by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Before every audition, an actor prepares.
Before meeting with an agent or a director, he submits a headshot and resume.
Before the meeting, the agent/director will determine if the actor will be called in...or end up in the trash.
The same is true in dating.
The headshot and resume on your dating profile make your first impression. Often it determines if someone will meet you or delete you.
On-line dating resumes publicize what you want to attract, but most people don't know how to market effectively.
Even if you're not auditioning on-line, a dating resume gives you a chance to uniquely define your role and what you're looking for.
Five directions to keep in mind when scripting your dating profile:
1. DO Have a Fantastic Headshot
The Wall Street Journal reported that 30% of people dating on-line don't post photos! Without a photo, you have the least likely chance of meeting someone.
Take a good professional photo and use it!
DO NOT use a dark photo with your friends (or your ex) at some party where you look like you've had a few too many and there's a palm tree growing out of your head!
2. DO Create Your Own Character
Use Vivid, Bold descriptions! Make every word count.
Marketing your long slender legs, milky skin, deep sea-green eyes and million dollar smile gets attention.
Creating a character separates you from the masses!
3. DON'T List All the Qualifications For Your Co-Star
Telling us your mate must be gorgeous, intelligent, wealthy, sexy, healthy, romantic, sensitive, spiritual, charismatic, well-mannered, potty trained, and a non-smoker is waaayyy too much!
Limit yourself to three NON-NEGOTIABLES that are definable, attainable and communicable.
4. DON'T Lead With Your Worst Lines
Letting us know that your ex is an alcholic or you've only dated self-absorbed jerks in the past so you don't want any more of "those people" responding isn't your best introduction.
Please...save it for later...much later...if at all!
(This seems obvious, but you wouldn't believe the number of resumes I've read with this kind of info!)
5. DO Proof Your Profile
Read your resume for spelling and grammer. Expecially if you want to be takin serriously! :-)
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
How to Direct Your Life
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last summer, I re-directed my life.
After my husband and I moved to Marina del Rey, I took time off from work to percolate. I attended Interior Design School. I did home projects...decorating, cooking, entertaining. (I painted most of the walls in our house and became quite a little handy woman in the process...FYI :))
Finally, wanting to feel more productive, I decided to get my masters degree in psychology and enrolled at Antioch University.
Then I read a book called "The Four Hour Work Week" by Timothy Ferris and my life changed.
Ferris has a system on how to prioritize your life. (I am really going to paraphrase here. Ferris' description is much more detailed than what I'm sharing with you.)
But, in general, this is a simple exercise with very big impact. You can use this exercise to direct your life...anyway you want. Forever!
1. List Everything You Want to Be, Have and Do
Everything. Everything you think is important or want to do in this life, write it down. Even things you don't think are possible, but you'd like to have or be or experience. Put them all down on paper.
This will take some time. At first great things start coming to you, like traveling around the world; owning your own yacht; speaking Japanese fluently; having a fabulous romantic relationship, etc.
Then you'll ponder and mull in your sleep. You'll think of more. It's all good. Write it down.
And once you think your list is complete...
2. Edit Your List to the Top FOUR Priorities
This is a little tougher. You really have to think about what's important. What do you really want to be? What do you really want to have? What do you really want to spend your time doing?
(That's what this exercise is really about. How you really want to spend your time in life.)
I edited my list: Get a masters in psychology. Complete design school. Visit family. Redo the bathroom.
I looked at my list. I didn't feel excited.
These were all good things. Seeing family. Learning. Building.
These were things I could do or should do...but they didn't inspire or motivate me to want to do.
3. Each Priority MUST Inspire & Motivate You!
You must really get excited and charged when you think about these four things! They must make you want to get up in the morning! They must stimulate your energy and creativity!
My list bored the hell out of me.
So I threw it out and started over.
I listed things I really wanted to do in life. Despite what anyone thought. Despite the "shoulds" in my head.
I wrote: Go to water ski camp. Paint the bedroom. Vacation with my husband on a tropical island. Write an on-line newsletter. Speak French fluently. Italian, too. Visit South America.
Then I narrowed my list down to the Top Four.
And I realized...Psychology school wasn't even on my list. Didn't even come in my head as I was writing. Not once!
(Wow. Guess who didn't go to Psychology class the next day?)
4. Complete the Top Four Priorities Within the Next 3-6 Months
If one of your goals is too general or not obtainable within 3-6 months, break it down.
If speaking French fluently was a priority, I would have enrolled in a French class and started learning. (French didn't make it into my Top 4.)
Let's say you want a romantic relationship. What can you do to move yourself towards that goal within three months? Something you're not already doing now. You could: Join an organization to meet new people. Practice flirting five minutes a day. Learn more about yourself and who you want to be (and attract) in a relationship.
