year old lived there. I had dainty flowered wallpaper and lace curtains and dolls on the bed! What man was going to get turned on in there?!?
So I re-designed.
I replaced my single girl art with couples and landscapes and beautiful scenery. I added a fresh coat of paint, a new bedspread and curtains to my bedroom. I bought two equal bedside tables and lamps. I removed family photos and replaced them with sensual candles and light. And what a difference!
Now did this make a difference in my meeting Lorenzo? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I started the process before meeting him in Italy and he moved to Los Angeles the day after the final picture was hung! Seriously.
I believe in the power of manipulating energy. When you move things around...furniture, your body...and reframe your dialogue and your behavior...you stand to create different results in your life than if you continue to do the same thing over and over.
So I ask you...Is Your Stage Set for Love?
If not, take a risk on De-Cluttering and Re-Designing your space for romance and observe the different results you get!
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Recently, my friend hired a feng-shui artist to advise her on arranging her home to attract the love of her life.
"Where's your man going to put his brief case? With so many pillows on your bed, where's he going to sleep?" the feng-shui artist asked.
My friend had an apartment filled with many things, but apparently with no space for another person.
What about you? Do you have space in your home for love? If your ideal man walked through the door...would he fit?
Here are two simple directions to Set Your Stage for Love:
1. De-Clutter
Before meeting Lorenzo, I made a conscious purge of my home that lasted several months.
I cleaned files and deleted old business. I updated my photographs and removed items from my ex. I cleaned closets and left space for a new man to add his clothes. I gave away or threw away anything that wasn't beautiful, useful or meaningful.
This wasn't and easy process and it took a few passes, but I did my best to de-clutter my home.
Do you have a bunch of stuff that's getting in the way of your having a relationship? If so, let it go! If you're not using it, someone else will...
And you'll free your space for something new!
2. Re-Design
As a single woman living in my single apartment, my decor supported it.
My artwork featured single women.
My furniture was old and Victorian.
And (embarrassingly) my bedroom looked like a sixteen year old lived there. I had dainty flowered wallpaper and lace curtains and dolls on the bed! What man was going to get turned on in there?!?
So I re-designed.
I replaced my single girl art with couples and landscapes and beautiful scenery. I added a fresh coat of paint, a new bedspread and curtains to my bedroom. I bought two equal bedside tables and lamps. I removed family photos and replaced them with sensual candles and light. And what a difference!
Now did this make a difference in my meeting Lorenzo? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I started the process before meeting him in Italy and he moved to Los Angeles the day after the final picture was hung! Seriously.
I believe in the power of manipulating energy. When you move things around...furniture, your body...and reframe your dialogue and your behavior...you stand to create different results in your life than if you continue to do the same thing over and over.
So I ask you...Is Your Stage Set for Love?
If not, take a risk on De-Cluttering and Re-Designing your space for romance and observe the different results you get!
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Do's & Don'ts of Your Dating Resume
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Before every audition, an actor prepares.
Before meeting with an agent or a director, he submits a headshot and resume.
Before the meeting, the agent/director will determine if the actor will be called in...or end up in the trash.
The same is true in dating.
The headshot and resume on your dating profile make your first impression. Often it determines if someone will meet you or delete you.
On-line dating resumes publicize what you want to attract, but most people don't know how to market effectively.
Even if you're not auditioning on-line, a dating resume gives you a chance to uniquely define your role and what you're looking for.
Five directions to keep in mind when scripting your dating profile:
1. DO Have a Fantastic Headshot
The Wall Street Journal reported that 30% of people dating on-line don't post photos! Without a photo, you have the least likely chance of meeting someone.
Take a good professional photo and use it!
DO NOT use a dark photo with your friends (or your ex) at some party where you look like you've had a few too many and there's a palm tree growing out of your head!
2. DO Create Your Own Character
Use Vivid, Bold descriptions! Make every word count.
Marketing your long slender legs, milky skin, deep sea-green eyes and million dollar smile gets attention.
Creating a character separates you from the masses!
3. DON'T List All the Qualifications For Your Co-Star
Telling us your mate must be gorgeous, intelligent, wealthy, sexy, healthy, romantic, sensitive, spiritual, charismatic, well-mannered, potty trained, and a non-smoker is waaayyy too much!
Limit yourself to three NON-NEGOTIABLES that are definable, attainable and communicable.
4. DON'T Lead With Your Worst Lines
Letting us know that your ex is an alcholic or you've only dated self-absorbed jerks in the past so you don't want any more of "those people" responding isn't your best introduction.
Please...save it for later...much later...if at all!
(This seems obvious, but you wouldn't believe the number of resumes I've read with this kind of info!)
5. DO Proof Your Profile
Read your resume for spelling and grammer. Expecially if you want to be takin serriously! :-)
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Before every audition, an actor prepares.
Before meeting with an agent or a director, he submits a headshot and resume.
Before the meeting, the agent/director will determine if the actor will be called in...or end up in the trash.
The same is true in dating.
The headshot and resume on your dating profile make your first impression. Often it determines if someone will meet you or delete you.
On-line dating resumes publicize what you want to attract, but most people don't know how to market effectively.
Even if you're not auditioning on-line, a dating resume gives you a chance to uniquely define your role and what you're looking for.
Five directions to keep in mind when scripting your dating profile:
1. DO Have a Fantastic Headshot
The Wall Street Journal reported that 30% of people dating on-line don't post photos! Without a photo, you have the least likely chance of meeting someone.
Take a good professional photo and use it!
DO NOT use a dark photo with your friends (or your ex) at some party where you look like you've had a few too many and there's a palm tree growing out of your head!
2. DO Create Your Own Character
Use Vivid, Bold descriptions! Make every word count.
Marketing your long slender legs, milky skin, deep sea-green eyes and million dollar smile gets attention.
Creating a character separates you from the masses!
3. DON'T List All the Qualifications For Your Co-Star
Telling us your mate must be gorgeous, intelligent, wealthy, sexy, healthy, romantic, sensitive, spiritual, charismatic, well-mannered, potty trained, and a non-smoker is waaayyy too much!
Limit yourself to three NON-NEGOTIABLES that are definable, attainable and communicable.
4. DON'T Lead With Your Worst Lines
Letting us know that your ex is an alcholic or you've only dated self-absorbed jerks in the past so you don't want any more of "those people" responding isn't your best introduction.
Please...save it for later...much later...if at all!
(This seems obvious, but you wouldn't believe the number of resumes I've read with this kind of info!)
5. DO Proof Your Profile
Read your resume for spelling and grammer. Expecially if you want to be takin serriously! :-)
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, September 8, 2008
How to Direct Your Life
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last summer, I re-directed my life.
After my husband and I moved to Marina del Rey, I took time off from work to percolate. I attended Interior Design School. I did home projects...decorating, cooking, entertaining. (I painted most of the walls in our house and became quite a little handy woman in the process...FYI :))
Finally, wanting to feel more productive, I decided to get my masters degree in psychology and enrolled at Antioch University.
Then I read a book called "The Four Hour Work Week" by Timothy Ferris and my life changed.
Ferris has a system on how to prioritize your life. (I am really going to paraphrase here. Ferris' description is much more detailed than what I'm sharing with you.)
But, in general, this is a simple exercise with very big impact. You can use this exercise to direct your life...anyway you want. Forever!
1. List Everything You Want to Be, Have and Do
Everything. Everything you think is important or want to do in this life, write it down. Even things you don't think are possible, but you'd like to have or be or experience. Put them all down on paper.
This will take some time. At first great things start coming to you, like traveling around the world; owning your own yacht; speaking Japanese fluently; having a fabulous romantic relationship, etc.
Then you'll ponder and mull in your sleep. You'll think of more. It's all good. Write it down.
And once you think your list is complete...
2. Edit Your List to the Top FOUR Priorities
This is a little tougher. You really have to think about what's important. What do you really want to be? What do you really want to have? What do you really want to spend your time doing?
(That's what this exercise is really about. How you really want to spend your time in life.)
I edited my list: Get a masters in psychology. Complete design school. Visit family. Redo the bathroom.
I looked at my list. I didn't feel excited.
These were all good things. Seeing family. Learning. Building.
These were things I could do or should do...but they didn't inspire or motivate me to want to do.
3. Each Priority MUST Inspire & Motivate You!
You must really get excited and charged when you think about these four things! They must make you want to get up in the morning! They must stimulate your energy and creativity!
My list bored the hell out of me.
So I threw it out and started over.
I listed things I really wanted to do in life. Despite what anyone thought. Despite the "shoulds" in my head.
I wrote: Go to water ski camp. Paint the bedroom. Vacation with my husband on a tropical island. Write an on-line newsletter. Speak French fluently. Italian, too. Visit South America.
Then I narrowed my list down to the Top Four.
And I realized...Psychology school wasn't even on my list. Didn't even come in my head as I was writing. Not once!
(Wow. Guess who didn't go to Psychology class the next day?)
4. Complete the Top Four Priorities Within the Next 3-6 Months
If one of your goals is too general or not obtainable within 3-6 months, break it down.
If speaking French fluently was a priority, I would have enrolled in a French class and started learning. (French didn't make it into my Top 4.)
Let's say you want a romantic relationship. What can you do to move yourself towards that goal within three months? Something you're not already doing now. You could: Join an organization to meet new people. Practice flirting five minutes a day. Learn more about yourself and who you want to be (and attract) in a relationship.
The goal must stretch you. It must take you out of your comfort zone. It must extend you past your normal routine and inspire you towards the big goal.
And the first step must be attainable within 3-6 months.
5. Re-Evaluate Your List Every 3-6 Months
Do you remember your New Year's Resolutions? I don't. (And if I did, I probably didn't do them.)
Re-evaluating your Top Priorities every 3-6 months not only gives you clarity...it gives you flexibility. And the ability to accomplish what's really important to you without a lot of distraction.
And it allows you to change your mind. If after three months, you stop feeling inspired, do something else. Make a new list.
When I'm asked to do something that doesn't align with my Top Four priorities, I tell people to get back with me on a certain date because for now, my plate is full!
Next time you're overwhelmed with "to dos," list your priorities, eliminate the "shoulds" and go forth inspired...(for at least three months!)
Last summer, I re-directed my life.
After my husband and I moved to Marina del Rey, I took time off from work to percolate. I attended Interior Design School. I did home projects...decorating, cooking, entertaining. (I painted most of the walls in our house and became quite a little handy woman in the process...FYI :))
Finally, wanting to feel more productive, I decided to get my masters degree in psychology and enrolled at Antioch University.
Then I read a book called "The Four Hour Work Week" by Timothy Ferris and my life changed.
Ferris has a system on how to prioritize your life. (I am really going to paraphrase here. Ferris' description is much more detailed than what I'm sharing with you.)
But, in general, this is a simple exercise with very big impact. You can use this exercise to direct your life...anyway you want. Forever!
1. List Everything You Want to Be, Have and Do
Everything. Everything you think is important or want to do in this life, write it down. Even things you don't think are possible, but you'd like to have or be or experience. Put them all down on paper.
This will take some time. At first great things start coming to you, like traveling around the world; owning your own yacht; speaking Japanese fluently; having a fabulous romantic relationship, etc.
Then you'll ponder and mull in your sleep. You'll think of more. It's all good. Write it down.
And once you think your list is complete...
2. Edit Your List to the Top FOUR Priorities
This is a little tougher. You really have to think about what's important. What do you really want to be? What do you really want to have? What do you really want to spend your time doing?
(That's what this exercise is really about. How you really want to spend your time in life.)
I edited my list: Get a masters in psychology. Complete design school. Visit family. Redo the bathroom.
I looked at my list. I didn't feel excited.
These were all good things. Seeing family. Learning. Building.
These were things I could do or should do...but they didn't inspire or motivate me to want to do.
3. Each Priority MUST Inspire & Motivate You!
You must really get excited and charged when you think about these four things! They must make you want to get up in the morning! They must stimulate your energy and creativity!
My list bored the hell out of me.
So I threw it out and started over.
I listed things I really wanted to do in life. Despite what anyone thought. Despite the "shoulds" in my head.
I wrote: Go to water ski camp. Paint the bedroom. Vacation with my husband on a tropical island. Write an on-line newsletter. Speak French fluently. Italian, too. Visit South America.
Then I narrowed my list down to the Top Four.
And I realized...Psychology school wasn't even on my list. Didn't even come in my head as I was writing. Not once!
(Wow. Guess who didn't go to Psychology class the next day?)
4. Complete the Top Four Priorities Within the Next 3-6 Months
If one of your goals is too general or not obtainable within 3-6 months, break it down.
If speaking French fluently was a priority, I would have enrolled in a French class and started learning. (French didn't make it into my Top 4.)
Let's say you want a romantic relationship. What can you do to move yourself towards that goal within three months? Something you're not already doing now. You could: Join an organization to meet new people. Practice flirting five minutes a day. Learn more about yourself and who you want to be (and attract) in a relationship.
The goal must stretch you. It must take you out of your comfort zone. It must extend you past your normal routine and inspire you towards the big goal.
And the first step must be attainable within 3-6 months.
5. Re-Evaluate Your List Every 3-6 Months
Do you remember your New Year's Resolutions? I don't. (And if I did, I probably didn't do them.)
Re-evaluating your Top Priorities every 3-6 months not only gives you clarity...it gives you flexibility. And the ability to accomplish what's really important to you without a lot of distraction.
And it allows you to change your mind. If after three months, you stop feeling inspired, do something else. Make a new list.
When I'm asked to do something that doesn't align with my Top Four priorities, I tell people to get back with me on a certain date because for now, my plate is full!
