by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
The beginning of a new relationship is sooooo wonderful. Everything's fun and exciting (even a tad scary). But it's such a RELIEF to FINALLY find someone you're attracted to and can connect with.
Aaaahhhh....
This is also a time when a man...when he's REALLY into a woman...can call or e-mail or text her constantly.
"I really like him," my client Jane whined. "But I don't know. It's just...he's calling me all the time."
I sensed that even though Jane was flattered, she was a bit annoyed. Like the guy was soooo into her that she was actually bothered.
Guess what, girls?
That's a GOOD thing!
You WANT a guy to keep calling and texting and e-mailing. It's when he STOPS that you start worrying!
Most guys are single-focused. And more simple-minded than women. (This is not an insult...it's the way nature made us.)
When a man is REALLY into a woman, he pretty much targets his attention towards her and wants to be with her. Constantly. That means...most of the time.
Many women don't get this. (I didn't.) (Way back when.)
Jane was overwhelmed by so much attention, that she did the exact opposite of what she really wanted to happen.
Jane thwarted her man's pursuit by not taking his calls or not being available to see him and (arrrrggghhhh) telling him that he calls to much!
And guess what?
He STOPPED calling.
And guess what?
Jane is "whining" that the guy never calls like he used to.
Duuuuhhhh!
YOU trained him into it, Jane! You were annoyed when he called! You punished him for NOT doing it YOUR way!
Ladies, Pleeeaaassse!
When God gives you a gift of manna from the heavens, say "YES. THANK-YOU. PLEASE."
Don't clobber him when he calls! Don't push him away when he's really into you! Don't thwart his efforts by telling him you can do it yourself or you don't need "that" or you can pay for it yourself! Geeezzz!
Say "Thank you" when he calls. Say "Yes!" when he invites you out for Thursday (although you want to go out on Saturday). And for God's sake, say "Please" when he offers to do something nice for you!
Ladies, if you can properly guide a man to give, protect and cherish you, EVERYBODY wins. HE wins because he feels good doing it. YOU win because you feel good receiving it.
So the next time a guy you like starts calling you TOOOOO much say, (altogether now) "Yes. Thank-you. Please." (Again..."Yes. Thank-you. Please"...and again...)
And be HAPPY when he calls you back!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
How to Divorce a Friend
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my dear friend, Lauren, whom I hadn't seen in ages. As we were catching up over burgers and salad, she asked about a friend of mine who I've known for many years.
"I don't know how she is," I answered. "I divorced her."
"What happened?" She asked incredulously.
Well...there wasn't anything that happened. And that's the difficult part.
If you've had an argument with someone or you've reached a "non-negotiable" or if life takes you in different directions, it's "easy" to end the relationship.
But when NOTHING out of the ordinary happens...when there's no reason to "break-up" other than you've outgrown the friendship, it's sticky.
"Basically," I told Lauren, "I didn't feel good when this friend called me.
I ALWAYS felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard from her.
It was ALWAYS a big 'ole ''Should' to return her call and I ALWAYS dreaded getting together because I didn't enjoy it when we did.
This friendship was an energy drain. Not a pleasant pick-me-up. So I ended it."
"Wow," Lauren said. "I'm thinking of two friends I need to divorce...but I don't know how."
Breaking off a friendship is not easy...but here are 3 ideas:
1. Don't Be As Available
If you don't want a complete "split" with your "friend," but you don't want to see them as often, simply be busy.
You're not as available. Your time is limited. And other than "you're busy"...you owe no excuses.
Often we have to see our "friends" (or our ex's) because of school or work or attending the same church or living in the same neighborhood.
The easiest thing to do is to back-off. Don't be as available.
2. Don't Have a "Conversation" About It
If you're divorcing your friend because you don't want to be friends, there's nothing to say.
To say, "I don't want to be friends anymore because I don't like you" is hurtful.
To say, "I don't want to be friends because I don't like the way you do things" you risk their response being, "I'll change. I'll do it your way".
Then you're screwed.
And you're building.
To have a "conversation" about why you can't be friends is counter productive. It simply doesn't work.
3. Don't Respond
This is a tough one. You feel like an ass.
I didn't respond to my "ex-friend" for 6 months before she got the message. And it was tough!
When she sent me a holiday card, I almost broke down and called. But in calling, I knew nothing would have changed and I would have to start the break-up all over again...later. So I didn't.
Albert Ellis, a famous American psychologist says, "People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection."
So true.
It's not easy to divorce your friends. But it can be easier than having to deal with them.
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my dear friend, Lauren, whom I hadn't seen in ages. As we were catching up over burgers and salad, she asked about a friend of mine who I've known for many years.
