by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
As a Dating and Relationship Coach, I always advise my single clients to date more than one person at the same time until they're in a committed relationship.
This is a "no-brainer" for my male clients! Men, by nature are built to be polygamous...meaning it's natural for them to have more than one woman.
Not so for women.
By nature, women tend to go "prematurely monogamous". We get "glued" to a guy (especially if we have sex) before a commitment.
So as yucky as it is, it's important for a woman to have the skill set to go against her natural biological tendencies and date more than one man simultaneously in order to find a mate.
But "dating" isn't just for romance...
Recently I hired a new VA (virtual assistant). A virtual assistant is someone who has their own office space and works for clients "virtually" on-line and on the phone.
During the interview process I realized I was "Dating" my candidates.
And I realized this skill set comes in VERY handy for business.
1. Always Interview at Least THREE Candidates Before You Hire Someone (or Take a Job)
In my romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, the heroine dates three men at the same time in order to find a mate. With one, she's over-focused; two is an either/or; only with three can she keep prospective and build her relationship skills.
The same is true in business.
It's best to have at least three candidates to choose from before hiring someone. Or three companies to interview. Gives you more options. And better prospective.
2. Have at Least THREE Interviews Before Making a Decision
Nobody's normal in their first meeting...whether it's a date or a business deal. Everybody's nervous. Everybody's weird. Everybody's trying to impress.
And even though you may feel initial chemistry with someone, it could take at least three meetings for the "real person" to show up.
First impressions (although significant) aren't as important as the second and third ones.
One of my VA candidates made a GREAT first impression. Our first conversation was fantastic! I got off the phone ready to hire her. And if I had, it would have been a tremendous mistake. As great as our first meeting was, she didn't have the qualifications I needed. I didn't discover this until our third conversation.
On the other hand, my first meeting with my new VA, Geri, was frustrating. Her phone was on the blink and kept cutting in and out as we were speaking. I missed much of what she said! But by conversation two and three, she proved to be exactly what I was looking for.
3. Let 'Em Present What They Can Bring to the Table Before You Make a Commitment
A woman needs to see what a man can offer her before making a commitment.
A man needs to see how receptive a woman is to what he has to offer before making a commitment.
And in business, a person needs to see what the candidate can offer to the company (or what the company can offer) in order to make a good decision.
It's important to ask questions, but it's REALLY important to LISTEN!
What is the person or situation really offering? How does that work for you? What kind of relationship do you want? And does that person satisfy your needs or compliment your situation?
4. Prioritize Your List and Shift Status As You Go
Rank your dates and top business candidates as One, Two and Three. Then give it time to see how they shift.
If a guy doesn't call a girl, she'll forget about him and he'll drop down the list.
If a woman isn't available for a man, he'll move on to numbers two and three.
If a business associate doesn't have the chops or isn't punctual, he'll eliminate himself and the qualified candidates will emerge.
This can take time.
In my first interviews with my five VA candidates, they ranked similar. All of them had nice personalities and excellent administrative skills.
So I upped my ante.
I decided to hire a VA who had marketing experience as well. And that's where they started to differentiate. I was fortunate to hire a VA that was best suited to my needs.
So whether you're meeting someone for romance or for a business deal...always "Date" more than one! :)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
To Risk or Not To Risk?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
This is a BIG question.
Should I enter this relationship? Should I marry this man? Should I take a new job? Should I move to a different city?
What if I fail? What if I look stupid? What if I loose money? What if I can't survive? (If you're asking this question, it's probably best NOT to take the risk!)
One of the biggest risks I ever took was marrying Lorenzo. I'd already had ONE failed marriage. What if I had another one? What if he were using me as an entrance fee into the US of A?
All these doubts. All these questions.
So was getting married worth the risk?
Yes.
So far.
Being in a romantic relationship with Lorenzo has taken me to much deeper levels of myself. To my greatest joys and my deepest fears.
And it's definitely been worth it.
So how do you determine whether to risk or not to risk?
1. To "Ben Franklin"? Or "Dip-Stick"?
My father always said, "If you have a decision to make, do like Ben Franklin...draw a line down the center of the page. On one side list all the advantages. On the other side list the disadvantages. Then see what you've got.
"Ben Franklin" is a Masculine approach to decision making. The Masculine thinks about the risk and the consequences of the choice then makes a logical, intelligent decision.
The Feminine approach is to "Dip-Stick".
When I was deciding whether or not to marry Lorenzo, Dr. Pat Allen suggested I "dip-stick" my feelings.
If I felt like being married to Lorenzo, I'd put a mark under "Yes". If I didn't, I'd mark "No".
After a week (or two) the "Yes" side won. So we got married. (I bet you thought there was more to it. Non?)
So ladies, draw a line down the page and instead of "advantages" and "disadvantages", write YES or NO. Then check in with your feelings several times a day for a week or so.
Even if both sides start out equally, one side will eventually win over the other.
And the "crazy making" rumination between your head and heart (think, feel, think, feel, think, feel...) will stop.
2. Can You Afford the Price Tag?
If taking the risk didn't work out, would you survive it?
If you lost your investment, your partner or the job, would the experience be worth it? (I'm not talking about just dollars and cents.)
Would the actual experience be worth it? Would you become a "better" person? Could you learn something valuable? Can you afford the loss of NOT doing it?
When you look back on your life, is this a worthy investment of your money, time, energy or life experience?
If the answer is "Yes", do it.
I thought DUTY DATING would lead me to my next film project. It didn't.
But DUTY DATING did lead me to my husband.
And being the "Dating Director". And meeting many of you. And the opportunity of creating another career outside the (brutal) film industry.
I learned A LOT writing, directing and producing a feature film. The experience was invaluable. I would never trade it.
And DUTY DATING was completed and distributed internationally. (Even my in-laws saw it on Italian TV:))
3. What's Your Plan B?
I understand many "risk takers" have no Plan B. They say it's because there is simply NO alternative. Fine. If you gotta have it, you gotta have it, so by all means, go for it. Godspeed.
But for some of us, when unexpectedly Life Happens, it's nice to have Plan B. If something doesn't work out the way you want, there's something to fall back on. Even if the "fall back" isn't exactly your dream.
When I made the decision to move to LA, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After all, I was raised in a small Tennessee town. (A BIG city for me was Knoxville.)
But I knew if I fell flat on my butt...if I lost everything I had...and ended up broke on the street, I could ALWAYS go home. Back to Kingsport, Tennessee. My parents would take me in. It wasn't my ideal choice (not theirs either). But at least I had a safety net.
And that's a big comfort. It gives me freedom to take risks.
So I advise having Plan B. Not that you'd ever use it. But knowing it's there can offer you alternatives. And peace of mind.
Here's to the Risk Taker in You!
This is a BIG question.
Should I enter this relationship? Should I marry this man? Should I take a new job? Should I move to a different city?