Next time you're overwhelmed with "to dos," list your priorities, eliminate the "shoulds" and go forth inspired...(for at least three months!)
Monday, August 25, 2008
Setting the Stage for Sex
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Tom puts his arm around Sandra as they walk to her door. Wanting the date to continue, Sandra invites Tom inside for coffee. He readily agrees.
Once inside, the coffee's forgotten as Sandra and Tom kiss on the sofa. Juices are flowing and the chemistry is hot.
Tom moves his hand up Sandra's skirt, slides up her thigh. Sandra gently pushes his hand away.
Tom kisses her again, moving his hand to her breast.
Sandra makes a weak attempt to remove it.
Tom nuzzles into Sandra's neck and whispers, "Let's go to your bedroom."
Uh oh. What's Sandra gonna do?
Does she go for it and risk Tom thinking she's a one-night stand? Or does she say "no" and risk Tom thinking she's a tease?
How does Sandra set the stage for sex in this new relationship?
By talking about it.
In my opinion, there's only one hard and fast direction around when to have sex. That is: When you know the plan.
If you want a one-night stand or a brief affair and your partner is in agreement, go for it. You're both on the same page.
If you want a long-term romance and your partner wants an affair, stop! You're incompatible.
Sandra needs to tell Tom how she feels so feelings aren't hurt and agendas aren't mixed.
Let's say Sandra wants a relationship. What exactly does that mean? How can she communicate to Tom what she wants?
By telling him she wants Longevity, Continuity and Exclusivity to feel safe before having sex. She must have all three. One or two simply ain't good enough!
Longevity: What is the long-term plan? If you want to be married, does your partner want the same thing? This doesn't mean you'll end up marrying each other, but at least you'll know if you're moving in the same direction.
Continuity: How often do you plan to see each other? Once a week? Twice a week? Monthly? If you're long distance, how often will you visit?
Monogamy: This means social as well as sexual monogamy. It's a wonderful thing to have a sexual commitment. It's also a good idea to contract the social monogamy so your partner's not back on line looking for another deal!
It's valuable for two people who want a long-term, romantic relationship to allow the friendship to grow as long as possible. The best romance is between the ears. Anticipation during courtship can be so delicious! Once a couple enters into a sexual relationship the dynamics shift. So enjoy the foreplay!
In my opinion, the longer you wait to consummate sex, the deeper the feelings of love making. If you can resist until the third or fourth month, you'll have a much better idea of whom you're in a relationship with.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Tom puts his arm around Sandra as they walk to her door. Wanting the date to continue, Sandra invites Tom inside for coffee. He readily agrees.
Once inside, the coffee's forgotten as Sandra and Tom kiss on the sofa. Juices are flowing and the chemistry is hot.
Tom moves his hand up Sandra's skirt, slides up her thigh. Sandra gently pushes his hand away.
Tom kisses her again, moving his hand to her breast.
Sandra makes a weak attempt to remove it.
Tom nuzzles into Sandra's neck and whispers, "Let's go to your bedroom."
Uh oh. What's Sandra gonna do?
Does she go for it and risk Tom thinking she's a one-night stand? Or does she say "no" and risk Tom thinking she's a tease?
How does Sandra set the stage for sex in this new relationship?
By talking about it.
In my opinion, there's only one hard and fast direction around when to have sex. That is: When you know the plan.
If you want a one-night stand or a brief affair and your partner is in agreement, go for it. You're both on the same page.
If you want a long-term romance and your partner wants an affair, stop! You're incompatible.
Sandra needs to tell Tom how she feels so feelings aren't hurt and agendas aren't mixed.
Let's say Sandra wants a relationship. What exactly does that mean? How can she communicate to Tom what she wants?
By telling him she wants Longevity, Continuity and Exclusivity to feel safe before having sex. She must have all three. One or two simply ain't good enough!
Longevity: What is the long-term plan? If you want to be married, does your partner want the same thing? This doesn't mean you'll end up marrying each other, but at least you'll know if you're moving in the same direction.
Continuity: How often do you plan to see each other? Once a week? Twice a week? Monthly? If you're long distance, how often will you visit?
Monogamy: This means social as well as sexual monogamy. It's a wonderful thing to have a sexual commitment. It's also a good idea to contract the social monogamy so your partner's not back on line looking for another deal!
It's valuable for two people who want a long-term, romantic relationship to allow the friendship to grow as long as possible. The best romance is between the ears. Anticipation during courtship can be so delicious! Once a couple enters into a sexual relationship the dynamics shift. So enjoy the foreplay!
In my opinion, the longer you wait to consummate sex, the deeper the feelings of love making. If you can resist until the third or fourth month, you'll have a much better idea of whom you're in a relationship with.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Making an Entrance: The Power of Presentation
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I fluffed my hair, dabbed my lipstick and gave myself one last check in the mirror. Then I took a deep breath.
I opened the door.
And there he stood...
Tall, Dark and Dirty.
Seriously. He was filthy. His clothes weren't washed. There was dirt underneath his fingernails and he smelled bad.
I couldn't believe this man had showed up like this for our date.
Our first meeting and he knocks at my door unbathed!
He was an electrician and he came to pick me up directly from work. (We were meeting for the first time through a dating agency.)
Before he could open his mouth...I knew this man was most definitely NOT MY MAN!
Before he could speak, I cast him in the role of "Loser".
I couldn't hear a thing he said....
Because it was over. In the first three seconds as he stood at my door, it was over. Done.
No matter what you think...Presentation is important.
People make an impression of you in the first three seconds of seeing you.
How you look, how you act and how you speak can set the stage for your relationship (or lack of a relationship) from here to eternity.
My date made a memorable entrance...but not a favorable one.
Here are three directions on how to make a favorable entrance to attract the man you want:
1. Dress the Part
Do you look your best? Are you clean? Do you smell good? How's your hair and make-up?
Does what you're wearing fit you? Is it the right color? Does it flatter your body?
If it doesn't, you're not dressing your part. You can't possibly expect to attract a really great guy if you don't look good.
Dress your best. Wear something soft. Wear something touchable. Wear something that shows off your figure.
If you're dressing to attract the attention of a man, be sure you're giving him something he'd like to see.
And put a smile on your lips and sway your hips! Because, baby, he also likes how you move!
2. Act the Part
Are you courteous? Are you timely? Are you rude?
Do you tell him what to do? Or do you let him lead?
Do you ask for his number? Or wait for him to want to call you?
Do you impress him with your accomplishments or respect his first? (HELLO! If you're respecting each other's accomplishments, you're two men at work...you're not on a date!)
If you want to attract a man, you want him to like how you act.
That means being on time. Listening to what he has to say. Smiling when he says something amusing.
Act as if you enjoy being with him and that he interests you. (Even if he doesn't interest you, it's good practice!)
Knowing how to act your part is part of being in a relationship. And that (as far as I know) will never change.
3. Speak the Part
Do you talk too much? Are you critical? Do you judge?
Do you say "Yes" to his ideas? "Thank you" to his compliments? Or "Please" to what he offers?
And when it's uncomfortable can you really say "No"? (And mean it?)
You must know how to speak to your partner. How to respect him. How to build with him. How to negotiate and communicate with him.
I don't have to remind you how different we are. How men's and women's brains are different. How we speak and communicate so differently.
As a woman, it's in your best interest to understand a man's language and how he takes in information so that when you speak, he hears you and understands you.
In a romantic relationship it will serve you to know how to speak to your man.
So next time you Make an Entrance to Meet a New Man remember...how you dress, how you act and how you speak...can determine the success (or lack of success) in your relationship.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
I fluffed my hair, dabbed my lipstick and gave myself one last check in the mirror. Then I took a deep breath.
I opened the door.
And there he stood...
Tall, Dark and Dirty.
Seriously. He was filthy. His clothes weren't washed. There was dirt underneath his fingernails and he smelled bad.
I couldn't believe this man had showed up like this for our date.
Our first meeting and he knocks at my door unbathed!
He was an electrician and he came to pick me up directly from work. (We were meeting for the first time through a dating agency.)
Before he could open his mouth...I knew this man was most definitely NOT MY MAN!
Before he could speak, I cast him in the role of "Loser".
I couldn't hear a thing he said....
Because it was over. In the first three seconds as he stood at my door, it was over. Done.
No matter what you think...Presentation is important.
People make an impression of you in the first three seconds of seeing you.
How you look, how you act and how you speak can set the stage for your relationship (or lack of a relationship) from here to eternity.
My date made a memorable entrance...but not a favorable one.
Here are three directions on how to make a favorable entrance to attract the man you want:
1. Dress the Part
Do you look your best? Are you clean? Do you smell good? How's your hair and make-up?
Does what you're wearing fit you? Is it the right color? Does it flatter your body?
If it doesn't, you're not dressing your part. You can't possibly expect to attract a really great guy if you don't look good.
Dress your best. Wear something soft. Wear something touchable. Wear something that shows off your figure.
If you're dressing to attract the attention of a man, be sure you're giving him something he'd like to see.
And put a smile on your lips and sway your hips! Because, baby, he also likes how you move!
2. Act the Part
Are you courteous? Are you timely? Are you rude?
Do you tell him what to do? Or do you let him lead?
Do you ask for his number? Or wait for him to want to call you?
Do you impress him with your accomplishments or respect his first? (HELLO! If you're respecting each other's accomplishments, you're two men at work...you're not on a date!)
If you want to attract a man, you want him to like how you act.
That means being on time. Listening to what he has to say. Smiling when he says something amusing.
Act as if you enjoy being with him and that he interests you. (Even if he doesn't interest you, it's good practice!)
Knowing how to act your part is part of being in a relationship. And that (as far as I know) will never change.
3. Speak the Part
Do you talk too much? Are you critical? Do you judge?
Do you say "Yes" to his ideas? "Thank you" to his compliments? Or "Please" to what he offers?
And when it's uncomfortable can you really say "No"? (And mean it?)
You must know how to speak to your partner. How to respect him. How to build with him. How to negotiate and communicate with him.
I don't have to remind you how different we are. How men's and women's brains are different. How we speak and communicate so differently.
As a woman, it's in your best interest to understand a man's language and how he takes in information so that when you speak, he hears you and understands you.
In a romantic relationship it will serve you to know how to speak to your man.
So next time you Make an Entrance to Meet a New Man remember...how you dress, how you act and how you speak...can determine the success (or lack of success) in your relationship.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Behind the Scenes: The Reality of a Relationship
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
"Tell me something bad," my client whined.
"I love reading your newsletters and reading about your fabulous life and seeing how happy you are with your husband. But sometimes I really don't want to hear about it! Especially when I'm having so much difficulty. So tell me something that's not working in your life!"
Wow. As the Dating Director, I want to keep a positive attitude about love and life. And it's easier and more fun to write about good things. Especially when life is full of good things.
It's true. I've been blessed. I have good friends, good health, good surroundings and the love of a good man. Who could ask for anything more? :)
You could say I'm one of the lucky ones.
And believe me I am lucky when it comes to family and friends.
But getting into a romantic relationship...that's where Luck had nothing to do with it.
I worked hard. I dated a lot of men. I had to learn what to do, what to say and how to be as a woman. I had to learn how to express myself in a way that made me feel better about who I am in a relationship. And I had to learn how to negotiate and communicate in a rational way so I could be heard and understood by a man.
It wasn't easy. It's taken years. And I'm still learning.
But it's working. I have an eight year relationship to show for it. (Neither Lorenzo nor I had been in a relationship that lasted past a year and a half before.)
So it's definitely been worth it.
But make no mistake. Getting into a relationship is where the real work begins! You think you know what you want and then you somehow get it. And then you panic and think...what do I do with it now?
Relationships are Major Skill Builders and Major Tests. About who you are. About who he is. About who you are together. About choices you make. About commitment. And about fear.
So today I'm sharing with you three realities from my relationship (and I don't think I'm alone. :))
1. Expect Conflict
Because you're gonna have it. In fact, you can mark your calendar because usually the bomb goes off about every two months. Every sixty days it's like a BIG pimple pops. Things build up and it just blows.
I don't know ANYONE in a relationship (a good one anyway) that doesn't deal with some kind of conflict or major obstacle of some sort. NO ONE.
Everybody's got their stuff.
It could be an ex. Or children. Or a meddling in-law. Or a health issue. Or finances. Or________(fill in the blank).
Conflict is part of Relationship.
It's how you DEAL with conflict that determines if you'll stay with your partner or not.
Now the good news: Conflict Builds Intimacy.
So don't fight with anyone you don't want to build with.
And remember...making up can be fun!
2. The Perfect Mate (or Situation) Doesn't Exist
Like buying a new house and then discovering it has leaks and mold, your dream man isn't perfect. And, lest I say, neither are you.
There are days when you will look at your husband (and he will look at you :)) and you both will think, "Why in the "$#)@* did I marry this jerk?" (Oh, yes. You will, too.)
My husband, Lorenzo, has these annoying little habits...like dumping sugar on the counter when he makes coffee and leaving it there. Or not sealing the zip lock bag together properly so food spoils. Or Arrrrgggghhh! Leaving all that nasty shaving cream mess in the bathroom sink.
You might be thinking, "Cherry, those things are so petty. That's not important in a relationship. You can learn to live with that."
And you're right.
I do.
But every now and then (at least every two months), those petty annoyances just add up and I blow!
That's when I scold him and tell him what to do.
And that's when he calls me BIG MAN.
'Cause I'm acting like BIG MAMA.