"I don't know how she is," I answered. "I divorced her."
"What happened?" She asked incredulously.
Well...there wasn't anything that happened. And that's the difficult part.
If you've had an argument with someone or you've reached a "non-negotiable" or if life takes you in different directions, it's "easy" to end the relationship.
But when NOTHING out of the ordinary happens...when there's no reason to "break-up" other than you've outgrown the friendship, it's sticky.
"Basically," I told Lauren, "I didn't feel good when this friend called me.
I ALWAYS felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard from her.
It was ALWAYS a big 'ole ''Should' to return her call and I ALWAYS dreaded getting together because I didn't enjoy it when we did.
This friendship was an energy drain. Not a pleasant pick-me-up. So I ended it."
"Wow," Lauren said. "I'm thinking of two friends I need to divorce...but I don't know how."
Breaking off a friendship is not easy...but here are 3 ideas:
1. Don't Be As Available
If you don't want a complete "split" with your "friend," but you don't want to see them as often, simply be busy.
You're not as available. Your time is limited. And other than "you're busy"...you owe no excuses.
Often we have to see our "friends" (or our ex's) because of school or work or attending the same church or living in the same neighborhood.
The easiest thing to do is to back-off. Don't be as available.
2. Don't Have a "Conversation" About It
If you're divorcing your friend because you don't want to be friends, there's nothing to say.
To say, "I don't want to be friends anymore because I don't like you" is hurtful.
To say, "I don't want to be friends because I don't like the way you do things" you risk their response being, "I'll change. I'll do it your way".
Then you're screwed.
And you're building.
To have a "conversation" about why you can't be friends is counter productive. It simply doesn't work.
3. Don't Respond
This is a tough one. You feel like an ass.
I didn't respond to my "ex-friend" for 6 months before she got the message. And it was tough!
When she sent me a holiday card, I almost broke down and called. But in calling, I knew nothing would have changed and I would have to start the break-up all over again...later. So I didn't.
Albert Ellis, a famous American psychologist says, "People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection."
So true.
It's not easy to divorce your friends. But it can be easier than having to deal with them.
Monday, March 10, 2008
How Falling in Love is Like Having a New Puppy
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
The night before Valentine's Day, my husband, Lorenzo, walked up the stairs carrying a small bundle of fur.
Looking up from my computer, I asked, "What's that? Is it stuffed? Is it alive?"
Lorenzo set the "fluff ball" on the floor. It barely moved. I couldn't see his eyes for all the hair.
But I knew. It's a dog.
(OMG!)
I could not believe Lorenzo did that. I could not believe he bought us a new puppy!
(Talk about taking a risk!)
But within the first week, I realized having a new puppy is very much like falling in love.
1. It's Unexpected
Just like talking about falling in love, you never really expect it when it happens. Falling in love is what you'll do someday. When you meet the right person. When you have all your affairs in order. Or after the next trip...
Then you meet him and all your plans go out the window.
I couldn't speak when Lorenzo bought me a dog. We had talked about getting a dog.
Someday.
But here it was. Live. Real. In-person.
Meeting Biscuit wasn't a WOW moment like..."Oh WOW! I'm so excited!" And I'm running around screaming, "Oh WOW!" It was more like, "Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Hell. Oh. Wow."
This is OUR dog.
This is it.
This is what "Love" is?
Oh. Wow.
2. It's Obnoxious
Like a couple kissing and fondling each other in public, not caring who's watching because they're sooooo in love...having a new puppy is just as down right obnoxious.
I've never been one of those "dog people". They're so obnoxious about their animals.
Until now.
Now, I'm an obnoxious "dog person".
And I don't care who sees it.
I want to show "my love" to everyone.
Oh, how happy we are! Isn't he cute? I share stories of our meeting with strangers. (Happy sigh.)
It's obnoxious. It's really. Really. Obnoxious.
3. It's Terrifying
In the beginning, "Love" is so fabulous. It's so new. It's so exciting!
And then you realize you have to live in real life. And "Love" has needs. But you don't know what they are, because you've just met.
You don't know each other at all. You don't know what he's thinking.
And that's when the terror hits.
And just like falling in love, you realize no matter how much you think you're prepared, you're not.
I've entertained the notion of having a dog. I like the idea of a loyal companion accompanying me on my walks. I like the idea of something cute looking up at me. I like the IDEA of having a dog.
But the reality is I know NOTHING about raising a puppy. I have no idea how to take care of it! What if I screw it up?
What if I kill it?