The goal must stretch you. It must take you out of your comfort zone. It must extend you past your normal routine and inspire you towards the big goal.
And the first step must be attainable within 3-6 months.
5. Re-Evaluate Your List Every 3-6 Months
Do you remember your New Year's Resolutions? I don't. (And if I did, I probably didn't do them.)
Re-evaluating your Top Priorities every 3-6 months not only gives you clarity...it gives you flexibility. And the ability to accomplish what's really important to you without a lot of distraction.
And it allows you to change your mind. If after three months, you stop feeling inspired, do something else. Make a new list.
When I'm asked to do something that doesn't align with my Top Four priorities, I tell people to get back with me on a certain date because for now, my plate is full!
Next time you're overwhelmed with "to dos," list your priorities, eliminate the "shoulds" and go forth inspired...(for at least three months!)
Last summer, I re-directed my life.
After my husband and I moved to Marina del Rey, I took time off from work to percolate. I attended Interior Design School. I did home projects...decorating, cooking, entertaining. (I painted most of the walls in our house and became quite a little handy woman in the process...FYI :))
Finally, wanting to feel more productive, I decided to get my masters degree in psychology and enrolled at Antioch University.
Then I read a book called "The Four Hour Work Week" by Timothy Ferris and my life changed.
Ferris has a system on how to prioritize your life. (I am really going to paraphrase here. Ferris' description is much more detailed than what I'm sharing with you.)
But, in general, this is a simple exercise with very big impact. You can use this exercise to direct your life...anyway you want. Forever!
1. List Everything You Want to Be, Have and Do
Everything. Everything you think is important or want to do in this life, write it down. Even things you don't think are possible, but you'd like to have or be or experience. Put them all down on paper.
This will take some time. At first great things start coming to you, like traveling around the world; owning your own yacht; speaking Japanese fluently; having a fabulous romantic relationship, etc.
Then you'll ponder and mull in your sleep. You'll think of more. It's all good. Write it down.
And once you think your list is complete...
2. Edit Your List to the Top FOUR Priorities
This is a little tougher. You really have to think about what's important. What do you really want to be? What do you really want to have? What do you really want to spend your time doing?
(That's what this exercise is really about. How you really want to spend your time in life.)
I edited my list: Get a masters in psychology. Complete design school. Visit family. Redo the bathroom.
I looked at my list. I didn't feel excited.
These were all good things. Seeing family. Learning. Building.
These were things I could do or should do...but they didn't inspire or motivate me to want to do.
3. Each Priority MUST Inspire & Motivate You!
You must really get excited and charged when you think about these four things! They must make you want to get up in the morning! They must stimulate your energy and creativity!
My list bored the hell out of me.
So I threw it out and started over.
I listed things I really wanted to do in life. Despite what anyone thought. Despite the "shoulds" in my head.
I wrote: Go to water ski camp. Paint the bedroom. Vacation with my husband on a tropical island. Write an on-line newsletter. Speak French fluently. Italian, too. Visit South America.
Then I narrowed my list down to the Top Four.
And I realized...Psychology school wasn't even on my list. Didn't even come in my head as I was writing. Not once!
(Wow. Guess who didn't go to Psychology class the next day?)
4. Complete the Top Four Priorities Within the Next 3-6 Months
If one of your goals is too general or not obtainable within 3-6 months, break it down.
If speaking French fluently was a priority, I would have enrolled in a French class and started learning. (French didn't make it into my Top 4.)
Let's say you want a romantic relationship. What can you do to move yourself towards that goal within three months? Something you're not already doing now. You could: Join an organization to meet new people. Practice flirting five minutes a day. Learn more about yourself and who you want to be (and attract) in a relationship.
The goal must stretch you. It must take you out of your comfort zone. It must extend you past your normal routine and inspire you towards the big goal.
And the first step must be attainable within 3-6 months.
5. Re-Evaluate Your List Every 3-6 Months
Do you remember your New Year's Resolutions? I don't. (And if I did, I probably didn't do them.)
Re-evaluating your Top Priorities every 3-6 months not only gives you clarity...it gives you flexibility. And the ability to accomplish what's really important to you without a lot of distraction.
And it allows you to change your mind. If after three months, you stop feeling inspired, do something else. Make a new list.
When I'm asked to do something that doesn't align with my Top Four priorities, I tell people to get back with me on a certain date because for now, my plate is full!
Next time you're overwhelmed with "to dos," list your priorities, eliminate the "shoulds" and go forth inspired...(for at least three months!)
Monday, August 25, 2008
Setting the Stage for Sex
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Tom puts his arm around Sandra as they walk to her door. Wanting the date to continue, Sandra invites Tom inside for coffee. He readily agrees.
Once inside, the coffee's forgotten as Sandra and Tom kiss on the sofa. Juices are flowing and the chemistry is hot.