As skilled as I am in the art of femininity, there are times when IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BE THE GIRL! (Especially when I think I'm smarter, I can do it better and at least 10 times faster! :))
3. Beware of Yourself
Personally, I believe the reason we're in relationship is to heal parts of ourselves. My husband teaches me more about myself than I (really) want to know!
It's easy when everything's fine to keep a big smile.
But then the lights go out. (They do.) And trouble hits. (It does.) And you're tested. (You are.) And you see parts of yourself that you've never known. (Or want to know).
That's when a relationship is not so pretty. Or nice.
That's when it's dark. And scary. Because behind the scenes are where you see the dark side of yourself.
He exposes your greatest fears. He plays on your insecurities. He knows you behind your mask.
There's no place to go and hide. Your partner sees everything.
And It's hard. It's hard to watch yourself and who you can become when you're angry at someone you love.
It just feels bad. It sucks.
And there's more at stake being in a marriage. (More paperwork and furniture.)
So all I know to do is to strap myself in and go through it. Get through it the best I can.
And grow. And learn. And share.
And so far, it's been worth it.
Many times we "blow" a relationship because we don't know how to ask for what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
"Tell me something bad," my client whined.
"I love reading your newsletters and reading about your fabulous life and seeing how happy you are with your husband. But sometimes I really don't want to hear about it! Especially when I'm having so much difficulty. So tell me something that's not working in your life!"
Wow. As the Dating Director, I want to keep a positive attitude about love and life. And it's easier and more fun to write about good things. Especially when life is full of good things.
It's true. I've been blessed. I have good friends, good health, good surroundings and the love of a good man. Who could ask for anything more? :)
You could say I'm one of the lucky ones.
And believe me I am lucky when it comes to family and friends.
But getting into a romantic relationship...that's where Luck had nothing to do with it.
I worked hard. I dated a lot of men. I had to learn what to do, what to say and how to be as a woman. I had to learn how to express myself in a way that made me feel better about who I am in a relationship. And I had to learn how to negotiate and communicate in a rational way so I could be heard and understood by a man.
It wasn't easy. It's taken years. And I'm still learning.
But it's working. I have an eight year relationship to show for it. (Neither Lorenzo nor I had been in a relationship that lasted past a year and a half before.)
So it's definitely been worth it.
But make no mistake. Getting into a relationship is where the real work begins! You think you know what you want and then you somehow get it. And then you panic and think...what do I do with it now?
Relationships are Major Skill Builders and Major Tests. About who you are. About who he is. About who you are together. About choices you make. About commitment. And about fear.
So today I'm sharing with you three realities from my relationship (and I don't think I'm alone. :))
1. Expect Conflict
Because you're gonna have it. In fact, you can mark your calendar because usually the bomb goes off about every two months. Every sixty days it's like a BIG pimple pops. Things build up and it just blows.
I don't know ANYONE in a relationship (a good one anyway) that doesn't deal with some kind of conflict or major obstacle of some sort. NO ONE.
Everybody's got their stuff.
It could be an ex. Or children. Or a meddling in-law. Or a health issue. Or finances. Or________(fill in the blank).
Conflict is part of Relationship.
It's how you DEAL with conflict that determines if you'll stay with your partner or not.
Now the good news: Conflict Builds Intimacy.
So don't fight with anyone you don't want to build with.
And remember...making up can be fun!
2. The Perfect Mate (or Situation) Doesn't Exist
Like buying a new house and then discovering it has leaks and mold, your dream man isn't perfect. And, lest I say, neither are you.
There are days when you will look at your husband (and he will look at you :)) and you both will think, "Why in the "$#)@* did I marry this jerk?" (Oh, yes. You will, too.)
My husband, Lorenzo, has these annoying little habits...like dumping sugar on the counter when he makes coffee and leaving it there. Or not sealing the zip lock bag together properly so food spoils. Or Arrrrgggghhh! Leaving all that nasty shaving cream mess in the bathroom sink.
You might be thinking, "Cherry, those things are so petty. That's not important in a relationship. You can learn to live with that."
And you're right.
I do.
But every now and then (at least every two months), those petty annoyances just add up and I blow!
That's when I scold him and tell him what to do.
And that's when he calls me BIG MAN.
'Cause I'm acting like BIG MAMA.
As skilled as I am in the art of femininity, there are times when IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BE THE GIRL! (Especially when I think I'm smarter, I can do it better and at least 10 times faster! :))
3. Beware of Yourself
Personally, I believe the reason we're in relationship is to heal parts of ourselves. My husband teaches me more about myself than I (really) want to know!
It's easy when everything's fine to keep a big smile.
But then the lights go out. (They do.) And trouble hits. (It does.) And you're tested. (You are.) And you see parts of yourself that you've never known. (Or want to know).
That's when a relationship is not so pretty. Or nice.
That's when it's dark. And scary. Because behind the scenes are where you see the dark side of yourself.
He exposes your greatest fears. He plays on your insecurities. He knows you behind your mask.
There's no place to go and hide. Your partner sees everything.
And It's hard. It's hard to watch yourself and who you can become when you're angry at someone you love.
It just feels bad. It sucks.
And there's more at stake being in a marriage. (More paperwork and furniture.)
So all I know to do is to strap myself in and go through it. Get through it the best I can.
And grow. And learn. And share.
And so far, it's been worth it.
Many times we "blow" a relationship because we don't know how to ask for what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
To Pay or Not To Pay?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
To Pay or Not to Pay? It's often a confusing question when dating a new man.
What would you do in this situation?
You're having dinner with a man you find very attractive. He's sexy, smart, sensitive and fun. He's a gentleman. He treats you well. He makes you laugh. He's entertaining. And it seems like he's really into you.
The evening is delightful. Romantic. Absolutely perfect.
Then the check arrives.
Your date looks at the check and says, "Should we just split this?"
And your heart sinks.
(Damn.) (Just when everything was going so great.)
Would you...
A. Tell him how rude he is and how he should NEVER ask a woman to pay.
B. Reluctantly give in to his request and pay your share.
C. Negotiate with him about who pays.
If you answered A, you're not giving him the right to be who he is. (Most men don't go for controlling bitchy women.) (Even if they are cheap.)
If you answered B, you're not standing up for yourself. And you'll resent (and punish) him later because paying for your meal doesn't make you feel good.
If you answered C, you're willing to take a risk on building an intimate relationship.
So should you decide to negotiate...how would you do it? (You may ask.)
1. Acknowledge Your Date Has the Right to Ask for What He Wants
Even if you don't like what he asks for.
If he asks you to pay (because he's broke; he just wants to be friends; he doesn't want to offend you by paying; or whatever...) remember he has a right to ask.
And if he's someone you want to build a relationship with, it's in your best interest to acknowledge it.
So tell him he has every right to ask you to pay your share.
2. Tell Him How You Feel About What He's Asked
If you don't feel comfortable splitting the tab, tell him.
Let him know you respect men who are generous and protective. And in return you'll feel more vulnerable and receptive to his lead and ideas.
It's in your best interest to feel a little indebted to a man you're dating. As you feel safer and cherished by his generosity, you're better able to open up sensually and sexually.
(How many men think that's a good idea? :))
3. Negotiate an Agreement
Ask what he wants to do.
Does he want to pay the bill and establish himself as the respected leader in the relationship? (If so, you're building intimacy.)
Or does he prefer to find someone else who will split the check with him? (That's called friendship. When a woman pays equal to a man there isn't a log of intimacy promoted.)
Generally, I believe whoever initiates the date should pay. But everyone has a right to ask for what they want. And in a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know how to negotiate.
So give your date permission to ask for what he wants, tell him how you feel about it and make an agreement.
Knowing how to negotiate helps build intimacy in all your relationships...not just in dating and romance!
Many times we "blow" a situation because we don't know how to communicate and negotiate to get what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
To Pay or Not to Pay? It's often a confusing question when dating a new man.
What would you do in this situation?
You're having dinner with a man you find very attractive. He's sexy, smart, sensitive and fun. He's a gentleman. He treats you well. He makes you laugh. He's entertaining. And it seems like he's really into you.
The evening is delightful. Romantic. Absolutely perfect.
Then the check arrives.
Your date looks at the check and says, "Should we just split this?"
And your heart sinks.
(Damn.) (Just when everything was going so great.)
Would you...
A. Tell him how rude he is and how he should NEVER ask a woman to pay.
B. Reluctantly give in to his request and pay your share.
C. Negotiate with him about who pays.
If you answered A, you're not giving him the right to be who he is. (Most men don't go for controlling bitchy women.) (Even if they are cheap.)
If you answered B, you're not standing up for yourself. And you'll resent (and punish) him later because paying for your meal doesn't make you feel good.
If you answered C, you're willing to take a risk on building an intimate relationship.
So should you decide to negotiate...how would you do it? (You may ask.)
1. Acknowledge Your Date Has the Right to Ask for What He Wants
Even if you don't like what he asks for.
If he asks you to pay (because he's broke; he just wants to be friends; he doesn't want to offend you by paying; or whatever...) remember he has a right to ask.
And if he's someone you want to build a relationship with, it's in your best interest to acknowledge it.
So tell him he has every right to ask you to pay your share.
2. Tell Him How You Feel About What He's Asked
If you don't feel comfortable splitting the tab, tell him.
Let him know you respect men who are generous and protective. And in return you'll feel more vulnerable and receptive to his lead and ideas.
It's in your best interest to feel a little indebted to a man you're dating. As you feel safer and cherished by his generosity, you're better able to open up sensually and sexually.
(How many men think that's a good idea? :))
3. Negotiate an Agreement
Ask what he wants to do.
Does he want to pay the bill and establish himself as the respected leader in the relationship? (If so, you're building intimacy.)
Or does he prefer to find someone else who will split the check with him? (That's called friendship. When a woman pays equal to a man there isn't a log of intimacy promoted.)
Generally, I believe whoever initiates the date should pay. But everyone has a right to ask for what they want. And in a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know how to negotiate.
So give your date permission to ask for what he wants, tell him how you feel about it and make an agreement.
Knowing how to negotiate helps build intimacy in all your relationships...not just in dating and romance!
Many times we "blow" a situation because we don't know how to communicate and negotiate to get what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Our Date Was GREAT! Why Hasn't He Called?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Does this sound familiar?
You go on a date with someone. And it's Great.
You look good. You feel good. You connect with this person. You laugh. It feels like you could talk for days. And when you say "good-bye" you can't wait for the next time...
Because you're Absolutely, Positively Sure there WILL be a NEXT time.
And then...Nothing.
Poof. He's gone.
No call. No e-mail. No text.
And it feels horrible.
So you speculate...Maybe he's sick or lost my number???
And you re-enact...What could have possibly gone wrong???
And you poll your friends...What do YOU think???
And you wait...
And wait...
For the bloody phone to ring.
And it doesn't.
And it's driving you friggin' insane because...
You don't know what the "#$@*!" happened!
So what do you do???
1. Don't Take it Personally
Because it's not.
Men are logical. They know in advance if they're interested in dating or courting a woman. And there are significant differences in the two.
Dating is having fun for the moment.
Courting is planning for the long term.
If he's interested in dating, he's not going to court you. Period.
He may have sensed on the date that you were more interested in courtship rather than having fun and casual sex.
If a man doesn't call back, chances are he's not ready for a committed relationship.
2. Mark Your Calendar
It's common for a man to take 10 to 14 days to call back a woman.
Now before you start gettin' all wiggy...if he's Really Into You, he's gonna call sooner. I'm talkin' about the ones who don't!
Men operate on VERY different time lines than women. Men's brains are designed VERY differently from a woman's. (It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out! :))
It could take a man up to 8 WEEKS to call you back. (Yes. Seriously.) It could take him that long to process a decision to call.
So mark your calendar and be receptive if/when you hear from him.
3. Don't CALL HIM
Or e-mail. Or text. Or whatever! Wait it out!
His NOT calling is giving you lots of information on where he's at.
You don't wanna be chasing him if he's not into you!
If you haven't heard from him...AFTER eight weeks...you can send him a non-verbal salutation. Perhaps a short e-mail or greeting card could "jump start" him back into action.
If he doesn't respond, move on. He's simply not available.
4. Keep Yourself Out There
Stay open to dating others.
Best word in the English dictionary is "Next." If he's not interested, someone else will be.
So dress up, go out and attract someone new.
Many times we send out signals that are misperceived because we're unaware of our own behavior and how we're being interpreted.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Does this sound familiar?
You go on a date with someone. And it's Great.
You look good. You feel good. You connect with this person. You laugh. It feels like you could talk for days. And when you say "good-bye" you can't wait for the next time...
Because you're Absolutely, Positively Sure there WILL be a NEXT time.
And then...Nothing.
Poof. He's gone.
No call. No e-mail. No text.
And it feels horrible.
So you speculate...Maybe he's sick or lost my number???
And you re-enact...What could have possibly gone wrong???
And you poll your friends...What do YOU think???
And you wait...
And wait...
For the bloody phone to ring.
And it doesn't.
And it's driving you friggin' insane because...
You don't know what the "#$@*!" happened!
So what do you do???
1. Don't Take it Personally
Because it's not.
Men are logical. They know in advance if they're interested in dating or courting a woman. And there are significant differences in the two.
Dating is having fun for the moment.
Courting is planning for the long term.
If he's interested in dating, he's not going to court you. Period.
He may have sensed on the date that you were more interested in courtship rather than having fun and casual sex.
If a man doesn't call back, chances are he's not ready for a committed relationship.
2. Mark Your Calendar
It's common for a man to take 10 to 14 days to call back a woman.