I told Lorenzo he couldn't go back to work until the puppy was an adult. He couldn't leave me alone with Biscuit!
It was terrifying.
(Lorenzo did leave me alone with Biscuit. I'm fine now.) (In case you were wondering.)
4. It's Difficult to Say "NO"
Just like saying "NO" to having sex too soon, it was just as difficult to say "NO" to Biscuit when he wanted to jump on the sofa.
I really, really wanted him to come to me. It would be great to cuddle with him on the sofa, but it was our second day. I had to say "NO".
Jumping on furniture is not a habit I want to encourage.
Friends couldn't belive my willpower. Most of them said, "You'll give in. You can't resist. You'll have to have him with you on your sofa."
But I knew if I let him have his way from the beginning, I'd pay for it in the long-run. I knew he wouldn't respect me.
I knew he'd walk all over me. Spoiled.
And I knew that once I said "YES" it would be very, very difficult to say "NO" again. If ever.
(Okay, I admit...I've let him up a few times, but...not EVERY time!:))
5. It's Work, but It's So Worth It
Like a romantic relationship, having a new puppy is a lot of work.
You have to tend it. It takes time. You have another responsibility in your life. With someone who has their own ideas and opinions about things.
But you're committed. And it's a priority.
With Biscuit, we bathe him, feed him, walk him, poo him, brush him, medicate him and take him to the vet.
And like a typical man, Biscuit is always in our business. He wants to be a part of Everything!
And I love it.
He's so joyful. And playful. And adorable. (Everyone thinks so!)
He's so good. (Everyone says so!)
And soooo sweet. (Everyone loves him!)
(I warned you..."It's Obnoxious!")
And I'm such a Proud Mama. (I've Never heard myself say that before!)
And although I've never experienced childbirth, I imagine holding a new baby must evoked similar sentiments.
Falling in Love...is So Worth It!
Here's to the "Loves" in Your Life!
The night before Valentine's Day, my husband, Lorenzo, walked up the stairs carrying a small bundle of fur.
Looking up from my computer, I asked, "What's that? Is it stuffed? Is it alive?"
Lorenzo set the "fluff ball" on the floor. It barely moved. I couldn't see his eyes for all the hair.
But I knew. It's a dog.
(OMG!)
I could not believe Lorenzo did that. I could not believe he bought us a new puppy!
(Talk about taking a risk!)
But within the first week, I realized having a new puppy is very much like falling in love.
1. It's Unexpected
Just like talking about falling in love, you never really expect it when it happens. Falling in love is what you'll do someday. When you meet the right person. When you have all your affairs in order. Or after the next trip...
Then you meet him and all your plans go out the window.
I couldn't speak when Lorenzo bought me a dog. We had talked about getting a dog.
Someday.
But here it was. Live. Real. In-person.
Meeting Biscuit wasn't a WOW moment like..."Oh WOW! I'm so excited!" And I'm running around screaming, "Oh WOW!" It was more like, "Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Hell. Oh. Wow."
This is OUR dog.
This is it.
This is what "Love" is?
Oh. Wow.
2. It's Obnoxious
Like a couple kissing and fondling each other in public, not caring who's watching because they're sooooo in love...having a new puppy is just as down right obnoxious.
I've never been one of those "dog people". They're so obnoxious about their animals.
Until now.
Now, I'm an obnoxious "dog person".
And I don't care who sees it.
I want to show "my love" to everyone.
Oh, how happy we are! Isn't he cute? I share stories of our meeting with strangers. (Happy sigh.)
It's obnoxious. It's really. Really. Obnoxious.
3. It's Terrifying
In the beginning, "Love" is so fabulous. It's so new. It's so exciting!
And then you realize you have to live in real life. And "Love" has needs. But you don't know what they are, because you've just met.
You don't know each other at all. You don't know what he's thinking.
And that's when the terror hits.
And just like falling in love, you realize no matter how much you think you're prepared, you're not.
I've entertained the notion of having a dog. I like the idea of a loyal companion accompanying me on my walks. I like the idea of something cute looking up at me. I like the IDEA of having a dog.
But the reality is I know NOTHING about raising a puppy. I have no idea how to take care of it! What if I screw it up?
What if I kill it?
I told Lorenzo he couldn't go back to work until the puppy was an adult. He couldn't leave me alone with Biscuit!
It was terrifying.
(Lorenzo did leave me alone with Biscuit. I'm fine now.) (In case you were wondering.)
4. It's Difficult to Say "NO"
Just like saying "NO" to having sex too soon, it was just as difficult to say "NO" to Biscuit when he wanted to jump on the sofa.