Tom moves his hand up Sandra's skirt, slides up her thigh. Sandra gently pushes his hand away.
Tom kisses her again, moving his hand to her breast.
Sandra makes a weak attempt to remove it.
Tom nuzzles into Sandra's neck and whispers, "Let's go to your bedroom."
Uh oh. What's Sandra gonna do?
Does she go for it and risk Tom thinking she's a one-night stand? Or does she say "no" and risk Tom thinking she's a tease?
How does Sandra set the stage for sex in this new relationship?
By talking about it.
In my opinion, there's only one hard and fast direction around when to have sex. That is: When you know the plan.
If you want a one-night stand or a brief affair and your partner is in agreement, go for it. You're both on the same page.
If you want a long-term romance and your partner wants an affair, stop! You're incompatible.
Sandra needs to tell Tom how she feels so feelings aren't hurt and agendas aren't mixed.
Let's say Sandra wants a relationship. What exactly does that mean? How can she communicate to Tom what she wants?
By telling him she wants Longevity, Continuity and Exclusivity to feel safe before having sex. She must have all three. One or two simply ain't good enough!
Longevity: What is the long-term plan? If you want to be married, does your partner want the same thing? This doesn't mean you'll end up marrying each other, but at least you'll know if you're moving in the same direction.
Continuity: How often do you plan to see each other? Once a week? Twice a week? Monthly? If you're long distance, how often will you visit?
Monogamy: This means social as well as sexual monogamy. It's a wonderful thing to have a sexual commitment. It's also a good idea to contract the social monogamy so your partner's not back on line looking for another deal!
It's valuable for two people who want a long-term, romantic relationship to allow the friendship to grow as long as possible. The best romance is between the ears. Anticipation during courtship can be so delicious! Once a couple enters into a sexual relationship the dynamics shift. So enjoy the foreplay!
In my opinion, the longer you wait to consummate sex, the deeper the feelings of love making. If you can resist until the third or fourth month, you'll have a much better idea of whom you're in a relationship with.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Tom puts his arm around Sandra as they walk to her door. Wanting the date to continue, Sandra invites Tom inside for coffee. He readily agrees.
Once inside, the coffee's forgotten as Sandra and Tom kiss on the sofa. Juices are flowing and the chemistry is hot.
Tom moves his hand up Sandra's skirt, slides up her thigh. Sandra gently pushes his hand away.
Tom kisses her again, moving his hand to her breast.
Sandra makes a weak attempt to remove it.
Tom nuzzles into Sandra's neck and whispers, "Let's go to your bedroom."
Uh oh. What's Sandra gonna do?
Does she go for it and risk Tom thinking she's a one-night stand? Or does she say "no" and risk Tom thinking she's a tease?
How does Sandra set the stage for sex in this new relationship?
By talking about it.
In my opinion, there's only one hard and fast direction around when to have sex. That is: When you know the plan.
If you want a one-night stand or a brief affair and your partner is in agreement, go for it. You're both on the same page.
If you want a long-term romance and your partner wants an affair, stop! You're incompatible.
Sandra needs to tell Tom how she feels so feelings aren't hurt and agendas aren't mixed.
Let's say Sandra wants a relationship. What exactly does that mean? How can she communicate to Tom what she wants?
By telling him she wants Longevity, Continuity and Exclusivity to feel safe before having sex. She must have all three. One or two simply ain't good enough!
Longevity: What is the long-term plan? If you want to be married, does your partner want the same thing? This doesn't mean you'll end up marrying each other, but at least you'll know if you're moving in the same direction.
Continuity: How often do you plan to see each other? Once a week? Twice a week? Monthly? If you're long distance, how often will you visit?
Monogamy: This means social as well as sexual monogamy. It's a wonderful thing to have a sexual commitment. It's also a good idea to contract the social monogamy so your partner's not back on line looking for another deal!
It's valuable for two people who want a long-term, romantic relationship to allow the friendship to grow as long as possible. The best romance is between the ears. Anticipation during courtship can be so delicious! Once a couple enters into a sexual relationship the dynamics shift. So enjoy the foreplay!
In my opinion, the longer you wait to consummate sex, the deeper the feelings of love making. If you can resist until the third or fourth month, you'll have a much better idea of whom you're in a relationship with.
For more dating techniques and to learn what to do and say in your relationship (so you don't blow it)...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Making an Entrance: The Power of Presentation
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I fluffed my hair, dabbed my lipstick and gave myself one last check in the mirror. Then I took a deep breath.
I opened the door.
And there he stood...
Tall, Dark and Dirty.
Seriously. He was filthy. His clothes weren't washed. There was dirt underneath his fingernails and he smelled bad.
I couldn't believe this man had showed up like this for our date.