Now before you start gettin' all wiggy...if he's Really Into You, he's gonna call sooner. I'm talkin' about the ones who don't!
Men operate on VERY different time lines than women. Men's brains are designed VERY differently from a woman's. (It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out! :))
It could take a man up to 8 WEEKS to call you back. (Yes. Seriously.) It could take him that long to process a decision to call.
So mark your calendar and be receptive if/when you hear from him.
3. Don't CALL HIM
Or e-mail. Or text. Or whatever! Wait it out!
His NOT calling is giving you lots of information on where he's at.
You don't wanna be chasing him if he's not into you!
If you haven't heard from him...AFTER eight weeks...you can send him a non-verbal salutation. Perhaps a short e-mail or greeting card could "jump start" him back into action.
If he doesn't respond, move on. He's simply not available.
4. Keep Yourself Out There
Stay open to dating others.
Best word in the English dictionary is "Next." If he's not interested, someone else will be.
So dress up, go out and attract someone new.
Many times we send out signals that are misperceived because we're unaware of our own behavior and how we're being interpreted.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, June 16, 2008
8 "Don'ts" of Dating
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
So many questions. So many rules.
When is it appropriate to have sex? When do you call? What do you do when he doesn't do what he says he's gonna to do?
So many "do's and don'ts" of dating. It ain't easy. But to help you ease through the pain...here are 8 "Don'ts" to never "Do" in any relationship!
1. Don't EXPECT Anything
Period. As soon as you have an expectation for your date to do anything, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Watch what he does. See what he presents. Decide if you want it or if you don't. But don't expect it. Because I promise...he will never, ever, ever do it your way. Ever.
(If you insist on expecting something...then expect the WORST. That way you at least have a chance of being delighted and surprised.)
2. Don't COMPLAIN
You have every right to complain, but it doesn't help you. Nor does it change the situation. So stop the habit of complaining. No one wants to hear it anyway. It's not pretty and it doesn't look good...especially if you're trying to make a decent first impression.
3. Don't CALL HIM
Or e-mail. Or text. Or whatever! This is so elementary I'm embarrassed to repeat it. But there are those who still don't get it. (I know. Hard to believe.) If you call him, you're the driver. You're running the show. He'll expect you to pursue him.
So if you don't want to lead, don't call. Let him call you and you call him back. Forever. Got it?
4. Don't ARGUE With Anyone You Don't Want to Build With
If your date says something you don't agree with and you're not sure you like him...keep your mouth shut. Don't argue. Just listen. Sit back and watch the show. Don't engage.
Otherwise you risk getting to know him better and gaining a deeper understanding of where he's coming from. And that's building a relationship.
5. Don't TRUST Anyone
Ever. You will only be disappointed. People are human. So it's best to not trust him.
Now before you get all "wiggy" and self righteous, think of how you can't even trust yourself. How many times have you told yourself you're going to loose that extra weight? And how many times have you done it?
Trust a scorpion (you know what they're capable of) before you trust your date (or mate). Instead, take a risk on the person and build a trustworthy relationship.
6. Don't HAVE SEX Without an Agreement
Know what the deal is before having sex. If you both want a one-night stand or a brief affair...fine. Just communicate it in advance so feelings aren't hurt and agendas aren't mixed. If one of you wants a long-term romance and the other is in it for tonight, someone's gonna get hurt. So know what you're getting into.
7. Don't COMMIT to Anyone
Commit to the relationship...not the person. Do your part and hope (to God) he does his. If you commit to the person, you're setting yourself up for disappointment because you'll start expecting. (Refer to Tip #1.)
8. Don't LEAVE Too Soon
Stay as long as you can. Even if this man is not YOUR man, there's something to be gained. He can teach you much about what you like and what you don't. Think of it as a "dress rehearsal" for the real deal.
If you leave too soon, you risk repeating the same lesson over again with the next man. So stay until you're done and you get it with this one.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
So many questions. So many rules.
When is it appropriate to have sex? When do you call? What do you do when he doesn't do what he says he's gonna to do?
So many "do's and don'ts" of dating. It ain't easy. But to help you ease through the pain...here are 8 "Don'ts" to never "Do" in any relationship!
1. Don't EXPECT Anything
Period. As soon as you have an expectation for your date to do anything, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Watch what he does. See what he presents. Decide if you want it or if you don't. But don't expect it. Because I promise...he will never, ever, ever do it your way. Ever.
(If you insist on expecting something...then expect the WORST. That way you at least have a chance of being delighted and surprised.)
2. Don't COMPLAIN
You have every right to complain, but it doesn't help you. Nor does it change the situation. So stop the habit of complaining. No one wants to hear it anyway. It's not pretty and it doesn't look good...especially if you're trying to make a decent first impression.
3. Don't CALL HIM
Or e-mail. Or text. Or whatever! This is so elementary I'm embarrassed to repeat it. But there are those who still don't get it. (I know. Hard to believe.) If you call him, you're the driver. You're running the show. He'll expect you to pursue him.
So if you don't want to lead, don't call. Let him call you and you call him back. Forever. Got it?
4. Don't ARGUE With Anyone You Don't Want to Build With
If your date says something you don't agree with and you're not sure you like him...keep your mouth shut. Don't argue. Just listen. Sit back and watch the show. Don't engage.
Otherwise you risk getting to know him better and gaining a deeper understanding of where he's coming from. And that's building a relationship.
5. Don't TRUST Anyone
Ever. You will only be disappointed. People are human. So it's best to not trust him.
Now before you get all "wiggy" and self righteous, think of how you can't even trust yourself. How many times have you told yourself you're going to loose that extra weight? And how many times have you done it?
Trust a scorpion (you know what they're capable of) before you trust your date (or mate). Instead, take a risk on the person and build a trustworthy relationship.
6. Don't HAVE SEX Without an Agreement
Know what the deal is before having sex. If you both want a one-night stand or a brief affair...fine. Just communicate it in advance so feelings aren't hurt and agendas aren't mixed. If one of you wants a long-term romance and the other is in it for tonight, someone's gonna get hurt. So know what you're getting into.
7. Don't COMMIT to Anyone
Commit to the relationship...not the person. Do your part and hope (to God) he does his. If you commit to the person, you're setting yourself up for disappointment because you'll start expecting. (Refer to Tip #1.)
8. Don't LEAVE Too Soon
Stay as long as you can. Even if this man is not YOUR man, there's something to be gained. He can teach you much about what you like and what you don't. Think of it as a "dress rehearsal" for the real deal.
If you leave too soon, you risk repeating the same lesson over again with the next man. So stay until you're done and you get it with this one.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Are You Neutering Your Man?
Trauma was the big ordeal of last week. Our puppy, Biscuit was neutered.
My husband, Lorenzo was a wreck. I had to reassure him (more than once) it wasn't HIS balls we were removing.
Neutering Biscuit got me thinking about the trauma men must feel when women inadvertently Neuter them by refusing their gifts and invitations.
Do You "Neuter Your Man"...Without Knowing You're Doing It?
Understanding in relationships can be quite challenging.
There are times when a woman...wanting to get her point across to a man...will come off as nagging, complaining and Hard to Please.
A man likes to win. He likes to make his woman happy. He usually won't stay with a woman who tells him what to do.
Consider for a moment, this seemingly innocent scenario:
Last week, Rose met a man who said he was very attracted and interested in her.
Instead of asking her out on a date or for a cup of coffee, he told her about a business gathering and invited her to come network.
Rose turned him down and told him she didn't like the fact that he invited her to a business matter rather than just asking her out based on the fact that he clearly showed he was interested in her. (Ouch!)
She's sad because she was really interested in him. She turned him down because she's tired of men hiding behind business in order to get close to her.
This is sad.
Sad because the man invited Rose out to get to know her in a safe, non-threatening way. It's very possible for romance to occur under the guise of a business deal.
Sad because Rose didn't know how to guide the man into romancing her. In her mind, she gave him advice to help him please her.
Instead, she Neutered him. She didn't mean to. She just didn't know.
It's frustrating for a man...when he's doing his best to give to a woman and make her comfortable...to be told something else would please her more.
Often a woman will read into a man's behavior and think he's doing his best to annoy her. She'll complain, "You should have done that" or "invited me there" or "given me this instead". What she's saying is, "I want more/better/different than what you're giving me."
And she's inadvertently castrating him.
If the man does what a woman requests, he's her "wittle boy." "Wittle boys" aren't generally respected by women.
If he chooses to go against her and do it his way, he's her arch enemy. It's hard to love an enemy.
Neither one is content or satisfied.
So what to do?
Ladies, simply say, "Yes. Thank you. Please."
Stop naggin' over nothin'!
Keep your mouth closed and do it his way unless what he proposes is unethical, illegal or immoral.
When a woman constantly tells a man what to do, he avoids her. And eventually he'll leave saying, "I'm sorry I can't please you. Go find someone who can."
The woman doesn't understand why he's gone. "I was only trying to help him," she laments.
Ladies, stop Neutering him by helping him. Let him do it HIS way and appreciate what he has to offer.
My husband, Lorenzo was a wreck. I had to reassure him (more than once) it wasn't HIS balls we were removing.
Neutering Biscuit got me thinking about the trauma men must feel when women inadvertently Neuter them by refusing their gifts and invitations.
Do You "Neuter Your Man"...Without Knowing You're Doing It?
Understanding in relationships can be quite challenging.
There are times when a woman...wanting to get her point across to a man...will come off as nagging, complaining and Hard to Please.
A man likes to win. He likes to make his woman happy. He usually won't stay with a woman who tells him what to do.
Consider for a moment, this seemingly innocent scenario:
Last week, Rose met a man who said he was very attracted and interested in her.
Instead of asking her out on a date or for a cup of coffee, he told her about a business gathering and invited her to come network.
Rose turned him down and told him she didn't like the fact that he invited her to a business matter rather than just asking her out based on the fact that he clearly showed he was interested in her. (Ouch!)
She's sad because she was really interested in him. She turned him down because she's tired of men hiding behind business in order to get close to her.
This is sad.
Sad because the man invited Rose out to get to know her in a safe, non-threatening way. It's very possible for romance to occur under the guise of a business deal.
Sad because Rose didn't know how to guide the man into romancing her. In her mind, she gave him advice to help him please her.
Instead, she Neutered him. She didn't mean to. She just didn't know.
It's frustrating for a man...when he's doing his best to give to a woman and make her comfortable...to be told something else would please her more.
Often a woman will read into a man's behavior and think he's doing his best to annoy her. She'll complain, "You should have done that" or "invited me there" or "given me this instead". What she's saying is, "I want more/better/different than what you're giving me."
And she's inadvertently castrating him.
If the man does what a woman requests, he's her "wittle boy." "Wittle boys" aren't generally respected by women.
If he chooses to go against her and do it his way, he's her arch enemy. It's hard to love an enemy.
Neither one is content or satisfied.
So what to do?
Ladies, simply say, "Yes. Thank you. Please."
Stop naggin' over nothin'!
Keep your mouth closed and do it his way unless what he proposes is unethical, illegal or immoral.
When a woman constantly tells a man what to do, he avoids her. And eventually he'll leave saying, "I'm sorry I can't please you. Go find someone who can."
The woman doesn't understand why he's gone. "I was only trying to help him," she laments.
Ladies, stop Neutering him by helping him. Let him do it HIS way and appreciate what he has to offer.
Friday, May 16, 2008
How To Know if He's REALLY Interested
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I received an e-mail from a single woman who attends church regularly. This year she started noticing the men attending her church events.
One man attracted her so she decided to practice her flirting techniques with him. Well, she smiled and got no response. He wouldn't even look at her. Then one night she walked next to him thinking he might look her way and say "hello". But he didn't. She'd never seen him with a woman. He was always alone. So she thought he was just shy.
Then one Sunday as she was selling baked goods, the man walked in...with a woman on his arm.
Ladies, when a man does not respond to you there are reasons.
So how can you tell if he's REALLY interested in meeting you?
1. Signal Him By Smiling for 5 Seconds
Three seconds is polite. Four is not enough. Five gets attention.
Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, you feel like you're inviting him to molest you on the spot. Yes, your armpits are sweating and your lip gets stuck on your tooth...but do it anyway.
A man needs to know you're interested before he feels safe enough to approach. Men who approach you without being signaled are usually drunks or nerds.
A man who walks across a room to speak to you after you've signaled him with a smile is DEFINITELY interested!
2. Don't Speak First
If you see a man you're interested in NEVER speak first (unless you want to pick him up, invite him out and pay for it.) (There's nothing wrong with that...just be conscious.)
If you speak to a man first, not only does it set you up to pursue him...you don't know if he's REALLY interested in you or just being polite.
I know of a woman who met a man in a coffee shop. She approached him and said, "I don't know if you're married or not, but I think you're cute."
They began seeing each other and after a couple months, she found out he was indeed married.
When she questioned him, he said, "You told me when we met you didn't care if I were married."
Oooops! Imagine her surprise.
3. Don't Take Rejection Personally
Sometimes you smile (or drop a handkerchief or trip him) and he just ignores you.
When this happens, don't take it personally. It's true that he may not find you attractive...but it could be because he's not available.
Maybe he's married. Maybe he's gay. Whatever.
Move on. Brush yourself off and smile at the next man you find appealing.
For more flirting techniques and to learn what to do and say in a new relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
I received an e-mail from a single woman who attends church regularly. This year she started noticing the men attending her church events.
One man attracted her so she decided to practice her flirting techniques with him. Well, she smiled and got no response. He wouldn't even look at her. Then one night she walked next to him thinking he might look her way and say "hello". But he didn't. She'd never seen him with a woman. He was always alone. So she thought he was just shy.