I really, really wanted him to come to me. It would be great to cuddle with him on the sofa, but it was our second day. I had to say "NO".
Jumping on furniture is not a habit I want to encourage.
Friends couldn't belive my willpower. Most of them said, "You'll give in. You can't resist. You'll have to have him with you on your sofa."
But I knew if I let him have his way from the beginning, I'd pay for it in the long-run. I knew he wouldn't respect me.
I knew he'd walk all over me. Spoiled.
And I knew that once I said "YES" it would be very, very difficult to say "NO" again. If ever.
(Okay, I admit...I've let him up a few times, but...not EVERY time!:))
5. It's Work, but It's So Worth It
Like a romantic relationship, having a new puppy is a lot of work.
You have to tend it. It takes time. You have another responsibility in your life. With someone who has their own ideas and opinions about things.
But you're committed. And it's a priority.
With Biscuit, we bathe him, feed him, walk him, poo him, brush him, medicate him and take him to the vet.
And like a typical man, Biscuit is always in our business. He wants to be a part of Everything!
And I love it.
He's so joyful. And playful. And adorable. (Everyone thinks so!)
He's so good. (Everyone says so!)
And soooo sweet. (Everyone loves him!)
(I warned you..."It's Obnoxious!")
And I'm such a Proud Mama. (I've Never heard myself say that before!)
And although I've never experienced childbirth, I imagine holding a new baby must evoked similar sentiments.
Falling in Love...is So Worth It!
Here's to the "Loves" in Your Life!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
How to "Date" Your Business Associates
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
As a Dating and Relationship Coach, I always advise my single clients to date more than one person at the same time until they're in a committed relationship.
This is a "no-brainer" for my male clients! Men, by nature are built to be polygamous...meaning it's natural for them to have more than one woman.
Not so for women.
By nature, women tend to go "prematurely monogamous". We get "glued" to a guy (especially if we have sex) before a commitment.
So as yucky as it is, it's important for a woman to have the skill set to go against her natural biological tendencies and date more than one man simultaneously in order to find a mate.
But "dating" isn't just for romance...
Recently I hired a new VA (virtual assistant). A virtual assistant is someone who has their own office space and works for clients "virtually" on-line and on the phone.
During the interview process I realized I was "Dating" my candidates.
And I realized this skill set comes in VERY handy for business.
1. Always Interview at Least THREE Candidates Before You Hire Someone (or Take a Job)
In my romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, the heroine dates three men at the same time in order to find a mate. With one, she's over-focused; two is an either/or; only with three can she keep prospective and build her relationship skills.
The same is true in business.
It's best to have at least three candidates to choose from before hiring someone. Or three companies to interview. Gives you more options. And better prospective.
2. Have at Least THREE Interviews Before Making a Decision
Nobody's normal in their first meeting...whether it's a date or a business deal. Everybody's nervous. Everybody's weird. Everybody's trying to impress.
And even though you may feel initial chemistry with someone, it could take at least three meetings for the "real person" to show up.
First impressions (although significant) aren't as important as the second and third ones.
One of my VA candidates made a GREAT first impression. Our first conversation was fantastic! I got off the phone ready to hire her. And if I had, it would have been a tremendous mistake. As great as our first meeting was, she didn't have the qualifications I needed. I didn't discover this until our third conversation.
On the other hand, my first meeting with my new VA, Geri, was frustrating. Her phone was on the blink and kept cutting in and out as we were speaking. I missed much of what she said! But by conversation two and three, she proved to be exactly what I was looking for.
3. Let 'Em Present What They Can Bring to the Table Before You Make a Commitment
A woman needs to see what a man can offer her before making a commitment.
A man needs to see how receptive a woman is to what he has to offer before making a commitment.
And in business, a person needs to see what the candidate can offer to the company (or what the company can offer) in order to make a good decision.
It's important to ask questions, but it's REALLY important to LISTEN!
What is the person or situation really offering? How does that work for you? What kind of relationship do you want? And does that person satisfy your needs or compliment your situation?
4. Prioritize Your List and Shift Status As You Go
Rank your dates and top business candidates as One, Two and Three. Then give it time to see how they shift.
If a guy doesn't call a girl, she'll forget about him and he'll drop down the list.
If a woman isn't available for a man, he'll move on to numbers two and three.
If a business associate doesn't have the chops or isn't punctual, he'll eliminate himself and the qualified candidates will emerge.
This can take time.
In my first interviews with my five VA candidates, they ranked similar. All of them had nice personalities and excellent administrative skills.
So I upped my ante.
I decided to hire a VA who had marketing experience as well. And that's where they started to differentiate. I was fortunate to hire a VA that was best suited to my needs.