What if I fail? What if I look stupid? What if I loose money? What if I can't survive? (If you're asking this question, it's probably best NOT to take the risk!)
One of the biggest risks I ever took was marrying Lorenzo. I'd already had ONE failed marriage. What if I had another one? What if he were using me as an entrance fee into the US of A?
All these doubts. All these questions.
So was getting married worth the risk?
Yes.
So far.
Being in a romantic relationship with Lorenzo has taken me to much deeper levels of myself. To my greatest joys and my deepest fears.
And it's definitely been worth it.
So how do you determine whether to risk or not to risk?
1. To "Ben Franklin"? Or "Dip-Stick"?
My father always said, "If you have a decision to make, do like Ben Franklin...draw a line down the center of the page. On one side list all the advantages. On the other side list the disadvantages. Then see what you've got.
"Ben Franklin" is a Masculine approach to decision making. The Masculine thinks about the risk and the consequences of the choice then makes a logical, intelligent decision.
The Feminine approach is to "Dip-Stick".
When I was deciding whether or not to marry Lorenzo, Dr. Pat Allen suggested I "dip-stick" my feelings.
If I felt like being married to Lorenzo, I'd put a mark under "Yes". If I didn't, I'd mark "No".
After a week (or two) the "Yes" side won. So we got married. (I bet you thought there was more to it. Non?)
So ladies, draw a line down the page and instead of "advantages" and "disadvantages", write YES or NO. Then check in with your feelings several times a day for a week or so.
Even if both sides start out equally, one side will eventually win over the other.
And the "crazy making" rumination between your head and heart (think, feel, think, feel, think, feel...) will stop.
2. Can You Afford the Price Tag?
If taking the risk didn't work out, would you survive it?
If you lost your investment, your partner or the job, would the experience be worth it? (I'm not talking about just dollars and cents.)
Would the actual experience be worth it? Would you become a "better" person? Could you learn something valuable? Can you afford the loss of NOT doing it?
When you look back on your life, is this a worthy investment of your money, time, energy or life experience?
If the answer is "Yes", do it.
I thought DUTY DATING would lead me to my next film project. It didn't.
But DUTY DATING did lead me to my husband.
And being the "Dating Director". And meeting many of you. And the opportunity of creating another career outside the (brutal) film industry.
I learned A LOT writing, directing and producing a feature film. The experience was invaluable. I would never trade it.
And DUTY DATING was completed and distributed internationally. (Even my in-laws saw it on Italian TV:))
3. What's Your Plan B?
I understand many "risk takers" have no Plan B. They say it's because there is simply NO alternative. Fine. If you gotta have it, you gotta have it, so by all means, go for it. Godspeed.
But for some of us, when unexpectedly Life Happens, it's nice to have Plan B. If something doesn't work out the way you want, there's something to fall back on. Even if the "fall back" isn't exactly your dream.
When I made the decision to move to LA, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After all, I was raised in a small Tennessee town. (A BIG city for me was Knoxville.)
But I knew if I fell flat on my butt...if I lost everything I had...and ended up broke on the street, I could ALWAYS go home. Back to Kingsport, Tennessee. My parents would take me in. It wasn't my ideal choice (not theirs either). But at least I had a safety net.
And that's a big comfort. It gives me freedom to take risks.
So I advise having Plan B. Not that you'd ever use it. But knowing it's there can offer you alternatives. And peace of mind.
Here's to the Risk Taker in You!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
3 Styles of Relationships: Which One is Right For You?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
A year after Lorenzo and I were married, we had a difficult time. No matter how much we loved each other, it seemed we were constantly fighting.
We couldn't agree on anything.
Not only were we challenged with the obvious...he's a man and I'm a woman...we had the added complication of Lorenzo being French/Italian and my being American. (Let's just say...I'm not fluent in French or Italian. And his English was "basic".)
I thought we were just having "communication problems". Wrong.
According to Dr. Pat Allen, we were in two completely different styles of relationships.
You might say I was in a "romantic comedy" and Lorenzo was in a "romantic tragedy". (French/Italians can be soooo dramatic!)
No wonder we weren't getting along!
We weren't even on the same stage! We were "acting" in two very different shows.
Understanding our Style of Relationship saved our marriage!
It's my bet that many couples would stay together longer if they understood they weren't in the same relationship style as each other...AND knew what to do about it!
So what Relationship Style do you prefer? And are you in the same style as your partner?
You have three choices.*
* You can change your relationship styles with days of the week (or hours in a day). The secret is to be in the SAME RELATIONSHIP at the SAME TIME as your partner.
BTW...These Styles of Relationships apply in ALL romantic relationships...Straight, Gay or Lesbian.
1. The Buddy Film
This is a relationship of equality. Both partners share 50/50 percent of the responsibility.
Both partners contribute financially. Both partners contribute to the homemaking.
Both partners want to be respected for their thinking and cherished for their feelings.
Both partners can lead. Both partners can follow. Just not at the same time.
This style of relationship works very well with dual income families, couples without children and couples who have children who have grown and gone. (It also seems to be the preferred style of the "younger generation".)
The secret to keeping romantic intimacy in a "Buddy Film" is to "cross-talk" with your partner.
When one partner wants to be respected for his or her thinking, he/she must ask how their partner feels about it.
The same is true when one partner wants to share feelings. It's best if he/she asks what their partner thinks.
If you tell your partner what you think then ask what he/she thinks...you're striking a business deal.
Sharing feelings to feelings is a friendship.
(Not saying you can't have "business deals" and "friendships" inside of a romantic relationship...there are appropriate moments for sure...just be aware!)
2. Romantic Tragedy
This is the most passionate Style of Relationship. By far the most dramatic.
And it can be a lot of fun.
Until your body gives out and your emotions are crazed.
And you could die.
Seriously. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
A Romantic Tragedy is your classic "co-dependent" relationship. It's often known as "Master/Slave".
It's a relationship style where one partner is respected for his/her thoughts AND feelings. And the other partner gets no vote.
Then the roles change.
"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you."
You come, you go, you come, you go.
Well...You get the idea.
3. Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy is the most intimate Style of Relationship.
It's also the most clumsy.
You're more likely to stumble over your partner's toes.
A Romantic Comedy is like a waltz. It's a relationship with one designated leader and one designated follower.
In DUTY DATING, I used the example of one designated driver and one designated passenger.
The driver of the relationship is respected for his/her thoughts.
The passenger is cherished for her/his feelings.
The driver makes the plan. The passenger expresses how she/he feels about it.*
* The power of the passenger is the "Veto" vote. When anything doesn't feel good or is illegal, immoral or unethical, the passenger can say "NO WAY".
REMEMBER: If you have two drivers in a relationship, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere.
So you gotta decide.
Which Style of Relationship is Right For You?