Then one Sunday as she was selling baked goods, the man walked in...with a woman on his arm.
Ladies, when a man does not respond to you there are reasons.
So how can you tell if he's REALLY interested in meeting you?
1. Signal Him By Smiling for 5 Seconds
Three seconds is polite. Four is not enough. Five gets attention.
Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, you feel like you're inviting him to molest you on the spot. Yes, your armpits are sweating and your lip gets stuck on your tooth...but do it anyway.
A man needs to know you're interested before he feels safe enough to approach. Men who approach you without being signaled are usually drunks or nerds.
A man who walks across a room to speak to you after you've signaled him with a smile is DEFINITELY interested!
2. Don't Speak First
If you see a man you're interested in NEVER speak first (unless you want to pick him up, invite him out and pay for it.) (There's nothing wrong with that...just be conscious.)
If you speak to a man first, not only does it set you up to pursue him...you don't know if he's REALLY interested in you or just being polite.
I know of a woman who met a man in a coffee shop. She approached him and said, "I don't know if you're married or not, but I think you're cute."
They began seeing each other and after a couple months, she found out he was indeed married.
When she questioned him, he said, "You told me when we met you didn't care if I were married."
Oooops! Imagine her surprise.
3. Don't Take Rejection Personally
Sometimes you smile (or drop a handkerchief or trip him) and he just ignores you.
When this happens, don't take it personally. It's true that he may not find you attractive...but it could be because he's not available.
Maybe he's married. Maybe he's gay. Whatever.
Move on. Brush yourself off and smile at the next man you find appealing.
For more flirting techniques and to learn what to do and say in a new relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, May 5, 2008
How To Handle the Not-So-Great Men
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
There are Great Men and there are No-So-Great Men.
My Daddy used to say, "Cherry, half the men out there aren't worth killing." (Encouraging, isn't it?) Daddy was a corporate lawyer. And a Great Man. But he dealt with many Not-So-Great men throughout his life.
And he wasn't afraid to tell you about it.
Just as I'm about to tell you...
As a woman looking for love, you must deal with many Not-So-Great Men while looking for your Great Man.
(But you already knew that.) (See, nothing gets by you! :))
You know exactly who they are.
You can recognize them in an instant.
So knowing a Not-So-Great Man is not the problem...
The problem is What in God's name do you do with them?
Two examples of Not-So-Great Men are: The "Nice Guy But..." and the "Rogue."
1. The "Nice Guy But..."
You know this guy very well.
He's the guy you meet in the coffee shop or at the gym or your friend sets you up with.
And he's nice. There's nothing wrong with him. But there's no magic either. He's just okay.
He's a Not-So-Great Man. For You.
You go out a couple of times and you know he's feeling the "mojo," but you're not. And he wants to kiss you and you're like...yuck.
You don't want to hurt him. Or lead him on. After all he's a NGB.
So what do you do?
You tell him "see ya" respectfully. You leave him in as good a place as you found him. You thank him for everything he's given you.
And you wish him well.
No man deserves to be clobbered for being the "Nice Guy But..."
2. The Rogue
You LOVE this guy!
This guy is a charmer and he's smooth. And he looks good. And he says all the right things. (At first.)
And he (calls, texts, e-mails) you and you're pleased. And you start to like him.
Because he's sooooo funny and sooooo sexy.
But he's sooooo broke.
And that's when you start to give to "poor him."
You make him dinner. Or invite him over for a movie. Or have sex too soon.
And then you pay. (Dearly.)
You can't stop thinking about him. And wanting him. And feeling bad about yourself. Because he's gone.
Ladies, this is a Not-So-Great guy.
So what do you do?
You say "No."
"No" to sex. "No" to calling him to see if he's okay. "No" to having him over...for ANYTHING!
Until you get what YOU want and need first. Period.
The challenge with the Rogue is that he's sooooo great and sooooo charming. And you believe every sweet word he says (in the beginning).
So he's really tough to say "No" to.
But in the end, you'll be happy you did.
There are Great Men and there are No-So-Great Men.
My Daddy used to say, "Cherry, half the men out there aren't worth killing." (Encouraging, isn't it?) Daddy was a corporate lawyer. And a Great Man. But he dealt with many Not-So-Great men throughout his life.
And he wasn't afraid to tell you about it.
Just as I'm about to tell you...
As a woman looking for love, you must deal with many Not-So-Great Men while looking for your Great Man.
(But you already knew that.) (See, nothing gets by you! :))
You know exactly who they are.
You can recognize them in an instant.
So knowing a Not-So-Great Man is not the problem...
The problem is What in God's name do you do with them?
Two examples of Not-So-Great Men are: The "Nice Guy But..." and the "Rogue."
1. The "Nice Guy But..."
You know this guy very well.
He's the guy you meet in the coffee shop or at the gym or your friend sets you up with.
And he's nice. There's nothing wrong with him. But there's no magic either. He's just okay.
He's a Not-So-Great Man. For You.
You go out a couple of times and you know he's feeling the "mojo," but you're not. And he wants to kiss you and you're like...yuck.
You don't want to hurt him. Or lead him on. After all he's a NGB.
So what do you do?
You tell him "see ya" respectfully. You leave him in as good a place as you found him. You thank him for everything he's given you.
And you wish him well.
No man deserves to be clobbered for being the "Nice Guy But..."
2. The Rogue
You LOVE this guy!
This guy is a charmer and he's smooth. And he looks good. And he says all the right things. (At first.)
And he (calls, texts, e-mails) you and you're pleased. And you start to like him.
Because he's sooooo funny and sooooo sexy.
But he's sooooo broke.
And that's when you start to give to "poor him."
You make him dinner. Or invite him over for a movie. Or have sex too soon.
And then you pay. (Dearly.)
You can't stop thinking about him. And wanting him. And feeling bad about yourself. Because he's gone.
Ladies, this is a Not-So-Great guy.
So what do you do?
You say "No."
"No" to sex. "No" to calling him to see if he's okay. "No" to having him over...for ANYTHING!
Until you get what YOU want and need first. Period.
The challenge with the Rogue is that he's sooooo great and sooooo charming. And you believe every sweet word he says (in the beginning).
So he's really tough to say "No" to.
But in the end, you'll be happy you did.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Where Are All the Great Men?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I received a darling note from a single Italian woman living in Texas. She wrote: "I appreciate all your information, but where are all the great successful single men?"
I wrote back, "In Italy". (Of course:))
Then she requested I personally bring the great men to her and her friends.
Ahhhh. I would if I could.
But then what?
Because it really doesn't matter where you find a Great Man if you don't know what to do with him.
So the question becomes, "Are You a Great Woman?"
Often I hear women complaining, "There are no good men. All the great ones are taken."
So as a woman, who are YOU when it comes to relationships?
What are your thoughts? What are your habits? And what are your beliefs?
If you're thinking there are no Great Men out there, guess what?
You're right.
There are NO Great Men.
If you think you attract jerks and nerds. Guess what? That's exactly what you attract.
If you think all the Great Men are taken, you're right. They are.
But if you think there ARE Great Single Men out there...You're absolutely right!
Great Men are everywhere. They roam the planet. You'll find them at the bank. Or at the drycleaners. Or at the grocery.
It's possible to find Great Men in the most obscure, remote, unexpected and unlikely places.
And they come in surprising packages. (Not at all what you'd expect.)
I met my Great Man on a sailboat in the middle of the Mediterranean. He was a bartender. And he was 10 years younger. And he didn't speak English (well). And he lived in Italy (when he wasn't sailing around the world).
The odds of Lorenzo being my husband were about a zillion to one.
But here we are...over seven years later.
Not only did I find a Great Man, I knew what to do with him after we met. And that made ALL the difference.
So ask yourself, would you know a Great Man if you met him? And what would you do when you find him?
Remember...how you meet a man (within the first 30 seconds) can determine the success (or lack of success) in your next romantic relationship!
Before you start hunting the Great Men, you must be a Great Woman.
If you're not a Great Woman, you won't see him or know him. And you certainly won't keep him.
If you're not a Great Woman...you'll keep doing the same thing you're doing now...and you'll keep attracting what you have now...
Which is: NO Great Men.
(If that's okay with you, it's okay with me.)
But if it isn't...If you want a different result and are willing to take the risk, it's time to take a new direction.
And the QUICKEST way to get started is with my 8-week Home Study CD Series:
"Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Love Story"
Here's to your being a Great Woman to attract (and keep) the Great Men!
I received a darling note from a single Italian woman living in Texas. She wrote: "I appreciate all your information, but where are all the great successful single men?"
I wrote back, "In Italy". (Of course:))
Then she requested I personally bring the great men to her and her friends.
Ahhhh. I would if I could.
But then what?
Because it really doesn't matter where you find a Great Man if you don't know what to do with him.
So the question becomes, "Are You a Great Woman?"
Often I hear women complaining, "There are no good men. All the great ones are taken."
So as a woman, who are YOU when it comes to relationships?
What are your thoughts? What are your habits? And what are your beliefs?
If you're thinking there are no Great Men out there, guess what?
You're right.
There are NO Great Men.
If you think you attract jerks and nerds. Guess what? That's exactly what you attract.
If you think all the Great Men are taken, you're right. They are.
But if you think there ARE Great Single Men out there...You're absolutely right!
Great Men are everywhere. They roam the planet. You'll find them at the bank. Or at the drycleaners. Or at the grocery.
It's possible to find Great Men in the most obscure, remote, unexpected and unlikely places.
And they come in surprising packages. (Not at all what you'd expect.)
I met my Great Man on a sailboat in the middle of the Mediterranean. He was a bartender. And he was 10 years younger. And he didn't speak English (well). And he lived in Italy (when he wasn't sailing around the world).
The odds of Lorenzo being my husband were about a zillion to one.
But here we are...over seven years later.
Not only did I find a Great Man, I knew what to do with him after we met. And that made ALL the difference.
So ask yourself, would you know a Great Man if you met him? And what would you do when you find him?
Remember...how you meet a man (within the first 30 seconds) can determine the success (or lack of success) in your next romantic relationship!
Before you start hunting the Great Men, you must be a Great Woman.
If you're not a Great Woman, you won't see him or know him. And you certainly won't keep him.
If you're not a Great Woman...you'll keep doing the same thing you're doing now...and you'll keep attracting what you have now...
Which is: NO Great Men.
(If that's okay with you, it's okay with me.)
But if it isn't...If you want a different result and are willing to take the risk, it's time to take a new direction.
And the QUICKEST way to get started is with my 8-week Home Study CD Series:
"Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Love Story"
Here's to your being a Great Woman to attract (and keep) the Great Men!
Monday, April 7, 2008
How to Keep Him Calling Back
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
The beginning of a new relationship is sooooo wonderful. Everything's fun and exciting (even a tad scary). But it's such a RELIEF to FINALLY find someone you're attracted to and can connect with.
Aaaahhhh....
This is also a time when a man...when he's REALLY into a woman...can call or e-mail or text her constantly.
"I really like him," my client Jane whined. "But I don't know. It's just...he's calling me all the time."
I sensed that even though Jane was flattered, she was a bit annoyed. Like the guy was soooo into her that she was actually bothered.
Guess what, girls?
That's a GOOD thing!
You WANT a guy to keep calling and texting and e-mailing. It's when he STOPS that you start worrying!
Most guys are single-focused. And more simple-minded than women. (This is not an insult...it's the way nature made us.)
When a man is REALLY into a woman, he pretty much targets his attention towards her and wants to be with her. Constantly. That means...most of the time.
Many women don't get this. (I didn't.) (Way back when.)
Jane was overwhelmed by so much attention, that she did the exact opposite of what she really wanted to happen.
Jane thwarted her man's pursuit by not taking his calls or not being available to see him and (arrrrggghhhh) telling him that he calls to much!
And guess what?
He STOPPED calling.
And guess what?
Jane is "whining" that the guy never calls like he used to.
Duuuuhhhh!
YOU trained him into it, Jane! You were annoyed when he called! You punished him for NOT doing it YOUR way!
Ladies, Pleeeaaassse!
When God gives you a gift of manna from the heavens, say "YES. THANK-YOU. PLEASE."
Don't clobber him when he calls! Don't push him away when he's really into you! Don't thwart his efforts by telling him you can do it yourself or you don't need "that" or you can pay for it yourself! Geeezzz!
Say "Thank you" when he calls. Say "Yes!" when he invites you out for Thursday (although you want to go out on Saturday). And for God's sake, say "Please" when he offers to do something nice for you!
Ladies, if you can properly guide a man to give, protect and cherish you, EVERYBODY wins. HE wins because he feels good doing it. YOU win because you feel good receiving it.
So the next time a guy you like starts calling you TOOOOO much say, (altogether now) "Yes. Thank-you. Please." (Again..."Yes. Thank-you. Please"...and again...)
And be HAPPY when he calls you back!
The beginning of a new relationship is sooooo wonderful. Everything's fun and exciting (even a tad scary). But it's such a RELIEF to FINALLY find someone you're attracted to and can connect with.
Aaaahhhh....
This is also a time when a man...when he's REALLY into a woman...can call or e-mail or text her constantly.
"I really like him," my client Jane whined. "But I don't know. It's just...he's calling me all the time."
I sensed that even though Jane was flattered, she was a bit annoyed. Like the guy was soooo into her that she was actually bothered.
Guess what, girls?
That's a GOOD thing!
You WANT a guy to keep calling and texting and e-mailing. It's when he STOPS that you start worrying!