So whether you're meeting someone for romance or for a business deal...always "Date" more than one! :)
As a Dating and Relationship Coach, I always advise my single clients to date more than one person at the same time until they're in a committed relationship.
This is a "no-brainer" for my male clients! Men, by nature are built to be polygamous...meaning it's natural for them to have more than one woman.
Not so for women.
By nature, women tend to go "prematurely monogamous". We get "glued" to a guy (especially if we have sex) before a commitment.
So as yucky as it is, it's important for a woman to have the skill set to go against her natural biological tendencies and date more than one man simultaneously in order to find a mate.
But "dating" isn't just for romance...
Recently I hired a new VA (virtual assistant). A virtual assistant is someone who has their own office space and works for clients "virtually" on-line and on the phone.
During the interview process I realized I was "Dating" my candidates.
And I realized this skill set comes in VERY handy for business.
1. Always Interview at Least THREE Candidates Before You Hire Someone (or Take a Job)
In my romantic comedy, DUTY DATING, the heroine dates three men at the same time in order to find a mate. With one, she's over-focused; two is an either/or; only with three can she keep prospective and build her relationship skills.
The same is true in business.
It's best to have at least three candidates to choose from before hiring someone. Or three companies to interview. Gives you more options. And better prospective.
2. Have at Least THREE Interviews Before Making a Decision
Nobody's normal in their first meeting...whether it's a date or a business deal. Everybody's nervous. Everybody's weird. Everybody's trying to impress.
And even though you may feel initial chemistry with someone, it could take at least three meetings for the "real person" to show up.
First impressions (although significant) aren't as important as the second and third ones.
One of my VA candidates made a GREAT first impression. Our first conversation was fantastic! I got off the phone ready to hire her. And if I had, it would have been a tremendous mistake. As great as our first meeting was, she didn't have the qualifications I needed. I didn't discover this until our third conversation.
On the other hand, my first meeting with my new VA, Geri, was frustrating. Her phone was on the blink and kept cutting in and out as we were speaking. I missed much of what she said! But by conversation two and three, she proved to be exactly what I was looking for.
3. Let 'Em Present What They Can Bring to the Table Before You Make a Commitment
A woman needs to see what a man can offer her before making a commitment.
A man needs to see how receptive a woman is to what he has to offer before making a commitment.
And in business, a person needs to see what the candidate can offer to the company (or what the company can offer) in order to make a good decision.
It's important to ask questions, but it's REALLY important to LISTEN!
What is the person or situation really offering? How does that work for you? What kind of relationship do you want? And does that person satisfy your needs or compliment your situation?
4. Prioritize Your List and Shift Status As You Go
Rank your dates and top business candidates as One, Two and Three. Then give it time to see how they shift.
If a guy doesn't call a girl, she'll forget about him and he'll drop down the list.
If a woman isn't available for a man, he'll move on to numbers two and three.
If a business associate doesn't have the chops or isn't punctual, he'll eliminate himself and the qualified candidates will emerge.
This can take time.
In my first interviews with my five VA candidates, they ranked similar. All of them had nice personalities and excellent administrative skills.
So I upped my ante.
I decided to hire a VA who had marketing experience as well. And that's where they started to differentiate. I was fortunate to hire a VA that was best suited to my needs.
So whether you're meeting someone for romance or for a business deal...always "Date" more than one! :)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
To Risk or Not To Risk?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
This is a BIG question.
Should I enter this relationship? Should I marry this man? Should I take a new job? Should I move to a different city?
What if I fail? What if I look stupid? What if I loose money? What if I can't survive? (If you're asking this question, it's probably best NOT to take the risk!)
One of the biggest risks I ever took was marrying Lorenzo. I'd already had ONE failed marriage. What if I had another one? What if he were using me as an entrance fee into the US of A?
All these doubts. All these questions.
So was getting married worth the risk?
Yes.
So far.
Being in a romantic relationship with Lorenzo has taken me to much deeper levels of myself. To my greatest joys and my deepest fears.
And it's definitely been worth it.
So how do you determine whether to risk or not to risk?
1. To "Ben Franklin"? Or "Dip-Stick"?
My father always said, "If you have a decision to make, do like Ben Franklin...draw a line down the center of the page. On one side list all the advantages. On the other side list the disadvantages. Then see what you've got.
"Ben Franklin" is a Masculine approach to decision making. The Masculine thinks about the risk and the consequences of the choice then makes a logical, intelligent decision.
The Feminine approach is to "Dip-Stick".
When I was deciding whether or not to marry Lorenzo, Dr. Pat Allen suggested I "dip-stick" my feelings.