A year after Lorenzo and I were married, we had a difficult time. No matter how much we loved each other, it seemed we were constantly fighting.
We couldn't agree on anything.
Not only were we challenged with the obvious...he's a man and I'm a woman...we had the added complication of Lorenzo being French/Italian and my being American. (Let's just say...I'm not fluent in French or Italian. And his English was "basic".)
I thought we were just having "communication problems". Wrong.
According to Dr. Pat Allen, we were in two completely different styles of relationships.
You might say I was in a "romantic comedy" and Lorenzo was in a "romantic tragedy". (French/Italians can be soooo dramatic!)
No wonder we weren't getting along!
We weren't even on the same stage! We were "acting" in two very different shows.
Understanding our Style of Relationship saved our marriage!
It's my bet that many couples would stay together longer if they understood they weren't in the same relationship style as each other...AND knew what to do about it!
So what Relationship Style do you prefer? And are you in the same style as your partner?
You have three choices.*
* You can change your relationship styles with days of the week (or hours in a day). The secret is to be in the SAME RELATIONSHIP at the SAME TIME as your partner.
BTW...These Styles of Relationships apply in ALL romantic relationships...Straight, Gay or Lesbian.
1. The Buddy Film
This is a relationship of equality. Both partners share 50/50 percent of the responsibility.
Both partners contribute financially. Both partners contribute to the homemaking.
Both partners want to be respected for their thinking and cherished for their feelings.
Both partners can lead. Both partners can follow. Just not at the same time.
This style of relationship works very well with dual income families, couples without children and couples who have children who have grown and gone. (It also seems to be the preferred style of the "younger generation".)
The secret to keeping romantic intimacy in a "Buddy Film" is to "cross-talk" with your partner.
When one partner wants to be respected for his or her thinking, he/she must ask how their partner feels about it.
The same is true when one partner wants to share feelings. It's best if he/she asks what their partner thinks.
If you tell your partner what you think then ask what he/she thinks...you're striking a business deal.
Sharing feelings to feelings is a friendship.
(Not saying you can't have "business deals" and "friendships" inside of a romantic relationship...there are appropriate moments for sure...just be aware!)
2. Romantic Tragedy
This is the most passionate Style of Relationship. By far the most dramatic.
And it can be a lot of fun.
Until your body gives out and your emotions are crazed.
And you could die.
Seriously. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
A Romantic Tragedy is your classic "co-dependent" relationship. It's often known as "Master/Slave".
It's a relationship style where one partner is respected for his/her thoughts AND feelings. And the other partner gets no vote.
Then the roles change.
"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you."
You come, you go, you come, you go.
Well...You get the idea.
3. Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy is the most intimate Style of Relationship.
It's also the most clumsy.
You're more likely to stumble over your partner's toes.
A Romantic Comedy is like a waltz. It's a relationship with one designated leader and one designated follower.
In DUTY DATING, I used the example of one designated driver and one designated passenger.
The driver of the relationship is respected for his/her thoughts.
The passenger is cherished for her/his feelings.
The driver makes the plan. The passenger expresses how she/he feels about it.*
* The power of the passenger is the "Veto" vote. When anything doesn't feel good or is illegal, immoral or unethical, the passenger can say "NO WAY".
REMEMBER: If you have two drivers in a relationship, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere.
So you gotta decide.
Which Style of Relationship is Right For You?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
7 Essential Habits for Loving Your Life
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last summer I received an e-mail from my cousin titled, "5 Essential Habits to Protect Your Most Essential Commodity...YOU." (The author wasn't mentioned, although they referenced the Girl Scouts.)
At the time, I was "releasing a toleration" in my life and this article hit home. It validated my decision to end a long-term friendship that was no longer working.
Although I've embellished the article (and added 2 habits of my own) the premise of this message is clear...YOU are your most valuable commodity. You need to invest in it and protect it.
And be in the habit of Loving Your Life.
1. Take Care of YOU First.
Always. No matter what. No excuses.
If you do something for someone else without taking care of yourself first, you'll resent it. And you'll end up punishing yourself.
Workout. Eat well. Relax. Take care of your body. Take time out. Keep away from toxic people and toxic situations. If you don't feel good, you aren't good...for anybody. Most importantly...for yourself.
REMEMBER: The Feminine mantra is: "I FEEL Good to DO good."
Masculine is the opposite: "I DO Good to FEEL Good."
2. Don't Do Everything Alone.
It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's usually not worth it.
And it's impossible.
Ask for help. Find support. Delegate. Or simply don't do it.
If you're overworked and overwhelmed, you're not good for anybody...most importantly...yourself. (Sound familiar?)
(Good. You're gettin' it!)
3. Learn to Say "NO".
I can NEVER say this enough! The power of the feminine comes from saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, illegal or unethical.
It is also saying "NO" to anything that doesn't FEEL good.
"No. I don't feel like working this hard."
"No. I don't feel like picking up after Your mess."
"No. I don't want to go out because I feel tired."
I don't know why saying "NO" is soooooo hard for many of us. But saying "NO" can often support the greater good of "yes".
Saying "NO" to other people's requests helps us achieve our more important goals...specifically taking care of ourselves.
Believe me. It's okay. You will still be loved when you say "NO" because you simply can't (or won't) do it all.
4. Prioritize.
Know what's important. And more importantly...what's NOT.
If it doesn't fit with your passion, values and goals, don't do it.
No matter what.
Someone else will do it (if it really needs to be done) and everything will be just fine. I promise.
5. Accept. Reject. But NEVER TOLERATE.
Accept a person or a situation for who or what it is. Or walk away from it.
NEVER tolerate a person or situation. NEVER. Toleration will hurt you. It will destroy the relationship anyway. And it can make you sick.
Tolerations are the things that you "put up" with. Incomplete decisions. Negative people. Broken agreements. Petty annoyances. Irritants.
Basically, everything that gets on your nerves is toleration.
Get rid of your tolerations. Or make a plan to accept them.
6. Go Where You're Wanted
People who need people are lucky people.
People who want people who don't want them are unworthy people.
Stay away from people and places where you don't feel wanted. Or appreciated. Or acknowledged.
Life is so much easier when you put yourself with people and in situations where you're wanted.
People who like you and want you will make you feel good. Go with them. Godspeed.
7. Talk Less. Listen More.
(This is a really hard one.) But talking is exhausting.
It's easier to listen. You don't work so hard. And you learn things.
When you listen you can see the person for who he is. You can see what he has to offer. You can see what he doesn't.
Masculine men appreciate women who listen...so listen up, girls! Show him respect by appreciating his ideas and what he gives you.
Your rewards will be enormous.
In more ways than you can imagine.
Believe me.:)
Last summer I received an e-mail from my cousin titled, "5 Essential Habits to Protect Your Most Essential Commodity...YOU." (The author wasn't mentioned, although they referenced the Girl Scouts.)