Our first meeting and he knocks at my door unbathed!
He was an electrician and he came to pick me up directly from work. (We were meeting for the first time through a dating agency.)
Before he could open his mouth...I knew this man was most definitely NOT MY MAN!
Before he could speak, I cast him in the role of "Loser".
I couldn't hear a thing he said....
Because it was over. In the first three seconds as he stood at my door, it was over. Done.
No matter what you think...Presentation is important.
People make an impression of you in the first three seconds of seeing you.
How you look, how you act and how you speak can set the stage for your relationship (or lack of a relationship) from here to eternity.
My date made a memorable entrance...but not a favorable one.
Here are three directions on how to make a favorable entrance to attract the man you want:
1. Dress the Part
Do you look your best? Are you clean? Do you smell good? How's your hair and make-up?
Does what you're wearing fit you? Is it the right color? Does it flatter your body?
If it doesn't, you're not dressing your part. You can't possibly expect to attract a really great guy if you don't look good.
Dress your best. Wear something soft. Wear something touchable. Wear something that shows off your figure.
If you're dressing to attract the attention of a man, be sure you're giving him something he'd like to see.
And put a smile on your lips and sway your hips! Because, baby, he also likes how you move!
2. Act the Part
Are you courteous? Are you timely? Are you rude?
Do you tell him what to do? Or do you let him lead?
Do you ask for his number? Or wait for him to want to call you?
Do you impress him with your accomplishments or respect his first? (HELLO! If you're respecting each other's accomplishments, you're two men at work...you're not on a date!)
If you want to attract a man, you want him to like how you act.
That means being on time. Listening to what he has to say. Smiling when he says something amusing.
Act as if you enjoy being with him and that he interests you. (Even if he doesn't interest you, it's good practice!)
Knowing how to act your part is part of being in a relationship. And that (as far as I know) will never change.
3. Speak the Part
Do you talk too much? Are you critical? Do you judge?
Do you say "Yes" to his ideas? "Thank you" to his compliments? Or "Please" to what he offers?
And when it's uncomfortable can you really say "No"? (And mean it?)
You must know how to speak to your partner. How to respect him. How to build with him. How to negotiate and communicate with him.
I don't have to remind you how different we are. How men's and women's brains are different. How we speak and communicate so differently.
As a woman, it's in your best interest to understand a man's language and how he takes in information so that when you speak, he hears you and understands you.
In a romantic relationship it will serve you to know how to speak to your man.
So next time you Make an Entrance to Meet a New Man remember...how you dress, how you act and how you speak...can determine the success (or lack of success) in your relationship.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
I fluffed my hair, dabbed my lipstick and gave myself one last check in the mirror. Then I took a deep breath.
I opened the door.
And there he stood...
Tall, Dark and Dirty.
Seriously. He was filthy. His clothes weren't washed. There was dirt underneath his fingernails and he smelled bad.
I couldn't believe this man had showed up like this for our date.
Our first meeting and he knocks at my door unbathed!
He was an electrician and he came to pick me up directly from work. (We were meeting for the first time through a dating agency.)
Before he could open his mouth...I knew this man was most definitely NOT MY MAN!
Before he could speak, I cast him in the role of "Loser".
I couldn't hear a thing he said....
Because it was over. In the first three seconds as he stood at my door, it was over. Done.
No matter what you think...Presentation is important.
People make an impression of you in the first three seconds of seeing you.
How you look, how you act and how you speak can set the stage for your relationship (or lack of a relationship) from here to eternity.
My date made a memorable entrance...but not a favorable one.
Here are three directions on how to make a favorable entrance to attract the man you want:
1. Dress the Part
Do you look your best? Are you clean? Do you smell good? How's your hair and make-up?
Does what you're wearing fit you? Is it the right color? Does it flatter your body?
If it doesn't, you're not dressing your part. You can't possibly expect to attract a really great guy if you don't look good.
Dress your best. Wear something soft. Wear something touchable. Wear something that shows off your figure.
If you're dressing to attract the attention of a man, be sure you're giving him something he'd like to see.
And put a smile on your lips and sway your hips! Because, baby, he also likes how you move!
2. Act the Part
Are you courteous? Are you timely? Are you rude?
Do you tell him what to do? Or do you let him lead?
Do you ask for his number? Or wait for him to want to call you?
Do you impress him with your accomplishments or respect his first? (HELLO! If you're respecting each other's accomplishments, you're two men at work...you're not on a date!)
If you want to attract a man, you want him to like how you act.
That means being on time. Listening to what he has to say. Smiling when he says something amusing.
Act as if you enjoy being with him and that he interests you. (Even if he doesn't interest you, it's good practice!)
Knowing how to act your part is part of being in a relationship. And that (as far as I know) will never change.