If I felt like being married to Lorenzo, I'd put a mark under "Yes". If I didn't, I'd mark "No".
After a week (or two) the "Yes" side won. So we got married. (I bet you thought there was more to it. Non?)
So ladies, draw a line down the page and instead of "advantages" and "disadvantages", write YES or NO. Then check in with your feelings several times a day for a week or so.
Even if both sides start out equally, one side will eventually win over the other.
And the "crazy making" rumination between your head and heart (think, feel, think, feel, think, feel...) will stop.
2. Can You Afford the Price Tag?
If taking the risk didn't work out, would you survive it?
If you lost your investment, your partner or the job, would the experience be worth it? (I'm not talking about just dollars and cents.)
Would the actual experience be worth it? Would you become a "better" person? Could you learn something valuable? Can you afford the loss of NOT doing it?
When you look back on your life, is this a worthy investment of your money, time, energy or life experience?
If the answer is "Yes", do it.
I thought DUTY DATING would lead me to my next film project. It didn't.
But DUTY DATING did lead me to my husband.
And being the "Dating Director". And meeting many of you. And the opportunity of creating another career outside the (brutal) film industry.
I learned A LOT writing, directing and producing a feature film. The experience was invaluable. I would never trade it.
And DUTY DATING was completed and distributed internationally. (Even my in-laws saw it on Italian TV:))
3. What's Your Plan B?
I understand many "risk takers" have no Plan B. They say it's because there is simply NO alternative. Fine. If you gotta have it, you gotta have it, so by all means, go for it. Godspeed.
But for some of us, when unexpectedly Life Happens, it's nice to have Plan B. If something doesn't work out the way you want, there's something to fall back on. Even if the "fall back" isn't exactly your dream.
When I made the decision to move to LA, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After all, I was raised in a small Tennessee town. (A BIG city for me was Knoxville.)
But I knew if I fell flat on my butt...if I lost everything I had...and ended up broke on the street, I could ALWAYS go home. Back to Kingsport, Tennessee. My parents would take me in. It wasn't my ideal choice (not theirs either). But at least I had a safety net.
And that's a big comfort. It gives me freedom to take risks.
So I advise having Plan B. Not that you'd ever use it. But knowing it's there can offer you alternatives. And peace of mind.
Here's to the Risk Taker in You!
This is a BIG question.
Should I enter this relationship? Should I marry this man? Should I take a new job? Should I move to a different city?
What if I fail? What if I look stupid? What if I loose money? What if I can't survive? (If you're asking this question, it's probably best NOT to take the risk!)
One of the biggest risks I ever took was marrying Lorenzo. I'd already had ONE failed marriage. What if I had another one? What if he were using me as an entrance fee into the US of A?
All these doubts. All these questions.
So was getting married worth the risk?
Yes.
So far.
Being in a romantic relationship with Lorenzo has taken me to much deeper levels of myself. To my greatest joys and my deepest fears.
And it's definitely been worth it.
So how do you determine whether to risk or not to risk?
1. To "Ben Franklin"? Or "Dip-Stick"?
My father always said, "If you have a decision to make, do like Ben Franklin...draw a line down the center of the page. On one side list all the advantages. On the other side list the disadvantages. Then see what you've got.
"Ben Franklin" is a Masculine approach to decision making. The Masculine thinks about the risk and the consequences of the choice then makes a logical, intelligent decision.
The Feminine approach is to "Dip-Stick".
When I was deciding whether or not to marry Lorenzo, Dr. Pat Allen suggested I "dip-stick" my feelings.
If I felt like being married to Lorenzo, I'd put a mark under "Yes". If I didn't, I'd mark "No".
After a week (or two) the "Yes" side won. So we got married. (I bet you thought there was more to it. Non?)
So ladies, draw a line down the page and instead of "advantages" and "disadvantages", write YES or NO. Then check in with your feelings several times a day for a week or so.
Even if both sides start out equally, one side will eventually win over the other.
And the "crazy making" rumination between your head and heart (think, feel, think, feel, think, feel...) will stop.
2. Can You Afford the Price Tag?
If taking the risk didn't work out, would you survive it?
If you lost your investment, your partner or the job, would the experience be worth it? (I'm not talking about just dollars and cents.)
Would the actual experience be worth it? Would you become a "better" person? Could you learn something valuable? Can you afford the loss of NOT doing it?
When you look back on your life, is this a worthy investment of your money, time, energy or life experience?
If the answer is "Yes", do it.
I thought DUTY DATING would lead me to my next film project. It didn't.