At the time, I was "releasing a toleration" in my life and this article hit home. It validated my decision to end a long-term friendship that was no longer working.
Although I've embellished the article (and added 2 habits of my own) the premise of this message is clear...YOU are your most valuable commodity. You need to invest in it and protect it.
And be in the habit of Loving Your Life.
1. Take Care of YOU First.
Always. No matter what. No excuses.
If you do something for someone else without taking care of yourself first, you'll resent it. And you'll end up punishing yourself.
Workout. Eat well. Relax. Take care of your body. Take time out. Keep away from toxic people and toxic situations. If you don't feel good, you aren't good...for anybody. Most importantly...for yourself.
REMEMBER: The Feminine mantra is: "I FEEL Good to DO good."
Masculine is the opposite: "I DO Good to FEEL Good."
2. Don't Do Everything Alone.
It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's usually not worth it.
And it's impossible.
Ask for help. Find support. Delegate. Or simply don't do it.
If you're overworked and overwhelmed, you're not good for anybody...most importantly...yourself. (Sound familiar?)
(Good. You're gettin' it!)
3. Learn to Say "NO".
I can NEVER say this enough! The power of the feminine comes from saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, illegal or unethical.
It is also saying "NO" to anything that doesn't FEEL good.
"No. I don't feel like working this hard."
"No. I don't feel like picking up after Your mess."
"No. I don't want to go out because I feel tired."
I don't know why saying "NO" is soooooo hard for many of us. But saying "NO" can often support the greater good of "yes".
Saying "NO" to other people's requests helps us achieve our more important goals...specifically taking care of ourselves.
Believe me. It's okay. You will still be loved when you say "NO" because you simply can't (or won't) do it all.
4. Prioritize.
Know what's important. And more importantly...what's NOT.
If it doesn't fit with your passion, values and goals, don't do it.
No matter what.
Someone else will do it (if it really needs to be done) and everything will be just fine. I promise.
5. Accept. Reject. But NEVER TOLERATE.
Accept a person or a situation for who or what it is. Or walk away from it.
NEVER tolerate a person or situation. NEVER. Toleration will hurt you. It will destroy the relationship anyway. And it can make you sick.
Tolerations are the things that you "put up" with. Incomplete decisions. Negative people. Broken agreements. Petty annoyances. Irritants.
Basically, everything that gets on your nerves is toleration.
Get rid of your tolerations. Or make a plan to accept them.
6. Go Where You're Wanted
People who need people are lucky people.
People who want people who don't want them are unworthy people.
Stay away from people and places where you don't feel wanted. Or appreciated. Or acknowledged.
Life is so much easier when you put yourself with people and in situations where you're wanted.
People who like you and want you will make you feel good. Go with them. Godspeed.
7. Talk Less. Listen More.
(This is a really hard one.) But talking is exhausting.
It's easier to listen. You don't work so hard. And you learn things.
When you listen you can see the person for who he is. You can see what he has to offer. You can see what he doesn't.
Masculine men appreciate women who listen...so listen up, girls! Show him respect by appreciating his ideas and what he gives you.
Your rewards will be enormous.
In more ways than you can imagine.
Believe me.:)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The "Love Life" Diet: 6 Ways to Look Great & Maintain Your Weight
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I love it when people tell me, "You're so lucky. You've never had a weight problem."
Ha! Little do they know!
I struggled with diets and weight gain for YEARS! I've been on Weight Watchers, Nutri-system, Jenny Craig, the Hotdog diet, the Grapefruit diet, the Cabbage diet...to name a FEW! Some of them worked...for a while. Most of them made me crazy!
Although I'll never be a "skinny minny", I have grown to respect my body (most of the time). And even though I am not a "diet and nutrition expert", I've discovered 6 non-obsessive ways to feel great and maintain a comfortable body weight.
I call it the "Love Life" Diet.
1. Throw Away Your Scale
Your weight is a useless piece of data. Muscle weighs more than fat anyway. And just because you're "skinnier" doesn't mean you're "healthier".
Now...the thought of tossing your scale may freak you out! (It did me at first.)
I'd been slave to that flat piece of metal since my adolescence. (One Christmas I came home from college after gaining 30 pounds my first semester freshman year. My father threw me on the bathroom scale so I could "put my weight before me". Talk about horrifying!) (And embarrassing!)
But still...throwing away my scale was one of the scariest things I've ever done. How would I hold myself accountable? I didn't trust my body. I worried that I'd blow up to be the size of the Goodyear Blimp.
But I did it. I took the risk. I tossed that bloody scale. And I've never looked back. (In fact, when I go to the doctor's office, I turn my back when getting on the scale and WARN the assistant not to utter my tonnage, lest risk my wrath!)
I don't know my weight and I don't care. My clothes tell me when I'm puffy or thin. And I've stopped the insanity of "weighing in" on the almighty scale.
2. Express Your Feelings, Don't Stuff Them Down
Learning how to communicate your feelings in a logical rational way may be the best "Love Life" diet tip. When you're able to express your feelings, you're less likely to stuff down your emotions with food (or other substances).
It's soooooo important to be able to say what you want or what you think. Or express what you don't want or feel uncomfortable with. Even at the risk of making someone upset with you.
If you can't risk hurting someone else's feelings, you risk hurting yourself.
What your mind can't assimilate (understand) and your mouth can't articulate (say), your body will demonstrate (gaining weight).
And weight gain isn't the only price tag. Your physical, mental and emotional health will pay dearly too.
3. Listen to Your Body
Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you're full. Your body will let you know what it wants and how much.
Your body will tell you when it needs to relax or needs to move. It will tell you when it feels well and when it doesn't.
Your body knows what it craves, but often your head argues. Your "old habits" get in the way by telling you what you "should" do.
Does this sound familiar?
Body: "Ice cream."
Head: "You can't have ice cream."
Body: "Chocolate."
Head: "You're too fat."
And on and on and on...
If your body craves ice cream, eat it. Enjoy it. Stop the madness and deprivation in your head. It's just ice cream! One scoop isn't going to make you fat. (The whole carton might.)
I appreciate it takes a huge leap of faith to listen to your body over what your head thinks. (Or what someone else thinks.) But once you REALLY start paying attention to Your Body and eating what It wants, you'll never go back to "dieting" again.
4. Eat "WOW" Foods
I have two categories for food: "WOW" Food and "Filler" Food.
"WOW" food is great food! (1) Your body craves it and is so satisfied when it eats it or (2) the food is SOOOOO good that it doesn't matter if you eat more. It's worth paying the price!
"Filler" food is just that. It's food that fills you up when you're hungry. "Filler" food is fuel. It gives you energy. "Filler" food is easier to say "no" to when you're full.
I do my best to eat "WOW" food...because I hate wasting stomach space with "filler" food. When I satisfy my cravings, I feel better. I don't obsess and I'm not deprived.