Most guys are single-focused. And more simple-minded than women. (This is not an insult...it's the way nature made us.)
When a man is REALLY into a woman, he pretty much targets his attention towards her and wants to be with her. Constantly. That means...most of the time.
Many women don't get this. (I didn't.) (Way back when.)
Jane was overwhelmed by so much attention, that she did the exact opposite of what she really wanted to happen.
Jane thwarted her man's pursuit by not taking his calls or not being available to see him and (arrrrggghhhh) telling him that he calls to much!
And guess what?
He STOPPED calling.
And guess what?
Jane is "whining" that the guy never calls like he used to.
Duuuuhhhh!
YOU trained him into it, Jane! You were annoyed when he called! You punished him for NOT doing it YOUR way!
Ladies, Pleeeaaassse!
When God gives you a gift of manna from the heavens, say "YES. THANK-YOU. PLEASE."
Don't clobber him when he calls! Don't push him away when he's really into you! Don't thwart his efforts by telling him you can do it yourself or you don't need "that" or you can pay for it yourself! Geeezzz!
Say "Thank you" when he calls. Say "Yes!" when he invites you out for Thursday (although you want to go out on Saturday). And for God's sake, say "Please" when he offers to do something nice for you!
Ladies, if you can properly guide a man to give, protect and cherish you, EVERYBODY wins. HE wins because he feels good doing it. YOU win because you feel good receiving it.
So the next time a guy you like starts calling you TOOOOO much say, (altogether now) "Yes. Thank-you. Please." (Again..."Yes. Thank-you. Please"...and again...)
And be HAPPY when he calls you back!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
How to Divorce a Friend
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my dear friend, Lauren, whom I hadn't seen in ages. As we were catching up over burgers and salad, she asked about a friend of mine who I've known for many years.
"I don't know how she is," I answered. "I divorced her."
"What happened?" She asked incredulously.
Well...there wasn't anything that happened. And that's the difficult part.
If you've had an argument with someone or you've reached a "non-negotiable" or if life takes you in different directions, it's "easy" to end the relationship.
But when NOTHING out of the ordinary happens...when there's no reason to "break-up" other than you've outgrown the friendship, it's sticky.
"Basically," I told Lauren, "I didn't feel good when this friend called me.
I ALWAYS felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard from her.
It was ALWAYS a big 'ole ''Should' to return her call and I ALWAYS dreaded getting together because I didn't enjoy it when we did.
This friendship was an energy drain. Not a pleasant pick-me-up. So I ended it."
"Wow," Lauren said. "I'm thinking of two friends I need to divorce...but I don't know how."
Breaking off a friendship is not easy...but here are 3 ideas:
1. Don't Be As Available
If you don't want a complete "split" with your "friend," but you don't want to see them as often, simply be busy.
You're not as available. Your time is limited. And other than "you're busy"...you owe no excuses.
Often we have to see our "friends" (or our ex's) because of school or work or attending the same church or living in the same neighborhood.
The easiest thing to do is to back-off. Don't be as available.
2. Don't Have a "Conversation" About It
If you're divorcing your friend because you don't want to be friends, there's nothing to say.
To say, "I don't want to be friends anymore because I don't like you" is hurtful.
To say, "I don't want to be friends because I don't like the way you do things" you risk their response being, "I'll change. I'll do it your way".
Then you're screwed.
And you're building.
To have a "conversation" about why you can't be friends is counter productive. It simply doesn't work.
3. Don't Respond
This is a tough one. You feel like an ass.
I didn't respond to my "ex-friend" for 6 months before she got the message. And it was tough!
When she sent me a holiday card, I almost broke down and called. But in calling, I knew nothing would have changed and I would have to start the break-up all over again...later. So I didn't.
Albert Ellis, a famous American psychologist says, "People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection."
So true.
It's not easy to divorce your friends. But it can be easier than having to deal with them.
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my dear friend, Lauren, whom I hadn't seen in ages. As we were catching up over burgers and salad, she asked about a friend of mine who I've known for many years.
"I don't know how she is," I answered. "I divorced her."
"What happened?" She asked incredulously.
Well...there wasn't anything that happened. And that's the difficult part.
If you've had an argument with someone or you've reached a "non-negotiable" or if life takes you in different directions, it's "easy" to end the relationship.
But when NOTHING out of the ordinary happens...when there's no reason to "break-up" other than you've outgrown the friendship, it's sticky.
"Basically," I told Lauren, "I didn't feel good when this friend called me.
I ALWAYS felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard from her.
It was ALWAYS a big 'ole ''Should' to return her call and I ALWAYS dreaded getting together because I didn't enjoy it when we did.
This friendship was an energy drain. Not a pleasant pick-me-up. So I ended it."
"Wow," Lauren said. "I'm thinking of two friends I need to divorce...but I don't know how."
Breaking off a friendship is not easy...but here are 3 ideas:
1. Don't Be As Available
If you don't want a complete "split" with your "friend," but you don't want to see them as often, simply be busy.
You're not as available. Your time is limited. And other than "you're busy"...you owe no excuses.
Often we have to see our "friends" (or our ex's) because of school or work or attending the same church or living in the same neighborhood.
The easiest thing to do is to back-off. Don't be as available.
2. Don't Have a "Conversation" About It
If you're divorcing your friend because you don't want to be friends, there's nothing to say.
To say, "I don't want to be friends anymore because I don't like you" is hurtful.
To say, "I don't want to be friends because I don't like the way you do things" you risk their response being, "I'll change. I'll do it your way".
Then you're screwed.
And you're building.
To have a "conversation" about why you can't be friends is counter productive. It simply doesn't work.
3. Don't Respond
This is a tough one. You feel like an ass.
I didn't respond to my "ex-friend" for 6 months before she got the message. And it was tough!
When she sent me a holiday card, I almost broke down and called. But in calling, I knew nothing would have changed and I would have to start the break-up all over again...later. So I didn't.
Albert Ellis, a famous American psychologist says, "People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection."
So true.
It's not easy to divorce your friends. But it can be easier than having to deal with them.
Monday, March 10, 2008
How Falling in Love is Like Having a New Puppy
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
The night before Valentine's Day, my husband, Lorenzo, walked up the stairs carrying a small bundle of fur.
Looking up from my computer, I asked, "What's that? Is it stuffed? Is it alive?"
Lorenzo set the "fluff ball" on the floor. It barely moved. I couldn't see his eyes for all the hair.
But I knew. It's a dog.
(OMG!)
I could not believe Lorenzo did that. I could not believe he bought us a new puppy!
(Talk about taking a risk!)
But within the first week, I realized having a new puppy is very much like falling in love.
1. It's Unexpected
Just like talking about falling in love, you never really expect it when it happens. Falling in love is what you'll do someday. When you meet the right person. When you have all your affairs in order. Or after the next trip...
Then you meet him and all your plans go out the window.
I couldn't speak when Lorenzo bought me a dog. We had talked about getting a dog.
Someday.
But here it was. Live. Real. In-person.
Meeting Biscuit wasn't a WOW moment like..."Oh WOW! I'm so excited!" And I'm running around screaming, "Oh WOW!" It was more like, "Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Hell. Oh. Wow."
This is OUR dog.
This is it.
This is what "Love" is?
Oh. Wow.
2. It's Obnoxious
Like a couple kissing and fondling each other in public, not caring who's watching because they're sooooo in love...having a new puppy is just as down right obnoxious.
I've never been one of those "dog people". They're so obnoxious about their animals.
Until now.
Now, I'm an obnoxious "dog person".
And I don't care who sees it.
I want to show "my love" to everyone.
Oh, how happy we are! Isn't he cute? I share stories of our meeting with strangers. (Happy sigh.)
It's obnoxious. It's really. Really. Obnoxious.
3. It's Terrifying
In the beginning, "Love" is so fabulous. It's so new. It's so exciting!
And then you realize you have to live in real life. And "Love" has needs. But you don't know what they are, because you've just met.
You don't know each other at all. You don't know what he's thinking.
And that's when the terror hits.
And just like falling in love, you realize no matter how much you think you're prepared, you're not.
I've entertained the notion of having a dog. I like the idea of a loyal companion accompanying me on my walks. I like the idea of something cute looking up at me. I like the IDEA of having a dog.
But the reality is I know NOTHING about raising a puppy. I have no idea how to take care of it! What if I screw it up?
What if I kill it?
I told Lorenzo he couldn't go back to work until the puppy was an adult. He couldn't leave me alone with Biscuit!
It was terrifying.
(Lorenzo did leave me alone with Biscuit. I'm fine now.) (In case you were wondering.)
4. It's Difficult to Say "NO"
Just like saying "NO" to having sex too soon, it was just as difficult to say "NO" to Biscuit when he wanted to jump on the sofa.
I really, really wanted him to come to me. It would be great to cuddle with him on the sofa, but it was our second day. I had to say "NO".
Jumping on furniture is not a habit I want to encourage.
Friends couldn't belive my willpower. Most of them said, "You'll give in. You can't resist. You'll have to have him with you on your sofa."
But I knew if I let him have his way from the beginning, I'd pay for it in the long-run. I knew he wouldn't respect me.
I knew he'd walk all over me. Spoiled.
And I knew that once I said "YES" it would be very, very difficult to say "NO" again. If ever.
(Okay, I admit...I've let him up a few times, but...not EVERY time!:))
5. It's Work, but It's So Worth It
Like a romantic relationship, having a new puppy is a lot of work.
You have to tend it. It takes time. You have another responsibility in your life. With someone who has their own ideas and opinions about things.
But you're committed. And it's a priority.
With Biscuit, we bathe him, feed him, walk him, poo him, brush him, medicate him and take him to the vet.
And like a typical man, Biscuit is always in our business. He wants to be a part of Everything!
And I love it.
He's so joyful. And playful. And adorable. (Everyone thinks so!)
He's so good. (Everyone says so!)
And soooo sweet. (Everyone loves him!)
(I warned you..."It's Obnoxious!")
And I'm such a Proud Mama. (I've Never heard myself say that before!)
And although I've never experienced childbirth, I imagine holding a new baby must evoked similar sentiments.
Falling in Love...is So Worth It!
Here's to the "Loves" in Your Life!
The night before Valentine's Day, my husband, Lorenzo, walked up the stairs carrying a small bundle of fur.
Looking up from my computer, I asked, "What's that? Is it stuffed? Is it alive?"
Lorenzo set the "fluff ball" on the floor. It barely moved. I couldn't see his eyes for all the hair.
But I knew. It's a dog.
(OMG!)
I could not believe Lorenzo did that. I could not believe he bought us a new puppy!
(Talk about taking a risk!)
But within the first week, I realized having a new puppy is very much like falling in love.
1. It's Unexpected
Just like talking about falling in love, you never really expect it when it happens. Falling in love is what you'll do someday. When you meet the right person. When you have all your affairs in order. Or after the next trip...
Then you meet him and all your plans go out the window.
I couldn't speak when Lorenzo bought me a dog. We had talked about getting a dog.
Someday.
But here it was. Live. Real. In-person.
Meeting Biscuit wasn't a WOW moment like..."Oh WOW! I'm so excited!" And I'm running around screaming, "Oh WOW!" It was more like, "Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Hell. Oh. Wow."
This is OUR dog.
This is it.
This is what "Love" is?
Oh. Wow.
2. It's Obnoxious
Like a couple kissing and fondling each other in public, not caring who's watching because they're sooooo in love...having a new puppy is just as down right obnoxious.
I've never been one of those "dog people". They're so obnoxious about their animals.
Until now.
Now, I'm an obnoxious "dog person".
And I don't care who sees it.
I want to show "my love" to everyone.
Oh, how happy we are! Isn't he cute? I share stories of our meeting with strangers. (Happy sigh.)
It's obnoxious. It's really. Really. Obnoxious.
3. It's Terrifying
In the beginning, "Love" is so fabulous. It's so new. It's so exciting!
And then you realize you have to live in real life. And "Love" has needs. But you don't know what they are, because you've just met.
You don't know each other at all. You don't know what he's thinking.
And that's when the terror hits.
And just like falling in love, you realize no matter how much you think you're prepared, you're not.
I've entertained the notion of having a dog. I like the idea of a loyal companion accompanying me on my walks. I like the idea of something cute looking up at me. I like the IDEA of having a dog.
But the reality is I know NOTHING about raising a puppy. I have no idea how to take care of it! What if I screw it up?
What if I kill it?
I told Lorenzo he couldn't go back to work until the puppy was an adult. He couldn't leave me alone with Biscuit!
It was terrifying.
(Lorenzo did leave me alone with Biscuit. I'm fine now.) (In case you were wondering.)
4. It's Difficult to Say "NO"
Just like saying "NO" to having sex too soon, it was just as difficult to say "NO" to Biscuit when he wanted to jump on the sofa.
I really, really wanted him to come to me. It would be great to cuddle with him on the sofa, but it was our second day. I had to say "NO".
Jumping on furniture is not a habit I want to encourage.
Friends couldn't belive my willpower. Most of them said, "You'll give in. You can't resist. You'll have to have him with you on your sofa."
But I knew if I let him have his way from the beginning, I'd pay for it in the long-run. I knew he wouldn't respect me.
I knew he'd walk all over me. Spoiled.
And I knew that once I said "YES" it would be very, very difficult to say "NO" again. If ever.
(Okay, I admit...I've let him up a few times, but...not EVERY time!:))
5. It's Work, but It's So Worth It
Like a romantic relationship, having a new puppy is a lot of work.
You have to tend it. It takes time. You have another responsibility in your life. With someone who has their own ideas and opinions about things.