3. Speak the Part
Do you talk too much? Are you critical? Do you judge?
Do you say "Yes" to his ideas? "Thank you" to his compliments? Or "Please" to what he offers?
And when it's uncomfortable can you really say "No"? (And mean it?)
You must know how to speak to your partner. How to respect him. How to build with him. How to negotiate and communicate with him.
I don't have to remind you how different we are. How men's and women's brains are different. How we speak and communicate so differently.
As a woman, it's in your best interest to understand a man's language and how he takes in information so that when you speak, he hears you and understands you.
In a romantic relationship it will serve you to know how to speak to your man.
So next time you Make an Entrance to Meet a New Man remember...how you dress, how you act and how you speak...can determine the success (or lack of success) in your relationship.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Behind the Scenes: The Reality of a Relationship
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
"Tell me something bad," my client whined.
"I love reading your newsletters and reading about your fabulous life and seeing how happy you are with your husband. But sometimes I really don't want to hear about it! Especially when I'm having so much difficulty. So tell me something that's not working in your life!"
Wow. As the Dating Director, I want to keep a positive attitude about love and life. And it's easier and more fun to write about good things. Especially when life is full of good things.
It's true. I've been blessed. I have good friends, good health, good surroundings and the love of a good man. Who could ask for anything more? :)
You could say I'm one of the lucky ones.
And believe me I am lucky when it comes to family and friends.
But getting into a romantic relationship...that's where Luck had nothing to do with it.
I worked hard. I dated a lot of men. I had to learn what to do, what to say and how to be as a woman. I had to learn how to express myself in a way that made me feel better about who I am in a relationship. And I had to learn how to negotiate and communicate in a rational way so I could be heard and understood by a man.
It wasn't easy. It's taken years. And I'm still learning.
But it's working. I have an eight year relationship to show for it. (Neither Lorenzo nor I had been in a relationship that lasted past a year and a half before.)
So it's definitely been worth it.
But make no mistake. Getting into a relationship is where the real work begins! You think you know what you want and then you somehow get it. And then you panic and think...what do I do with it now?
Relationships are Major Skill Builders and Major Tests. About who you are. About who he is. About who you are together. About choices you make. About commitment. And about fear.
So today I'm sharing with you three realities from my relationship (and I don't think I'm alone. :))
1. Expect Conflict
Because you're gonna have it. In fact, you can mark your calendar because usually the bomb goes off about every two months. Every sixty days it's like a BIG pimple pops. Things build up and it just blows.
I don't know ANYONE in a relationship (a good one anyway) that doesn't deal with some kind of conflict or major obstacle of some sort. NO ONE.
Everybody's got their stuff.
It could be an ex. Or children. Or a meddling in-law. Or a health issue. Or finances. Or________(fill in the blank).
Conflict is part of Relationship.
It's how you DEAL with conflict that determines if you'll stay with your partner or not.
Now the good news: Conflict Builds Intimacy.
So don't fight with anyone you don't want to build with.
And remember...making up can be fun!
2. The Perfect Mate (or Situation) Doesn't Exist
Like buying a new house and then discovering it has leaks and mold, your dream man isn't perfect. And, lest I say, neither are you.
There are days when you will look at your husband (and he will look at you :)) and you both will think, "Why in the "$#)@* did I marry this jerk?" (Oh, yes. You will, too.)
My husband, Lorenzo, has these annoying little habits...like dumping sugar on the counter when he makes coffee and leaving it there. Or not sealing the zip lock bag together properly so food spoils. Or Arrrrgggghhh! Leaving all that nasty shaving cream mess in the bathroom sink.
You might be thinking, "Cherry, those things are so petty. That's not important in a relationship. You can learn to live with that."
And you're right.
I do.
But every now and then (at least every two months), those petty annoyances just add up and I blow!
That's when I scold him and tell him what to do.
And that's when he calls me BIG MAN.
'Cause I'm acting like BIG MAMA.
As skilled as I am in the art of femininity, there are times when IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BE THE GIRL! (Especially when I think I'm smarter, I can do it better and at least 10 times faster! :))
3. Beware of Yourself
Personally, I believe the reason we're in relationship is to heal parts of ourselves. My husband teaches me more about myself than I (really) want to know!
It's easy when everything's fine to keep a big smile.
But then the lights go out. (They do.) And trouble hits. (It does.) And you're tested. (You are.) And you see parts of yourself that you've never known. (Or want to know).
That's when a relationship is not so pretty. Or nice.
That's when it's dark. And scary. Because behind the scenes are where you see the dark side of yourself.
He exposes your greatest fears. He plays on your insecurities. He knows you behind your mask.
There's no place to go and hide. Your partner sees everything.
And It's hard. It's hard to watch yourself and who you can become when you're angry at someone you love.
