How to Clean Up After Your Break Up

by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"

It's over. They're gone. Your heart is broken. The dream is shattered. Crushed. You turn to your friends for solace. Or self-help books. Or religion. Or pints of Hagen Daas. Or booze.

But NOTHING helps. NOTHING fills the void.

And it isn't pretty. In fact, it's dark. Definitely not the lighter side of life.
So what can you do? How can you pick up and clean up and remove this unending pain?

1. Know You're Not Alone

We've all been there. We've all suffered loss. Most of us have invested in a relationship that didn't meet our expectations or didn't work out the way we planned.

NEWS FLASH: Half the marriages in America end in divorce. (Like my first marriage.)

I've had more "failed" relationships than I've had "successful" ones. I've had more men break my heart than I've broken bread sticks over the last twenty years. And guess what? I'm still here. I didn't die. (Although I felt like I could have at times!)

After every heartbreak I swear I'll never love again. I swear I'll never allow myself to be hurt again. It's tooooo painful. I'm toooooo vulnerable. And guess what?

Like a fool, I do it again.

But here's the thing...I've learned more about myself with every encounter. Each man I've dated has brought me more understanding of who I am as a human and spiritual being. My past relationships prepared me for the wonderful marriage I have today. Without these experiences, I may not have found (much less appreciated) my husband.

2. If You're the One Left Behind...Congratulations!

Dr. Pat Allen says, "He/She who leaves the relationship first is destined to repeat same karma. He/She who stays until lesson is learned moves to next better mate."
If your partner left prematurely, YOU move to "next higher place".

How do you know when your relationship (this lesson) is over?

When you feel nothing. When ALL the energy is gone. When there's nothing left but apathy and empathy. (When you can't watch them chew, it's REALLY over.)

* The one exception to leaving first is if you are being physically or emotionally abused. RUN, don't walk. Get out ASAP!

3. You Cannot Be "Friends" With Your "Ex" Until You Both Have New Partners.

Often during a break-up, couples will want to remain "friends".

NOT a great idea.

The sooner you "de-bond" with your "ex", the sooner you'll heal and meet someone new.

If you're a woman who's been left by a man and he keeps "circling" back where you can still smell him...BEWARE! His presence isn't doing you any favors. He's keeping you physically glued.

Ever heard of oxytocin? It's a hormone in your body that triggers every time you smell, taste or touch him. Like a drug it will keep you physically addicted. Your mind will say, "no, no, no", but you're body keeps you engaged. If your "ex" wants to be "friends", say, "No, thanks!" and walk away.

4. Get Out There and "Duty Date"

Break-ups take time. It's part of the process.

But you can help yourself heal quicker by going back out into the market...even if you don't FEEL like it. Start "Duty Dating". (The film is a great motivator to get you going.:))

Yes, it's horrible. No one will look good to you. You'll be repulsed by everyone you meet. But do it anyway.

Act as if you're enjoying it. Fake it until you find yourself receptive to meeting someone new. It isn't easy, but it's the quickest way to heal a broken heart.

5. You're the Star of Your Relationship

Put yourself in a position of power by allowing your dates to demonstrate what they can do for you. What can they offer that will make your life better? What can they do for you that you can't do for yourself? Give yourself more choices.

Think of Scarlet O'Hara at the picnic. Attract as many beaus (or belles) as possible. Take the opportunity to learn what you like or dislike in a mate.

Who are you with that person? Are you having fun? Is he a generous, protective and cherishing man? Is she an available, receptive and respecting woman?

6. Take Care of You

Be kind. Stop blaming yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Take bubble baths or long walks. Get a massage. Enjoy your friends. Exercise. Take care of your body.

Break-ups are challenging. But ending a relationship can better prepare you for the next one by helping you know what you want (or don't want). The good news is you have a new opportunity to create something different with someone new.

The down side is...it's not easy. It takes time to heal. It's normal to feel scared or uncomfortable as you put yourself back out there.

But remember, you're not alone. We've all been there.