But you're committed. And it's a priority.
With Biscuit, we bathe him, feed him, walk him, poo him, brush him, medicate him and take him to the vet.
And like a typical man, Biscuit is always in our business. He wants to be a part of Everything!
And I love it.
He's so joyful. And playful. And adorable. (Everyone thinks so!)
He's so good. (Everyone says so!)
And soooo sweet. (Everyone loves him!)
(I warned you..."It's Obnoxious!")
And I'm such a Proud Mama. (I've Never heard myself say that before!)
And although I've never experienced childbirth, I imagine holding a new baby must evoked similar sentiments.
Falling in Love...is So Worth It!
Here's to the "Loves" in Your Life!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
How to "Date" Your Business Associates
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
As a Dating and Relationship Coach, I always advise my single clients to date more than one person at the same time until they're in a committed relationship.
This is a "no-brainer" for my male clients! Men, by nature are built to be polygamous...meaning it's natural for them to have more than one woman.
Not so for women.
By nature, women tend to go "prematurely monogamous". We get "glued" to a guy (especially if we have sex) before a commitment.
So as yucky as it is, it's important for a woman to have the skill set to go against her natural biological tendencies and date more than one man simultaneously in order to find a mate.
But "dating" isn't just for romance...
Recently I hired a new VA (virtual assistant). A virtual assistant is someone who has their own office space and works for clients "virtually" on-line and on the phone.
During the interview process I realized I was "Dating" my candidates.
And I realized this skill set comes in VERY handy for business.
1. Always Interview at Least THREE Candidates Before You Hire Someone (or Take a Job)
In my romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, the heroine dates three men at the same time in order to find a mate. With one, she's over-focused; two is an either/or; only with three can she keep prospective and build her relationship skills.
The same is true in business.
It's best to have at least three candidates to choose from before hiring someone. Or three companies to interview. Gives you more options. And better prospective.
2. Have at Least THREE Interviews Before Making a Decision
Nobody's normal in their first meeting...whether it's a date or a business deal. Everybody's nervous. Everybody's weird. Everybody's trying to impress.
And even though you may feel initial chemistry with someone, it could take at least three meetings for the "real person" to show up.
First impressions (although significant) aren't as important as the second and third ones.
One of my VA candidates made a GREAT first impression. Our first conversation was fantastic! I got off the phone ready to hire her. And if I had, it would have been a tremendous mistake. As great as our first meeting was, she didn't have the qualifications I needed. I didn't discover this until our third conversation.
On the other hand, my first meeting with my new VA, Geri, was frustrating. Her phone was on the blink and kept cutting in and out as we were speaking. I missed much of what she said! But by conversation two and three, she proved to be exactly what I was looking for.
3. Let 'Em Present What They Can Bring to the Table Before You Make a Commitment
A woman needs to see what a man can offer her before making a commitment.
A man needs to see how receptive a woman is to what he has to offer before making a commitment.
And in business, a person needs to see what the candidate can offer to the company (or what the company can offer) in order to make a good decision.
It's important to ask questions, but it's REALLY important to LISTEN!
What is the person or situation really offering? How does that work for you? What kind of relationship do you want? And does that person satisfy your needs or compliment your situation?
4. Prioritize Your List and Shift Status As You Go
Rank your dates and top business candidates as One, Two and Three. Then give it time to see how they shift.
If a guy doesn't call a girl, she'll forget about him and he'll drop down the list.
If a woman isn't available for a man, he'll move on to numbers two and three.
If a business associate doesn't have the chops or isn't punctual, he'll eliminate himself and the qualified candidates will emerge.
This can take time.
In my first interviews with my five VA candidates, they ranked similar. All of them had nice personalities and excellent administrative skills.
So I upped my ante.
I decided to hire a VA who had marketing experience as well. And that's where they started to differentiate. I was fortunate to hire a VA that was best suited to my needs.
So whether you're meeting someone for romance or for a business deal...always "Date" more than one! :)
As a Dating and Relationship Coach, I always advise my single clients to date more than one person at the same time until they're in a committed relationship.
This is a "no-brainer" for my male clients! Men, by nature are built to be polygamous...meaning it's natural for them to have more than one woman.
Not so for women.
By nature, women tend to go "prematurely monogamous". We get "glued" to a guy (especially if we have sex) before a commitment.
So as yucky as it is, it's important for a woman to have the skill set to go against her natural biological tendencies and date more than one man simultaneously in order to find a mate.
But "dating" isn't just for romance...
Recently I hired a new VA (virtual assistant). A virtual assistant is someone who has their own office space and works for clients "virtually" on-line and on the phone.
During the interview process I realized I was "Dating" my candidates.
And I realized this skill set comes in VERY handy for business.
1. Always Interview at Least THREE Candidates Before You Hire Someone (or Take a Job)
In my romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, the heroine dates three men at the same time in order to find a mate. With one, she's over-focused; two is an either/or; only with three can she keep prospective and build her relationship skills.
The same is true in business.
It's best to have at least three candidates to choose from before hiring someone. Or three companies to interview. Gives you more options. And better prospective.
2. Have at Least THREE Interviews Before Making a Decision
Nobody's normal in their first meeting...whether it's a date or a business deal. Everybody's nervous. Everybody's weird. Everybody's trying to impress.
And even though you may feel initial chemistry with someone, it could take at least three meetings for the "real person" to show up.
First impressions (although significant) aren't as important as the second and third ones.
One of my VA candidates made a GREAT first impression. Our first conversation was fantastic! I got off the phone ready to hire her. And if I had, it would have been a tremendous mistake. As great as our first meeting was, she didn't have the qualifications I needed. I didn't discover this until our third conversation.
On the other hand, my first meeting with my new VA, Geri, was frustrating. Her phone was on the blink and kept cutting in and out as we were speaking. I missed much of what she said! But by conversation two and three, she proved to be exactly what I was looking for.
3. Let 'Em Present What They Can Bring to the Table Before You Make a Commitment
A woman needs to see what a man can offer her before making a commitment.
A man needs to see how receptive a woman is to what he has to offer before making a commitment.
And in business, a person needs to see what the candidate can offer to the company (or what the company can offer) in order to make a good decision.
It's important to ask questions, but it's REALLY important to LISTEN!
What is the person or situation really offering? How does that work for you? What kind of relationship do you want? And does that person satisfy your needs or compliment your situation?
4. Prioritize Your List and Shift Status As You Go
Rank your dates and top business candidates as One, Two and Three. Then give it time to see how they shift.
If a guy doesn't call a girl, she'll forget about him and he'll drop down the list.
If a woman isn't available for a man, he'll move on to numbers two and three.
If a business associate doesn't have the chops or isn't punctual, he'll eliminate himself and the qualified candidates will emerge.
This can take time.
In my first interviews with my five VA candidates, they ranked similar. All of them had nice personalities and excellent administrative skills.
So I upped my ante.
I decided to hire a VA who had marketing experience as well. And that's where they started to differentiate. I was fortunate to hire a VA that was best suited to my needs.
So whether you're meeting someone for romance or for a business deal...always "Date" more than one! :)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
To Risk or Not To Risk?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
This is a BIG question.
Should I enter this relationship? Should I marry this man? Should I take a new job? Should I move to a different city?
What if I fail? What if I look stupid? What if I loose money? What if I can't survive? (If you're asking this question, it's probably best NOT to take the risk!)
One of the biggest risks I ever took was marrying Lorenzo. I'd already had ONE failed marriage. What if I had another one? What if he were using me as an entrance fee into the US of A?
All these doubts. All these questions.
So was getting married worth the risk?
Yes.
So far.
Being in a romantic relationship with Lorenzo has taken me to much deeper levels of myself. To my greatest joys and my deepest fears.
And it's definitely been worth it.
So how do you determine whether to risk or not to risk?
1. To "Ben Franklin"? Or "Dip-Stick"?
My father always said, "If you have a decision to make, do like Ben Franklin...draw a line down the center of the page. On one side list all the advantages. On the other side list the disadvantages. Then see what you've got.
"Ben Franklin" is a Masculine approach to decision making. The Masculine thinks about the risk and the consequences of the choice then makes a logical, intelligent decision.
The Feminine approach is to "Dip-Stick".
When I was deciding whether or not to marry Lorenzo, Dr. Pat Allen suggested I "dip-stick" my feelings.
If I felt like being married to Lorenzo, I'd put a mark under "Yes". If I didn't, I'd mark "No".
After a week (or two) the "Yes" side won. So we got married. (I bet you thought there was more to it. Non?)
So ladies, draw a line down the page and instead of "advantages" and "disadvantages", write YES or NO. Then check in with your feelings several times a day for a week or so.
Even if both sides start out equally, one side will eventually win over the other.
And the "crazy making" rumination between your head and heart (think, feel, think, feel, think, feel...) will stop.
2. Can You Afford the Price Tag?
If taking the risk didn't work out, would you survive it?
If you lost your investment, your partner or the job, would the experience be worth it? (I'm not talking about just dollars and cents.)
Would the actual experience be worth it? Would you become a "better" person? Could you learn something valuable? Can you afford the loss of NOT doing it?
When you look back on your life, is this a worthy investment of your money, time, energy or life experience?
If the answer is "Yes", do it.
I thought DUTY DATING would lead me to my next film project. It didn't.
But DUTY DATING did lead me to my husband.
And being the "Dating Director". And meeting many of you. And the opportunity of creating another career outside the (brutal) film industry.
I learned A LOT writing, directing and producing a feature film. The experience was invaluable. I would never trade it.
And DUTY DATING was completed and distributed internationally. (Even my in-laws saw it on Italian TV:))
3. What's Your Plan B?
I understand many "risk takers" have no Plan B. They say it's because there is simply NO alternative. Fine. If you gotta have it, you gotta have it, so by all means, go for it. Godspeed.
But for some of us, when unexpectedly Life Happens, it's nice to have Plan B. If something doesn't work out the way you want, there's something to fall back on. Even if the "fall back" isn't exactly your dream.
When I made the decision to move to LA, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After all, I was raised in a small Tennessee town. (A BIG city for me was Knoxville.)
But I knew if I fell flat on my butt...if I lost everything I had...and ended up broke on the street, I could ALWAYS go home. Back to Kingsport, Tennessee. My parents would take me in. It wasn't my ideal choice (not theirs either). But at least I had a safety net.
And that's a big comfort. It gives me freedom to take risks.
So I advise having Plan B. Not that you'd ever use it. But knowing it's there can offer you alternatives. And peace of mind.
Here's to the Risk Taker in You!
This is a BIG question.
Should I enter this relationship? Should I marry this man? Should I take a new job? Should I move to a different city?
What if I fail? What if I look stupid? What if I loose money? What if I can't survive? (If you're asking this question, it's probably best NOT to take the risk!)
One of the biggest risks I ever took was marrying Lorenzo. I'd already had ONE failed marriage. What if I had another one? What if he were using me as an entrance fee into the US of A?
All these doubts. All these questions.
So was getting married worth the risk?
Yes.
So far.
Being in a romantic relationship with Lorenzo has taken me to much deeper levels of myself. To my greatest joys and my deepest fears.
And it's definitely been worth it.
So how do you determine whether to risk or not to risk?
1. To "Ben Franklin"? Or "Dip-Stick"?
My father always said, "If you have a decision to make, do like Ben Franklin...draw a line down the center of the page. On one side list all the advantages. On the other side list the disadvantages. Then see what you've got.
"Ben Franklin" is a Masculine approach to decision making. The Masculine thinks about the risk and the consequences of the choice then makes a logical, intelligent decision.
The Feminine approach is to "Dip-Stick".
When I was deciding whether or not to marry Lorenzo, Dr. Pat Allen suggested I "dip-stick" my feelings.
If I felt like being married to Lorenzo, I'd put a mark under "Yes". If I didn't, I'd mark "No".
After a week (or two) the "Yes" side won. So we got married. (I bet you thought there was more to it. Non?)
So ladies, draw a line down the page and instead of "advantages" and "disadvantages", write YES or NO. Then check in with your feelings several times a day for a week or so.
Even if both sides start out equally, one side will eventually win over the other.
And the "crazy making" rumination between your head and heart (think, feel, think, feel, think, feel...) will stop.
2. Can You Afford the Price Tag?
If taking the risk didn't work out, would you survive it?
If you lost your investment, your partner or the job, would the experience be worth it? (I'm not talking about just dollars and cents.)
Would the actual experience be worth it? Would you become a "better" person? Could you learn something valuable? Can you afford the loss of NOT doing it?
When you look back on your life, is this a worthy investment of your money, time, energy or life experience?
If the answer is "Yes", do it.
I thought DUTY DATING would lead me to my next film project. It didn't.
But DUTY DATING did lead me to my husband.
And being the "Dating Director". And meeting many of you. And the opportunity of creating another career outside the (brutal) film industry.
I learned A LOT writing, directing and producing a feature film. The experience was invaluable. I would never trade it.
And DUTY DATING was completed and distributed internationally. (Even my in-laws saw it on Italian TV:))
3. What's Your Plan B?
I understand many "risk takers" have no Plan B. They say it's because there is simply NO alternative. Fine. If you gotta have it, you gotta have it, so by all means, go for it. Godspeed.
But for some of us, when unexpectedly Life Happens, it's nice to have Plan B. If something doesn't work out the way you want, there's something to fall back on. Even if the "fall back" isn't exactly your dream.
When I made the decision to move to LA, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After all, I was raised in a small Tennessee town. (A BIG city for me was Knoxville.)