It just feels bad. It sucks.
And there's more at stake being in a marriage. (More paperwork and furniture.)
So all I know to do is to strap myself in and go through it. Get through it the best I can.
And grow. And learn. And share.
And so far, it's been worth it.
Many times we "blow" a relationship because we don't know how to ask for what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
"Tell me something bad," my client whined.
"I love reading your newsletters and reading about your fabulous life and seeing how happy you are with your husband. But sometimes I really don't want to hear about it! Especially when I'm having so much difficulty. So tell me something that's not working in your life!"
Wow. As the Dating Director, I want to keep a positive attitude about love and life. And it's easier and more fun to write about good things. Especially when life is full of good things.
It's true. I've been blessed. I have good friends, good health, good surroundings and the love of a good man. Who could ask for anything more? :)
You could say I'm one of the lucky ones.
And believe me I am lucky when it comes to family and friends.
But getting into a romantic relationship...that's where Luck had nothing to do with it.
I worked hard. I dated a lot of men. I had to learn what to do, what to say and how to be as a woman. I had to learn how to express myself in a way that made me feel better about who I am in a relationship. And I had to learn how to negotiate and communicate in a rational way so I could be heard and understood by a man.
It wasn't easy. It's taken years. And I'm still learning.
But it's working. I have an eight year relationship to show for it. (Neither Lorenzo nor I had been in a relationship that lasted past a year and a half before.)
So it's definitely been worth it.
But make no mistake. Getting into a relationship is where the real work begins! You think you know what you want and then you somehow get it. And then you panic and think...what do I do with it now?
Relationships are Major Skill Builders and Major Tests. About who you are. About who he is. About who you are together. About choices you make. About commitment. And about fear.
So today I'm sharing with you three realities from my relationship (and I don't think I'm alone. :))
1. Expect Conflict
Because you're gonna have it. In fact, you can mark your calendar because usually the bomb goes off about every two months. Every sixty days it's like a BIG pimple pops. Things build up and it just blows.
I don't know ANYONE in a relationship (a good one anyway) that doesn't deal with some kind of conflict or major obstacle of some sort. NO ONE.
Everybody's got their stuff.
It could be an ex. Or children. Or a meddling in-law. Or a health issue. Or finances. Or________(fill in the blank).
Conflict is part of Relationship.
It's how you DEAL with conflict that determines if you'll stay with your partner or not.
Now the good news: Conflict Builds Intimacy.
So don't fight with anyone you don't want to build with.
And remember...making up can be fun!
2. The Perfect Mate (or Situation) Doesn't Exist
Like buying a new house and then discovering it has leaks and mold, your dream man isn't perfect. And, lest I say, neither are you.
There are days when you will look at your husband (and he will look at you :)) and you both will think, "Why in the "$#)@* did I marry this jerk?" (Oh, yes. You will, too.)
My husband, Lorenzo, has these annoying little habits...like dumping sugar on the counter when he makes coffee and leaving it there. Or not sealing the zip lock bag together properly so food spoils. Or Arrrrgggghhh! Leaving all that nasty shaving cream mess in the bathroom sink.
You might be thinking, "Cherry, those things are so petty. That's not important in a relationship. You can learn to live with that."
And you're right.
I do.
But every now and then (at least every two months), those petty annoyances just add up and I blow!
That's when I scold him and tell him what to do.
And that's when he calls me BIG MAN.
'Cause I'm acting like BIG MAMA.
As skilled as I am in the art of femininity, there are times when IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BE THE GIRL! (Especially when I think I'm smarter, I can do it better and at least 10 times faster! :))
3. Beware of Yourself
Personally, I believe the reason we're in relationship is to heal parts of ourselves. My husband teaches me more about myself than I (really) want to know!
It's easy when everything's fine to keep a big smile.
But then the lights go out. (They do.) And trouble hits. (It does.) And you're tested. (You are.) And you see parts of yourself that you've never known. (Or want to know).
That's when a relationship is not so pretty. Or nice.
That's when it's dark. And scary. Because behind the scenes are where you see the dark side of yourself.
He exposes your greatest fears. He plays on your insecurities. He knows you behind your mask.
There's no place to go and hide. Your partner sees everything.
And It's hard. It's hard to watch yourself and who you can become when you're angry at someone you love.
It just feels bad. It sucks.
And there's more at stake being in a marriage. (More paperwork and furniture.)
So all I know to do is to strap myself in and go through it. Get through it the best I can.
And grow. And learn. And share.
And so far, it's been worth it.
Many times we "blow" a relationship because we don't know how to ask for what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
To Pay or Not To Pay?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
To Pay or Not to Pay? It's often a confusing question when dating a new man.
What would you do in this situation?