But DUTY DATING did lead me to my husband.
And being the "Dating Director". And meeting many of you. And the opportunity of creating another career outside the (brutal) film industry.
I learned A LOT writing, directing and producing a feature film. The experience was invaluable. I would never trade it.
And DUTY DATING was completed and distributed internationally. (Even my in-laws saw it on Italian TV:))
3. What's Your Plan B?
I understand many "risk takers" have no Plan B. They say it's because there is simply NO alternative. Fine. If you gotta have it, you gotta have it, so by all means, go for it. Godspeed.
But for some of us, when unexpectedly Life Happens, it's nice to have Plan B. If something doesn't work out the way you want, there's something to fall back on. Even if the "fall back" isn't exactly your dream.
When I made the decision to move to LA, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After all, I was raised in a small Tennessee town. (A BIG city for me was Knoxville.)
But I knew if I fell flat on my butt...if I lost everything I had...and ended up broke on the street, I could ALWAYS go home. Back to Kingsport, Tennessee. My parents would take me in. It wasn't my ideal choice (not theirs either). But at least I had a safety net.
And that's a big comfort. It gives me freedom to take risks.
So I advise having Plan B. Not that you'd ever use it. But knowing it's there can offer you alternatives. And peace of mind.
Here's to the Risk Taker in You!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
3 Styles of Relationships: Which One is Right For You?
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
A year after Lorenzo and I were married, we had a difficult time. No matter how much we loved each other, it seemed we were constantly fighting.
We couldn't agree on anything.
Not only were we challenged with the obvious...he's a man and I'm a woman...we had the added complication of Lorenzo being French/Italian and my being American. (Let's just say...I'm not fluent in French or Italian. And his English was "basic".)
I thought we were just having "communication problems". Wrong.
According to Dr. Pat Allen, we were in two completely different styles of relationships.
You might say I was in a "romantic comedy" and Lorenzo was in a "romantic tragedy". (French/Italians can be soooo dramatic!)
No wonder we weren't getting along!
We weren't even on the same stage! We were "acting" in two very different shows.
Understanding our Style of Relationship saved our marriage!
It's my bet that many couples would stay together longer if they understood they weren't in the same relationship style as each other...AND knew what to do about it!
So what Relationship Style do you prefer? And are you in the same style as your partner?
You have three choices.*
* You can change your relationship styles with days of the week (or hours in a day). The secret is to be in the SAME RELATIONSHIP at the SAME TIME as your partner.
BTW...These Styles of Relationships apply in ALL romantic relationships...Straight, Gay or Lesbian.
1. The Buddy Film
This is a relationship of equality. Both partners share 50/50 percent of the responsibility.
Both partners contribute financially. Both partners contribute to the homemaking.
Both partners want to be respected for their thinking and cherished for their feelings.
Both partners can lead. Both partners can follow. Just not at the same time.
This style of relationship works very well with dual income families, couples without children and couples who have children who have grown and gone. (It also seems to be the preferred style of the "younger generation".)
The secret to keeping romantic intimacy in a "Buddy Film" is to "cross-talk" with your partner.
When one partner wants to be respected for his or her thinking, he/she must ask how their partner feels about it.
The same is true when one partner wants to share feelings. It's best if he/she asks what their partner thinks.
If you tell your partner what you think then ask what he/she thinks...you're striking a business deal.
Sharing feelings to feelings is a friendship.
(Not saying you can't have "business deals" and "friendships" inside of a romantic relationship...there are appropriate moments for sure...just be aware!)
2. Romantic Tragedy
This is the most passionate Style of Relationship. By far the most dramatic.
And it can be a lot of fun.
Until your body gives out and your emotions are crazed.
And you could die.
Seriously. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
A Romantic Tragedy is your classic "co-dependent" relationship. It's often known as "Master/Slave".
It's a relationship style where one partner is respected for his/her thoughts AND feelings. And the other partner gets no vote.
Then the roles change.
"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you."
You come, you go, you come, you go.
Well...You get the idea.
3. Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy is the most intimate Style of Relationship.
It's also the most clumsy.
You're more likely to stumble over your partner's toes.
A Romantic Comedy is like a waltz. It's a relationship with one designated leader and one designated follower.
In DUTY DATING, I used the example of one designated driver and one designated passenger.
The driver of the relationship is respected for his/her thoughts.
The passenger is cherished for her/his feelings.
The driver makes the plan. The passenger expresses how she/he feels about it.*
* The power of the passenger is the "Veto" vote. When anything doesn't feel good or is illegal, immoral or unethical, the passenger can say "NO WAY".
REMEMBER: If you have two drivers in a relationship, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere.