But I knew if I fell flat on my butt...if I lost everything I had...and ended up broke on the street, I could ALWAYS go home. Back to Kingsport, Tennessee. My parents would take me in. It wasn't my ideal choice (not theirs either). But at least I had a safety net.
And that's a big comfort. It gives me freedom to take risks.
So I advise having Plan B. Not that you'd ever use it. But knowing it's there can offer you alternatives. And peace of mind.
Here's to the Risk Taker in You!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
3 Styles of Relationships: Which One is Right For You?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
A year after Lorenzo and I were married, we had a difficult time. No matter how much we loved each other, it seemed we were constantly fighting.
We couldn't agree on anything.
Not only were we challenged with the obvious...he's a man and I'm a woman...we had the added complication of Lorenzo being French/Italian and my being American. (Let's just say...I'm not fluent in French or Italian. And his English was "basic".)
I thought we were just having "communication problems". Wrong.
According to Dr. Pat Allen, we were in two completely different styles of relationships.
You might say I was in a "romantic comedy" and Lorenzo was in a "romantic tragedy". (French/Italians can be soooo dramatic!)
No wonder we weren't getting along!
We weren't even on the same stage! We were "acting" in two very different shows.
Understanding our Style of Relationship saved our marriage!
It's my bet that many couples would stay together longer if they understood they weren't in the same relationship style as each other...AND knew what to do about it!
So what Relationship Style do you prefer? And are you in the same style as your partner?
You have three choices.*
* You can change your relationship styles with days of the week (or hours in a day). The secret is to be in the SAME RELATIONSHIP at the SAME TIME as your partner.
BTW...These Styles of Relationships apply in ALL romantic relationships...Straight, Gay or Lesbian.
1. The Buddy Film
This is a relationship of equality. Both partners share 50/50 percent of the responsibility.
Both partners contribute financially. Both partners contribute to the homemaking.
Both partners want to be respected for their thinking and cherished for their feelings.
Both partners can lead. Both partners can follow. Just not at the same time.
This style of relationship works very well with dual income families, couples without children and couples who have children who have grown and gone. (It also seems to be the preferred style of the "younger generation".)
The secret to keeping romantic intimacy in a "Buddy Film" is to "cross-talk" with your partner.
When one partner wants to be respected for his or her thinking, he/she must ask how their partner feels about it.
The same is true when one partner wants to share feelings. It's best if he/she asks what their partner thinks.
If you tell your partner what you think then ask what he/she thinks...you're striking a business deal.
Sharing feelings to feelings is a friendship.
(Not saying you can't have "business deals" and "friendships" inside of a romantic relationship...there are appropriate moments for sure...just be aware!)
2. Romantic Tragedy
This is the most passionate Style of Relationship. By far the most dramatic.
And it can be a lot of fun.
Until your body gives out and your emotions are crazed.
And you could die.
Seriously. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
A Romantic Tragedy is your classic "co-dependent" relationship. It's often known as "Master/Slave".
It's a relationship style where one partner is respected for his/her thoughts AND feelings. And the other partner gets no vote.
Then the roles change.
"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you."
You come, you go, you come, you go.
Well...You get the idea.
3. Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy is the most intimate Style of Relationship.
It's also the most clumsy.
You're more likely to stumble over your partner's toes.
A Romantic Comedy is like a waltz. It's a relationship with one designated leader and one designated follower.
In DUTY DATING, I used the example of one designated driver and one designated passenger.
The driver of the relationship is respected for his/her thoughts.
The passenger is cherished for her/his feelings.
The driver makes the plan. The passenger expresses how she/he feels about it.*
* The power of the passenger is the "Veto" vote. When anything doesn't feel good or is illegal, immoral or unethical, the passenger can say "NO WAY".
REMEMBER: If you have two drivers in a relationship, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere.
So you gotta decide.
Which Style of Relationship is Right For You?
A year after Lorenzo and I were married, we had a difficult time. No matter how much we loved each other, it seemed we were constantly fighting.
We couldn't agree on anything.
Not only were we challenged with the obvious...he's a man and I'm a woman...we had the added complication of Lorenzo being French/Italian and my being American. (Let's just say...I'm not fluent in French or Italian. And his English was "basic".)
I thought we were just having "communication problems". Wrong.
According to Dr. Pat Allen, we were in two completely different styles of relationships.
You might say I was in a "romantic comedy" and Lorenzo was in a "romantic tragedy". (French/Italians can be soooo dramatic!)
No wonder we weren't getting along!
We weren't even on the same stage! We were "acting" in two very different shows.
Understanding our Style of Relationship saved our marriage!
It's my bet that many couples would stay together longer if they understood they weren't in the same relationship style as each other...AND knew what to do about it!
So what Relationship Style do you prefer? And are you in the same style as your partner?
You have three choices.*
* You can change your relationship styles with days of the week (or hours in a day). The secret is to be in the SAME RELATIONSHIP at the SAME TIME as your partner.
BTW...These Styles of Relationships apply in ALL romantic relationships...Straight, Gay or Lesbian.
1. The Buddy Film
This is a relationship of equality. Both partners share 50/50 percent of the responsibility.
Both partners contribute financially. Both partners contribute to the homemaking.
Both partners want to be respected for their thinking and cherished for their feelings.
Both partners can lead. Both partners can follow. Just not at the same time.
This style of relationship works very well with dual income families, couples without children and couples who have children who have grown and gone. (It also seems to be the preferred style of the "younger generation".)
The secret to keeping romantic intimacy in a "Buddy Film" is to "cross-talk" with your partner.
When one partner wants to be respected for his or her thinking, he/she must ask how their partner feels about it.
The same is true when one partner wants to share feelings. It's best if he/she asks what their partner thinks.
If you tell your partner what you think then ask what he/she thinks...you're striking a business deal.
Sharing feelings to feelings is a friendship.
(Not saying you can't have "business deals" and "friendships" inside of a romantic relationship...there are appropriate moments for sure...just be aware!)
2. Romantic Tragedy
This is the most passionate Style of Relationship. By far the most dramatic.
And it can be a lot of fun.
Until your body gives out and your emotions are crazed.
And you could die.
Seriously. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
A Romantic Tragedy is your classic "co-dependent" relationship. It's often known as "Master/Slave".
It's a relationship style where one partner is respected for his/her thoughts AND feelings. And the other partner gets no vote.
Then the roles change.
"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you."
You come, you go, you come, you go.
Well...You get the idea.
3. Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy is the most intimate Style of Relationship.
It's also the most clumsy.
You're more likely to stumble over your partner's toes.
A Romantic Comedy is like a waltz. It's a relationship with one designated leader and one designated follower.
In DUTY DATING, I used the example of one designated driver and one designated passenger.
The driver of the relationship is respected for his/her thoughts.
The passenger is cherished for her/his feelings.
The driver makes the plan. The passenger expresses how she/he feels about it.*
* The power of the passenger is the "Veto" vote. When anything doesn't feel good or is illegal, immoral or unethical, the passenger can say "NO WAY".
REMEMBER: If you have two drivers in a relationship, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere.
So you gotta decide.
Which Style of Relationship is Right For You?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
7 Essential Habits for Loving Your Life
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last summer I received an e-mail from my cousin titled, "5 Essential Habits to Protect Your Most Essential Commodity...YOU." (The author wasn't mentioned, although they referenced the Girl Scouts.)
At the time, I was "releasing a toleration" in my life and this article hit home. It validated my decision to end a long-term friendship that was no longer working.
Although I've embellished the article (and added 2 habits of my own) the premise of this message is clear...YOU are your most valuable commodity. You need to invest in it and protect it.
And be in the habit of Loving Your Life.
1. Take Care of YOU First.
Always. No matter what. No excuses.
If you do something for someone else without taking care of yourself first, you'll resent it. And you'll end up punishing yourself.
Workout. Eat well. Relax. Take care of your body. Take time out. Keep away from toxic people and toxic situations. If you don't feel good, you aren't good...for anybody. Most importantly...for yourself.
REMEMBER: The Feminine mantra is: "I FEEL Good to DO good."
Masculine is the opposite: "I DO Good to FEEL Good."
2. Don't Do Everything Alone.
It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's usually not worth it.
And it's impossible.
Ask for help. Find support. Delegate. Or simply don't do it.
If you're overworked and overwhelmed, you're not good for anybody...most importantly...yourself. (Sound familiar?)
(Good. You're gettin' it!)
3. Learn to Say "NO".
I can NEVER say this enough! The power of the feminine comes from saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, illegal or unethical.
It is also saying "NO" to anything that doesn't FEEL good.
"No. I don't feel like working this hard."
"No. I don't feel like picking up after Your mess."
"No. I don't want to go out because I feel tired."
I don't know why saying "NO" is soooooo hard for many of us. But saying "NO" can often support the greater good of "yes".
Saying "NO" to other people's requests helps us achieve our more important goals...specifically taking care of ourselves.
Believe me. It's okay. You will still be loved when you say "NO" because you simply can't (or won't) do it all.
4. Prioritize.
Know what's important. And more importantly...what's NOT.
If it doesn't fit with your passion, values and goals, don't do it.
No matter what.
Someone else will do it (if it really needs to be done) and everything will be just fine. I promise.
5. Accept. Reject. But NEVER TOLERATE.
Accept a person or a situation for who or what it is. Or walk away from it.
NEVER tolerate a person or situation. NEVER. Toleration will hurt you. It will destroy the relationship anyway. And it can make you sick.
Tolerations are the things that you "put up" with. Incomplete decisions. Negative people. Broken agreements. Petty annoyances. Irritants.
Basically, everything that gets on your nerves is toleration.
Get rid of your tolerations. Or make a plan to accept them.
6. Go Where You're Wanted
People who need people are lucky people.
People who want people who don't want them are unworthy people.
Stay away from people and places where you don't feel wanted. Or appreciated. Or acknowledged.
Life is so much easier when you put yourself with people and in situations where you're wanted.
People who like you and want you will make you feel good. Go with them. Godspeed.
7. Talk Less. Listen More.
(This is a really hard one.) But talking is exhausting.
It's easier to listen. You don't work so hard. And you learn things.
When you listen you can see the person for who he is. You can see what he has to offer. You can see what he doesn't.
Masculine men appreciate women who listen...so listen up, girls! Show him respect by appreciating his ideas and what he gives you.
Your rewards will be enormous.
In more ways than you can imagine.
Believe me.:)
Last summer I received an e-mail from my cousin titled, "5 Essential Habits to Protect Your Most Essential Commodity...YOU." (The author wasn't mentioned, although they referenced the Girl Scouts.)
At the time, I was "releasing a toleration" in my life and this article hit home. It validated my decision to end a long-term friendship that was no longer working.
Although I've embellished the article (and added 2 habits of my own) the premise of this message is clear...YOU are your most valuable commodity. You need to invest in it and protect it.
And be in the habit of Loving Your Life.
1. Take Care of YOU First.
Always. No matter what. No excuses.
If you do something for someone else without taking care of yourself first, you'll resent it. And you'll end up punishing yourself.
Workout. Eat well. Relax. Take care of your body. Take time out. Keep away from toxic people and toxic situations. If you don't feel good, you aren't good...for anybody. Most importantly...for yourself.
REMEMBER: The Feminine mantra is: "I FEEL Good to DO good."
Masculine is the opposite: "I DO Good to FEEL Good."
2. Don't Do Everything Alone.
It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's usually not worth it.
And it's impossible.
Ask for help. Find support. Delegate. Or simply don't do it.
If you're overworked and overwhelmed, you're not good for anybody...most importantly...yourself. (Sound familiar?)
(Good. You're gettin' it!)
3. Learn to Say "NO".
I can NEVER say this enough! The power of the feminine comes from saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, illegal or unethical.
It is also saying "NO" to anything that doesn't FEEL good.
"No. I don't feel like working this hard."
"No. I don't feel like picking up after Your mess."
"No. I don't want to go out because I feel tired."
I don't know why saying "NO" is soooooo hard for many of us. But saying "NO" can often support the greater good of "yes".
Saying "NO" to other people's requests helps us achieve our more important goals...specifically taking care of ourselves.
Believe me. It's okay. You will still be loved when you say "NO" because you simply can't (or won't) do it all.
4. Prioritize.
Know what's important. And more importantly...what's NOT.
If it doesn't fit with your passion, values and goals, don't do it.
No matter what.
Someone else will do it (if it really needs to be done) and everything will be just fine. I promise.
5. Accept. Reject. But NEVER TOLERATE.
Accept a person or a situation for who or what it is. Or walk away from it.
NEVER tolerate a person or situation. NEVER. Toleration will hurt you. It will destroy the relationship anyway. And it can make you sick.
Tolerations are the things that you "put up" with. Incomplete decisions. Negative people. Broken agreements. Petty annoyances. Irritants.
Basically, everything that gets on your nerves is toleration.
Get rid of your tolerations. Or make a plan to accept them.
6. Go Where You're Wanted
People who need people are lucky people.
People who want people who don't want them are unworthy people.
Stay away from people and places where you don't feel wanted. Or appreciated. Or acknowledged.
Life is so much easier when you put yourself with people and in situations where you're wanted.
People who like you and want you will make you feel good. Go with them. Godspeed.
7. Talk Less. Listen More.
(This is a really hard one.) But talking is exhausting.
It's easier to listen. You don't work so hard. And you learn things.
When you listen you can see the person for who he is. You can see what he has to offer. You can see what he doesn't.
Masculine men appreciate women who listen...so listen up, girls! Show him respect by appreciating his ideas and what he gives you.
Your rewards will be enormous.
In more ways than you can imagine.
Believe me.:)
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