You're having dinner with a man you find very attractive. He's sexy, smart, sensitive and fun. He's a gentleman. He treats you well. He makes you laugh. He's entertaining. And it seems like he's really into you.
The evening is delightful. Romantic. Absolutely perfect.
Then the check arrives.
Your date looks at the check and says, "Should we just split this?"
And your heart sinks.
(Damn.) (Just when everything was going so great.)
Would you...
A. Tell him how rude he is and how he should NEVER ask a woman to pay.
B. Reluctantly give in to his request and pay your share.
C. Negotiate with him about who pays.
If you answered A, you're not giving him the right to be who he is. (Most men don't go for controlling bitchy women.) (Even if they are cheap.)
If you answered B, you're not standing up for yourself. And you'll resent (and punish) him later because paying for your meal doesn't make you feel good.
If you answered C, you're willing to take a risk on building an intimate relationship.
So should you decide to negotiate...how would you do it? (You may ask.)
1. Acknowledge Your Date Has the Right to Ask for What He Wants
Even if you don't like what he asks for.
If he asks you to pay (because he's broke; he just wants to be friends; he doesn't want to offend you by paying; or whatever...) remember he has a right to ask.
And if he's someone you want to build a relationship with, it's in your best interest to acknowledge it.
So tell him he has every right to ask you to pay your share.
2. Tell Him How You Feel About What He's Asked
If you don't feel comfortable splitting the tab, tell him.
Let him know you respect men who are generous and protective. And in return you'll feel more vulnerable and receptive to his lead and ideas.
It's in your best interest to feel a little indebted to a man you're dating. As you feel safer and cherished by his generosity, you're better able to open up sensually and sexually.
(How many men think that's a good idea? :))
3. Negotiate an Agreement
Ask what he wants to do.
Does he want to pay the bill and establish himself as the respected leader in the relationship? (If so, you're building intimacy.)
Or does he prefer to find someone else who will split the check with him? (That's called friendship. When a woman pays equal to a man there isn't a log of intimacy promoted.)
Generally, I believe whoever initiates the date should pay. But everyone has a right to ask for what they want. And in a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know how to negotiate.
So give your date permission to ask for what he wants, tell him how you feel about it and make an agreement.
Knowing how to negotiate helps build intimacy in all your relationships...not just in dating and romance!
Many times we "blow" a situation because we don't know how to communicate and negotiate to get what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
To Pay or Not to Pay? It's often a confusing question when dating a new man.
What would you do in this situation?
You're having dinner with a man you find very attractive. He's sexy, smart, sensitive and fun. He's a gentleman. He treats you well. He makes you laugh. He's entertaining. And it seems like he's really into you.
The evening is delightful. Romantic. Absolutely perfect.
Then the check arrives.
Your date looks at the check and says, "Should we just split this?"
And your heart sinks.
(Damn.) (Just when everything was going so great.)
Would you...
A. Tell him how rude he is and how he should NEVER ask a woman to pay.
B. Reluctantly give in to his request and pay your share.
C. Negotiate with him about who pays.
If you answered A, you're not giving him the right to be who he is. (Most men don't go for controlling bitchy women.) (Even if they are cheap.)
If you answered B, you're not standing up for yourself. And you'll resent (and punish) him later because paying for your meal doesn't make you feel good.
If you answered C, you're willing to take a risk on building an intimate relationship.
So should you decide to negotiate...how would you do it? (You may ask.)
1. Acknowledge Your Date Has the Right to Ask for What He Wants
Even if you don't like what he asks for.
If he asks you to pay (because he's broke; he just wants to be friends; he doesn't want to offend you by paying; or whatever...) remember he has a right to ask.
And if he's someone you want to build a relationship with, it's in your best interest to acknowledge it.
So tell him he has every right to ask you to pay your share.
2. Tell Him How You Feel About What He's Asked
If you don't feel comfortable splitting the tab, tell him.
Let him know you respect men who are generous and protective. And in return you'll feel more vulnerable and receptive to his lead and ideas.
It's in your best interest to feel a little indebted to a man you're dating. As you feel safer and cherished by his generosity, you're better able to open up sensually and sexually.
(How many men think that's a good idea? :))
3. Negotiate an Agreement
Ask what he wants to do.
Does he want to pay the bill and establish himself as the respected leader in the relationship? (If so, you're building intimacy.)
Or does he prefer to find someone else who will split the check with him? (That's called friendship. When a woman pays equal to a man there isn't a log of intimacy promoted.)
Generally, I believe whoever initiates the date should pay. But everyone has a right to ask for what they want. And in a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know how to negotiate.
So give your date permission to ask for what he wants, tell him how you feel about it and make an agreement.
Knowing how to negotiate helps build intimacy in all your relationships...not just in dating and romance!