It cracks me up when a friend comments on the dessert tray..."Oh, that looks so good, but I can't eat it. It's too fattening."
Well...yes. And no. Who says you have to eat the whole thing? Personally, I'd rather have a few bites of a fabulous "WOW" than a whole lot of "low fat filler" that tastes like crap.
I don't know how it works, but eating real "WOW" food...no matter how "fattening" it is...fills me up quicker and satisfies me more without the weight gain.
5. Don't Panic If You Gain a Few Pounds
Like tides of the sea, weight comes and goes. DON'T PANIC if you start to feel yourself getting a little heavier!
Years ago, I beat myself up if I gained weight. I punished my body by starving or eating yucky "health" food that I hated. I gave myself mental bashings about how unworthy I was or undisciplined or fat.
The result: I gained more weight.
Not any more!
Now, when I notice myself eating more...and my clothes are getting tighter...and I feel that extra "pudge" around my waist...
I say to myself, "Cherry, you're eating too much. What's going on? Is there something stressing you out? Something you need to say? Or do you just need to control your portion size (or stop drinking wine for a while)? Do you really WANT that second piece of pie? How's it going to feel after you eat it?"
If I reeeaaaalllly want it, I eat it. But I'm used to my body telling me when it's full and I can always have it LATER if I don't eat it now.
That's a big key...knowing you aren't depriving yourself. That you can have ANYTHING you want...as long as your body tells you it's hungry.
6. Move Your Butt!
If you think "exercise is boring" or "don't have time", you haven't found the "WOW" of exercise.
Getting in the habit of moving your body is one of the best things you'll ever do for yourself.
Good Morning America recently said, "If you walk 30 minutes, five days a week, you will extend your life. (I forget for how many years.) (Sorry.) Walking is easy and cheap and the payoffs are enormous!
I combine walking with The Bar Method because I like the toning, strengthening and flexibility the class offers. (Plus the music is great and the teachers are cute!)
Like any habit, starting to exercise can take a couple months to integrate into your routine. I don't need to preach to you about the benefits of exercise. You already know it helps your heart, gives you a glowing complexion and decreases your appetite.
For me, exercise feels great. I'm not one of those "gotta get results" people (although I do look better by doing it). If I don't feel high energy during my class or walk, I don't push it. Just showing up and doing it is good enough for me. I listen to my body and it tells me how hard it wants to work.
So get up and move! Believe me, your butt will thank you!
I love it when people tell me, "You're so lucky. You've never had a weight problem."
Ha! Little do they know!
I struggled with diets and weight gain for YEARS! I've been on Weight Watchers, Nutri-system, Jenny Craig, the Hotdog diet, the Grapefruit diet, the Cabbage diet...to name a FEW! Some of them worked...for a while. Most of them made me crazy!
Although I'll never be a "skinny minny", I have grown to respect my body (most of the time). And even though I am not a "diet and nutrition expert", I've discovered 6 non-obsessive ways to feel great and maintain a comfortable body weight.
I call it the "Love Life" Diet.
1. Throw Away Your Scale
Your weight is a useless piece of data. Muscle weighs more than fat anyway. And just because you're "skinnier" doesn't mean you're "healthier".
Now...the thought of tossing your scale may freak you out! (It did me at first.)
I'd been slave to that flat piece of metal since my adolescence. (One Christmas I came home from college after gaining 30 pounds my first semester freshman year. My father threw me on the bathroom scale so I could "put my weight before me". Talk about horrifying!) (And embarrassing!)
But still...throwing away my scale was one of the scariest things I've ever done. How would I hold myself accountable? I didn't trust my body. I worried that I'd blow up to be the size of the Goodyear Blimp.
But I did it. I took the risk. I tossed that bloody scale. And I've never looked back. (In fact, when I go to the doctor's office, I turn my back when getting on the scale and WARN the assistant not to utter my tonnage, lest risk my wrath!)
I don't know my weight and I don't care. My clothes tell me when I'm puffy or thin. And I've stopped the insanity of "weighing in" on the almighty scale.
2. Express Your Feelings, Don't Stuff Them Down
Learning how to communicate your feelings in a logical rational way may be the best "Love Life" diet tip. When you're able to express your feelings, you're less likely to stuff down your emotions with food (or other substances).
It's soooooo important to be able to say what you want or what you think. Or express what you don't want or feel uncomfortable with. Even at the risk of making someone upset with you.
If you can't risk hurting someone else's feelings, you risk hurting yourself.
What your mind can't assimilate (understand) and your mouth can't articulate (say), your body will demonstrate (gaining weight).
And weight gain isn't the only price tag. Your physical, mental and emotional health will pay dearly too.
3. Listen to Your Body
Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you're full. Your body will let you know what it wants and how much.
Your body will tell you when it needs to relax or needs to move. It will tell you when it feels well and when it doesn't.
Your body knows what it craves, but often your head argues. Your "old habits" get in the way by telling you what you "should" do.
Does this sound familiar?
Body: "Ice cream."
Head: "You can't have ice cream."
Body: "Chocolate."
Head: "You're too fat."
And on and on and on...
If your body craves ice cream, eat it. Enjoy it. Stop the madness and deprivation in your head. It's just ice cream! One scoop isn't going to make you fat. (The whole carton might.)
I appreciate it takes a huge leap of faith to listen to your body over what your head thinks. (Or what someone else thinks.) But once you REALLY start paying attention to Your Body and eating what It wants, you'll never go back to "dieting" again.
4. Eat "WOW" Foods
I have two categories for food: "WOW" Food and "Filler" Food.
"WOW" food is great food! (1) Your body craves it and is so satisfied when it eats it or (2) the food is SOOOOO good that it doesn't matter if you eat more. It's worth paying the price!
"Filler" food is just that. It's food that fills you up when you're hungry. "Filler" food is fuel. It gives you energy. "Filler" food is easier to say "no" to when you're full.
I do my best to eat "WOW" food...because I hate wasting stomach space with "filler" food. When I satisfy my cravings, I feel better. I don't obsess and I'm not deprived.
It cracks me up when a friend comments on the dessert tray..."Oh, that looks so good, but I can't eat it. It's too fattening."
Well...yes. And no. Who says you have to eat the whole thing? Personally, I'd rather have a few bites of a fabulous "WOW" than a whole lot of "low fat filler" that tastes like crap.
I don't know how it works, but eating real "WOW" food...no matter how "fattening" it is...fills me up quicker and satisfies me more without the weight gain.
5. Don't Panic If You Gain a Few Pounds
Like tides of the sea, weight comes and goes. DON'T PANIC if you start to feel yourself getting a little heavier!
Years ago, I beat myself up if I gained weight. I punished my body by starving or eating yucky "health" food that I hated. I gave myself mental bashings about how unworthy I was or undisciplined or fat.
The result: I gained more weight.