Many times we "blow" a situation because we don't know how to communicate and negotiate to get what we want.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Our Date Was GREAT! Why Hasn't He Called?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Does this sound familiar?
You go on a date with someone. And it's Great.
You look good. You feel good. You connect with this person. You laugh. It feels like you could talk for days. And when you say "good-bye" you can't wait for the next time...
Because you're Absolutely, Positively Sure there WILL be a NEXT time.
And then...Nothing.
Poof. He's gone.
No call. No e-mail. No text.
And it feels horrible.
So you speculate...Maybe he's sick or lost my number???
And you re-enact...What could have possibly gone wrong???
And you poll your friends...What do YOU think???
And you wait...
And wait...
For the bloody phone to ring.
And it doesn't.
And it's driving you friggin' insane because...
You don't know what the "#$@*!" happened!
So what do you do???
1. Don't Take it Personally
Because it's not.
Men are logical. They know in advance if they're interested in dating or courting a woman. And there are significant differences in the two.
Dating is having fun for the moment.
Courting is planning for the long term.
If he's interested in dating, he's not going to court you. Period.
He may have sensed on the date that you were more interested in courtship rather than having fun and casual sex.
If a man doesn't call back, chances are he's not ready for a committed relationship.
2. Mark Your Calendar
It's common for a man to take 10 to 14 days to call back a woman.
Now before you start gettin' all wiggy...if he's Really Into You, he's gonna call sooner. I'm talkin' about the ones who don't!
Men operate on VERY different time lines than women. Men's brains are designed VERY differently from a woman's. (It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out! :))
It could take a man up to 8 WEEKS to call you back. (Yes. Seriously.) It could take him that long to process a decision to call.
So mark your calendar and be receptive if/when you hear from him.
3. Don't CALL HIM
Or e-mail. Or text. Or whatever! Wait it out!
His NOT calling is giving you lots of information on where he's at.
You don't wanna be chasing him if he's not into you!
If you haven't heard from him...AFTER eight weeks...you can send him a non-verbal salutation. Perhaps a short e-mail or greeting card could "jump start" him back into action.
If he doesn't respond, move on. He's simply not available.
4. Keep Yourself Out There
Stay open to dating others.
Best word in the English dictionary is "Next." If he's not interested, someone else will be.
So dress up, go out and attract someone new.
Many times we send out signals that are misperceived because we're unaware of our own behavior and how we're being interpreted.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
Does this sound familiar?
You go on a date with someone. And it's Great.
You look good. You feel good. You connect with this person. You laugh. It feels like you could talk for days. And when you say "good-bye" you can't wait for the next time...
Because you're Absolutely, Positively Sure there WILL be a NEXT time.
And then...Nothing.
Poof. He's gone.
No call. No e-mail. No text.
And it feels horrible.
So you speculate...Maybe he's sick or lost my number???
And you re-enact...What could have possibly gone wrong???
And you poll your friends...What do YOU think???
And you wait...
And wait...
For the bloody phone to ring.
And it doesn't.
And it's driving you friggin' insane because...
You don't know what the "#$@*!" happened!
So what do you do???
1. Don't Take it Personally
Because it's not.
Men are logical. They know in advance if they're interested in dating or courting a woman. And there are significant differences in the two.
Dating is having fun for the moment.
Courting is planning for the long term.
If he's interested in dating, he's not going to court you. Period.
He may have sensed on the date that you were more interested in courtship rather than having fun and casual sex.
If a man doesn't call back, chances are he's not ready for a committed relationship.
2. Mark Your Calendar
It's common for a man to take 10 to 14 days to call back a woman.
Now before you start gettin' all wiggy...if he's Really Into You, he's gonna call sooner. I'm talkin' about the ones who don't!
Men operate on VERY different time lines than women. Men's brains are designed VERY differently from a woman's. (It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out! :))
It could take a man up to 8 WEEKS to call you back. (Yes. Seriously.) It could take him that long to process a decision to call.
So mark your calendar and be receptive if/when you hear from him.
3. Don't CALL HIM
Or e-mail. Or text. Or whatever! Wait it out!
His NOT calling is giving you lots of information on where he's at.
You don't wanna be chasing him if he's not into you!
If you haven't heard from him...AFTER eight weeks...you can send him a non-verbal salutation. Perhaps a short e-mail or greeting card could "jump start" him back into action.
If he doesn't respond, move on. He's simply not available.
4. Keep Yourself Out There
Stay open to dating others.
Best word in the English dictionary is "Next." If he's not interested, someone else will be.
So dress up, go out and attract someone new.
Many times we send out signals that are misperceived because we're unaware of our own behavior and how we're being interpreted.
If you want to better understand what you're doing and how to shift to get better results...Order The Role of a Lifetime: How To Star in Your Own Love Story Home Study Course today!
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