Not any more!
Now, when I notice myself eating more...and my clothes are getting tighter...and I feel that extra "pudge" around my waist...
I say to myself, "Cherry, you're eating too much. What's going on? Is there something stressing you out? Something you need to say? Or do you just need to control your portion size (or stop drinking wine for a while)? Do you really WANT that second piece of pie? How's it going to feel after you eat it?"
If I reeeaaaalllly want it, I eat it. But I'm used to my body telling me when it's full and I can always have it LATER if I don't eat it now.
That's a big key...knowing you aren't depriving yourself. That you can have ANYTHING you want...as long as your body tells you it's hungry.
6. Move Your Butt!
If you think "exercise is boring" or "don't have time", you haven't found the "WOW" of exercise.
Getting in the habit of moving your body is one of the best things you'll ever do for yourself.
Good Morning America recently said, "If you walk 30 minutes, five days a week, you will extend your life. (I forget for how many years.) (Sorry.) Walking is easy and cheap and the payoffs are enormous!
I combine walking with The Bar Method because I like the toning, strengthening and flexibility the class offers. (Plus the music is great and the teachers are cute!)
Like any habit, starting to exercise can take a couple months to integrate into your routine. I don't need to preach to you about the benefits of exercise. You already know it helps your heart, gives you a glowing complexion and decreases your appetite.
For me, exercise feels great. I'm not one of those "gotta get results" people (although I do look better by doing it). If I don't feel high energy during my class or walk, I don't push it. Just showing up and doing it is good enough for me. I listen to my body and it tells me how hard it wants to work.
So get up and move! Believe me, your butt will thank you!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
How to Love Life & Look Good Through the Holidays!
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
I am a holiday person. Always have been. Christmas was a big deal in our family. (And I'm a December baby, thus twice the fun.)
Mother was (and still is) a big Christmas person. She relishes in the ceremony of decorating the house, buying the perfect gifts, planning our Christmas Eve dinner, attending the candlelight service and celebrating with ALL our family...cousins, aunts and uncles.
My sister, Laura, is a "keep it simple" person, but I'm like Mother. I like my home to look festive. I love decorating the tree. I enjoy planning a cocktail party or sit down dinner. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE wrapping gifts. (I do Not love writing Christmas cards, however I do love receiving them!)
I appreciate not everyone relishes in celebrating the holidays. There are years when I've taken "time off" and not had a tree or hosted a party, but I do my best to celebrate the season in some way.
Regardless of where you are or what you're doing in this "time of cheer", here are 5 gift ideas you can give yourself as well as others.
1. Give Presence
How you show up, how you enter a room, whether it's on a date or attending a party, can determine the level of success (or lack of success) for your evening.
Giving presence is doing your best to look good, feel good, taste good, smell good and sound good when you're going out.
Wear something you feel GREAT in! Take an exercise class after work or listen to soothing music while driving. If possible, take a bath or a quick nap before going out. (When I'm short on time, I brush my teeth for instant refreshment.)
When you're out, Speak Respectfully. Even if you don't agree with what someone says, giving him the courtesy of listening is giving presence to the moment.
(BTW...Giving presents are nice too.:))
2. Give Back
This "gift" is especially important for all you "feminine" ladies who LOVE giving to your men! Whether it's a phone call or a card or a gift...I can't stress enough that if you want to keep your man in a position of Respect, DO NOT give as much as he does. I repeat...DO NOT!
If you give equally, you risk neutralizing the relationship. If you give more, he's indebted to you and that's not a price tag he's gonna wanna pay...Nor YOU! You risk becoming "big mama" and he will NEVER live up to your expectations! Ever!
NEWS FLASH: Men typically don't have the "heart warming fuzzies" women feel around the holidays. You may think it's important you get him that nice gift or send him a card, but unless he gives first, I don't advise it.
(ONE Exception: If you want to take a risk on "jump starting" a new relationship with a man you haven't heard from in the past two months, send him a card and see if you hear from him. If you don't, move on. He's gone.)
Giving back a little less may make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Believe me...a masculine man will always feel better about giving more to his feminine woman.*
* Ladies, if you want to be the more generous giver, then by all means, give more. It's your choice. Just be conscious of your "role". Masculine "givers" are usually with feminine "receivers" in EVERY romantic relationship...regardless of gender.
3. Give a Smile
Smiles are easy and cheap. And smiles make you look good. Like the song says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile". So don't leave home without one!
The funny thing about a smile is, even when you don't feel like smiling, when you do it, it makes you feel better. Try it. Push up the corners of your mouth (use your fingers if necessary) and see what happens.
Nothing? Do it again.
And again.
Once more...
Starting to feel it? Good. Keep it on! :)
4. Give a Compliment
My father used to say, "Give three sincere compliments a day and people will like you and remember you."
My husband tells me daily how beautiful I look...even without my make-up. (Gasp!)
Lorenzo also tells the women he works with, "Que bella...how beautiful you are." (Yes, yes, he's a charmer.) More than that, Lorenzo knows that compliments make the women feel better and in return they like and respect him. And that makes him look good and feel good!
Give compliments of appreciation when someone does something nice for you. Appreciate the date that takes you to a concert or a friend who invites you to a party. Thank the busboy that filled your water glass or the security guard who held the door open to the store.
People feel good when they're acknowledged and that's You giving a great gift.
5. Give Thanks
It's a cliche expression because it works. If you're thankful for what you have...you'll feel much more comfortable than focusing on what you don't have.
(I'd love to have a second home in Aspen and a private jet to fly us there. Focusing on it makes me depressed.)
Instead, I'm thankful to have my survival needs met. I'm thankful for my husband (that I worked looooonnnnngggg and hard to have). I'm thankful for my family (they're not perfect people, but there's a lot of love). I have my health. I have my faith. I have creative outlets, my friends, etc... I'm thankful every day.
I appreciate your frustration if you're single and want a relationship...especially during the holidays. It's the time of year when it seems like every ad or TV show promotes lovers and families warmly celebrating together and everybody has somebody but you! It's not true...but that's what sells.
Everybody has his or her stuff. EVERYBODY. By focusing on what you don't have, you're more likely to attract more of that...what you don't have. Focus instead on what you do have and be grateful for the relationship (or money or whatever) that's coming into your life.
A great story about "giving thanks" involves my friend, Lisa.
Six months ago, Lisa had an accident leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors said it was uncertain she would ever walk again. Lisa has not given up. Since May, her road to recovery has been slow and painful. Now she's walking (with help) and she's driving (with hand gears) and more importantly, she's grateful.
For what? You may ask.
Many of us would cry and complain in this situation.
Not Lisa. Lisa feels blessed. Lisa feels grateful for her Mother (who moved in to help for four months) and for her friends (who've cleaned her house). She appreciates having to "slow down" after working 30 years in the TV industry. Now Lisa has time to enjoy her home, her animals and nap when she's tired. She's just starting back to work in her new home office. And she continues to give thanks.
Lisa is an inspiration.
So this Holiday Season, may you Love Life and Look Good with the many gifts you give and receive.
I am a holiday person. Always have been. Christmas was a big deal in our family. (And I'm a December baby, thus twice the fun.)
Mother was (and still is) a big Christmas person. She relishes in the ceremony of decorating the house, buying the perfect gifts, planning our Christmas Eve dinner, attending the candlelight service and celebrating with ALL our family...cousins, aunts and uncles.
My sister, Laura, is a "keep it simple" person, but I'm like Mother. I like my home to look festive. I love decorating the tree. I enjoy planning a cocktail party or sit down dinner. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE wrapping gifts. (I do Not love writing Christmas cards, however I do love receiving them!)
I appreciate not everyone relishes in celebrating the holidays. There are years when I've taken "time off" and not had a tree or hosted a party, but I do my best to celebrate the season in some way.
Regardless of where you are or what you're doing in this "time of cheer", here are 5 gift ideas you can give yourself as well as others.
1. Give Presence
How you show up, how you enter a room, whether it's on a date or attending a party, can determine the level of success (or lack of success) for your evening.
Giving presence is doing your best to look good, feel good, taste good, smell good and sound good when you're going out.
Wear something you feel GREAT in! Take an exercise class after work or listen to soothing music while driving. If possible, take a bath or a quick nap before going out. (When I'm short on time, I brush my teeth for instant refreshment.)
When you're out, Speak Respectfully. Even if you don't agree with what someone says, giving him the courtesy of listening is giving presence to the moment.
(BTW...Giving presents are nice too.:))
2. Give Back
This "gift" is especially important for all you "feminine" ladies who LOVE giving to your men! Whether it's a phone call or a card or a gift...I can't stress enough that if you want to keep your man in a position of Respect, DO NOT give as much as he does. I repeat...DO NOT!
If you give equally, you risk neutralizing the relationship. If you give more, he's indebted to you and that's not a price tag he's gonna wanna pay...Nor YOU! You risk becoming "big mama" and he will NEVER live up to your expectations! Ever!
NEWS FLASH: Men typically don't have the "heart warming fuzzies" women feel around the holidays. You may think it's important you get him that nice gift or send him a card, but unless he gives first, I don't advise it.
(ONE Exception: If you want to take a risk on "jump starting" a new relationship with a man you haven't heard from in the past two months, send him a card and see if you hear from him. If you don't, move on. He's gone.)
Giving back a little less may make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Believe me...a masculine man will always feel better about giving more to his feminine woman.*
* Ladies, if you want to be the more generous giver, then by all means, give more. It's your choice. Just be conscious of your "role". Masculine "givers" are usually with feminine "receivers" in EVERY romantic relationship...regardless of gender.
3. Give a Smile
Smiles are easy and cheap. And smiles make you look good. Like the song says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile". So don't leave home without one!
The funny thing about a smile is, even when you don't feel like smiling, when you do it, it makes you feel better. Try it. Push up the corners of your mouth (use your fingers if necessary) and see what happens.
Nothing? Do it again.
And again.
Once more...
Starting to feel it? Good. Keep it on! :)
4. Give a Compliment
My father used to say, "Give three sincere compliments a day and people will like you and remember you."
My husband tells me daily how beautiful I look...even without my make-up. (Gasp!)
Lorenzo also tells the women he works with, "Que bella...how beautiful you are." (Yes, yes, he's a charmer.) More than that, Lorenzo knows that compliments make the women feel better and in return they like and respect him. And that makes him look good and feel good!
Give compliments of appreciation when someone does something nice for you. Appreciate the date that takes you to a concert or a friend who invites you to a party. Thank the busboy that filled your water glass or the security guard who held the door open to the store.
People feel good when they're acknowledged and that's You giving a great gift.
5. Give Thanks
It's a cliche expression because it works. If you're thankful for what you have...you'll feel much more comfortable than focusing on what you don't have.
(I'd love to have a second home in Aspen and a private jet to fly us there. Focusing on it makes me depressed.)
Instead, I'm thankful to have my survival needs met. I'm thankful for my husband (that I worked looooonnnnngggg and hard to have). I'm thankful for my family (they're not perfect people, but there's a lot of love). I have my health. I have my faith. I have creative outlets, my friends, etc... I'm thankful every day.
I appreciate your frustration if you're single and want a relationship...especially during the holidays. It's the time of year when it seems like every ad or TV show promotes lovers and families warmly celebrating together and everybody has somebody but you! It's not true...but that's what sells.
Everybody has his or her stuff. EVERYBODY. By focusing on what you don't have, you're more likely to attract more of that...what you don't have. Focus instead on what you do have and be grateful for the relationship (or money or whatever) that's coming into your life.
A great story about "giving thanks" involves my friend, Lisa.
Six months ago, Lisa had an accident leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors said it was uncertain she would ever walk again. Lisa has not given up. Since May, her road to recovery has been slow and painful. Now she's walking (with help) and she's driving (with hand gears) and more importantly, she's grateful.
For what? You may ask.
Many of us would cry and complain in this situation.
Not Lisa. Lisa feels blessed. Lisa feels grateful for her Mother (who moved in to help for four months) and for her friends (who've cleaned her house). She appreciates having to "slow down" after working 30 years in the TV industry. Now Lisa has time to enjoy her home, her animals and nap when she's tired. She's just starting back to work in her new home office. And she continues to give thanks.
Lisa is an inspiration.
So this Holiday Season, may you Love Life and Look Good with the many gifts you give and receive.
Friday, November 30, 2007
3 Simple Steps to Getting Your Needs Met
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last week, Lorenzo and I attended our neighbor's surprise birthday party.
Over a glass of Prosecco (our favorite Italian sparkling wine...yum!), Linda, the birthday girl, told me of a wedding shower she is giving for her friend's daughter in January. As an "entertaining aficionado", Linda thrives on party planning and is a great host. She was planning a sit down dinner around our pool.
Beautiful. Romantic. Right? WRONG.
Three more "friends" want to help host Linda's shower. Each "friend" brought a different vision (and a different price tag) for the party.
One changed the location. One redesigned the invite. One ordered fabric to make a quilted Jewish hoopa (a canopy for the bride and groom)...and since she's leaving town, Linda's left sewing it together. (Linda's not Jewish.) (Not that it matters.)
Linda didn't know what to do (or say) to the "friends" who redesigned her shower. Now she's feeling stuck, overwhelmed and responsible for a party she's no longer in control of.
What started as a celebration of love has turned into a collaboration of disagreements, mixed agendas and impositions on Linda.
But what can she do?
Here are three choices:
1. First, Linda can accept she's no longer in control and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get through the party...and swear she'll NEVER do it again. Right.
HELLO! If Linda doesn't get what to do now, you can bet she'll find herself in this situation again. (And again.) (And again.)
2. Second, Linda can take a stand for what she will or will not do.
3. Third, Linda can "tolerate" it. If Linda chooses to tolerate the situation, she risks getting sick or feeling resentful. Or both. (Not the best choice.)
Let's say Linda gathers her courage and decides not to make the hoopa. She takes a risk on Getting her Needs Met (so she might actually enjoy the party).
What she does is: "Caress, Express and Address"
1. Caress
My Aunt Nancy used to say, "If you want to give someone a criticism, start with a compliment."
Dr. Pat Allen calls it a "stroke".
I say, "Caress" (because it rhymes with Express & Address:))
When you "caress" someone, you're giving the person the right to be a human being and doing things their way...even if You think it's wrong. Everybody has a right to be wrong. (Yes, even him) (So does she) (Yes, I know.)
Start with something like, "You have every right to do this, be that, have whatever or say what you just did..." Or give them a compliment like, "I think you're great, your ideas are interesting, etc..."
Linda could say, "I appreciate your idea for a hoopa..."
2. Express
Then "Express" what you want or don't want.
Say what you think. Or express what you don't feel uncomfortable with.
Use phrases like, "I want that, I see it like this, I don't feel the same way, I feel disrespected when you're late, etc..."
Linda can express, "I don't want the responsibility of making the hoopa while you're away."
3. Address
Then "Address" it. Deal with the problem between you by making an agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, a "Price Tag" must be determined.
In other words, what is the cost of a non-negotiable or a broken agreement? (Generally a non-negotiable is just that. It cannot be negotiated. So you either agree to disagree or it's the end of the relationship.)
Ask something like, "How do you feel about re-scheduling? What do you think about not doing that behavior when you're around me?" Or state the cost for a broken agreement, "I will not be here if you're late again, etc..."
Linda could say, "You'll need to find someone else to make the hoopa because I'm doing the table arrangements."
"Price Tag" for Linda's not making the hoopa: There may be no hoopa. (Not Linda's problem now, is it?) If the "friend" wants a hoopa, she'll find another way to make it.
Yes, Linda risks the "friend" getting upset, but what is Linda's "Price Tag" for agreeing to do something she doesn't want to do? Resentment. Anger. Feeling sick. Or worse...
If Linda states her terms and her "friend" accepts it, they've reached a greater understanding and respect of each other...thus deepening their relationship.
"Caressing, Expressing and Addressing" allows you to make an agreement with your date, partner or friend and take your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. (If an agreement is broken, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Simply make a new agreement and do your best to honor it.)
Remember...the only way we know we love ourselves and others is by the agreements we make and are willing to keep.
For more coaching in "Getting Your Needs Met" in Romantic Relationships order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship CD series.
Last week, Lorenzo and I attended our neighbor's surprise birthday party.
Over a glass of Prosecco (our favorite Italian sparkling wine...yum!), Linda, the birthday girl, told me of a wedding shower she is giving for her friend's daughter in January. As an "entertaining aficionado", Linda thrives on party planning and is a great host. She was planning a sit down dinner around our pool.
Beautiful. Romantic. Right? WRONG.
Three more "friends" want to help host Linda's shower. Each "friend" brought a different vision (and a different price tag) for the party.
One changed the location. One redesigned the invite. One ordered fabric to make a quilted Jewish hoopa (a canopy for the bride and groom)...and since she's leaving town, Linda's left sewing it together. (Linda's not Jewish.) (Not that it matters.)
Linda didn't know what to do (or say) to the "friends" who redesigned her shower. Now she's feeling stuck, overwhelmed and responsible for a party she's no longer in control of.
What started as a celebration of love has turned into a collaboration of disagreements, mixed agendas and impositions on Linda.
But what can she do?
Here are three choices:
1. First, Linda can accept she's no longer in control and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get through the party...and swear she'll NEVER do it again. Right.
HELLO! If Linda doesn't get what to do now, you can bet she'll find herself in this situation again. (And again.) (And again.)
2. Second, Linda can take a stand for what she will or will not do.
3. Third, Linda can "tolerate" it. If Linda chooses to tolerate the situation, she risks getting sick or feeling resentful. Or both. (Not the best choice.)
Let's say Linda gathers her courage and decides not to make the hoopa. She takes a risk on Getting her Needs Met (so she might actually enjoy the party).
What she does is: "Caress, Express and Address"
1. Caress
My Aunt Nancy used to say, "If you want to give someone a criticism, start with a compliment."
Dr. Pat Allen calls it a "stroke".
I say, "Caress" (because it rhymes with Express & Address:))
When you "caress" someone, you're giving the person the right to be a human being and doing things their way...even if You think it's wrong. Everybody has a right to be wrong. (Yes, even him) (So does she) (Yes, I know.)
Start with something like, "You have every right to do this, be that, have whatever or say what you just did..." Or give them a compliment like, "I think you're great, your ideas are interesting, etc..."
Linda could say, "I appreciate your idea for a hoopa..."
2. Express
Then "Express" what you want or don't want.
Say what you think. Or express what you don't feel uncomfortable with.
Use phrases like, "I want that, I see it like this, I don't feel the same way, I feel disrespected when you're late, etc..."
Linda can express, "I don't want the responsibility of making the hoopa while you're away."
3. Address
Then "Address" it. Deal with the problem between you by making an agreement. If an agreement cannot be reached, a "Price Tag" must be determined.
In other words, what is the cost of a non-negotiable or a broken agreement? (Generally a non-negotiable is just that. It cannot be negotiated. So you either agree to disagree or it's the end of the relationship.)
Ask something like, "How do you feel about re-scheduling? What do you think about not doing that behavior when you're around me?" Or state the cost for a broken agreement, "I will not be here if you're late again, etc..."
Linda could say, "You'll need to find someone else to make the hoopa because I'm doing the table arrangements."
"Price Tag" for Linda's not making the hoopa: There may be no hoopa. (Not Linda's problem now, is it?) If the "friend" wants a hoopa, she'll find another way to make it.
Yes, Linda risks the "friend" getting upset, but what is Linda's "Price Tag" for agreeing to do something she doesn't want to do? Resentment. Anger. Feeling sick. Or worse...
If Linda states her terms and her "friend" accepts it, they've reached a greater understanding and respect of each other...thus deepening their relationship.
"Caressing, Expressing and Addressing" allows you to make an agreement with your date, partner or friend and take your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. (If an agreement is broken, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. Simply make a new agreement and do your best to honor it.)
Remember...the only way we know we love ourselves and others is by the agreements we make and are willing to keep.
For more coaching in "Getting Your Needs Met" in Romantic Relationships order The Role of a Lifetime: How to Star in Your Own Romantic Relationship CD series.
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