So you gotta decide.
Which Style of Relationship is Right For You?
A year after Lorenzo and I were married, we had a difficult time. No matter how much we loved each other, it seemed we were constantly fighting.
We couldn't agree on anything.
Not only were we challenged with the obvious...he's a man and I'm a woman...we had the added complication of Lorenzo being French/Italian and my being American. (Let's just say...I'm not fluent in French or Italian. And his English was "basic".)
I thought we were just having "communication problems". Wrong.
According to Dr. Pat Allen, we were in two completely different styles of relationships.
You might say I was in a "romantic comedy" and Lorenzo was in a "romantic tragedy". (French/Italians can be soooo dramatic!)
No wonder we weren't getting along!
We weren't even on the same stage! We were "acting" in two very different shows.
Understanding our Style of Relationship saved our marriage!
It's my bet that many couples would stay together longer if they understood they weren't in the same relationship style as each other...AND knew what to do about it!
So what Relationship Style do you prefer? And are you in the same style as your partner?
You have three choices.*
* You can change your relationship styles with days of the week (or hours in a day). The secret is to be in the SAME RELATIONSHIP at the SAME TIME as your partner.
BTW...These Styles of Relationships apply in ALL romantic relationships...Straight, Gay or Lesbian.
1. The Buddy Film
This is a relationship of equality. Both partners share 50/50 percent of the responsibility.
Both partners contribute financially. Both partners contribute to the homemaking.
Both partners want to be respected for their thinking and cherished for their feelings.
Both partners can lead. Both partners can follow. Just not at the same time.
This style of relationship works very well with dual income families, couples without children and couples who have children who have grown and gone. (It also seems to be the preferred style of the "younger generation".)
The secret to keeping romantic intimacy in a "Buddy Film" is to "cross-talk" with your partner.
When one partner wants to be respected for his or her thinking, he/she must ask how their partner feels about it.
The same is true when one partner wants to share feelings. It's best if he/she asks what their partner thinks.
If you tell your partner what you think then ask what he/she thinks...you're striking a business deal.
Sharing feelings to feelings is a friendship.
(Not saying you can't have "business deals" and "friendships" inside of a romantic relationship...there are appropriate moments for sure...just be aware!)
2. Romantic Tragedy
This is the most passionate Style of Relationship. By far the most dramatic.
And it can be a lot of fun.
Until your body gives out and your emotions are crazed.
And you could die.
Seriously. (Remember O.J., anyone?)
A Romantic Tragedy is your classic "co-dependent" relationship. It's often known as "Master/Slave".
It's a relationship style where one partner is respected for his/her thoughts AND feelings. And the other partner gets no vote.
Then the roles change.
"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you."
You come, you go, you come, you go.
Well...You get the idea.
3. Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy is the most intimate Style of Relationship.
It's also the most clumsy.
You're more likely to stumble over your partner's toes.
A Romantic Comedy is like a waltz. It's a relationship with one designated leader and one designated follower.
In DUTY DATING, I used the example of one designated driver and one designated passenger.
The driver of the relationship is respected for his/her thoughts.
The passenger is cherished for her/his feelings.
The driver makes the plan. The passenger expresses how she/he feels about it.*
* The power of the passenger is the "Veto" vote. When anything doesn't feel good or is illegal, immoral or unethical, the passenger can say "NO WAY".
REMEMBER: If you have two drivers in a relationship, you'll fight over the wheel. If you have two passengers, you'll never get anywhere.
So you gotta decide.
Which Style of Relationship is Right For You?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
7 Essential Habits for Loving Your Life
by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"
Last summer I received an e-mail from my cousin titled, "5 Essential Habits to Protect Your Most Essential Commodity...YOU." (The author wasn't mentioned, although they referenced the Girl Scouts.)
At the time, I was "releasing a toleration" in my life and this article hit home. It validated my decision to end a long-term friendship that was no longer working.
Although I've embellished the article (and added 2 habits of my own) the premise of this message is clear...YOU are your most valuable commodity. You need to invest in it and protect it.
And be in the habit of Loving Your Life.
1. Take Care of YOU First.
Always. No matter what. No excuses.
If you do something for someone else without taking care of yourself first, you'll resent it. And you'll end up punishing yourself.
Workout. Eat well. Relax. Take care of your body. Take time out. Keep away from toxic people and toxic situations. If you don't feel good, you aren't good...for anybody. Most importantly...for yourself.
REMEMBER: The Feminine mantra is: "I FEEL Good to DO good."
Masculine is the opposite: "I DO Good to FEEL Good."
2. Don't Do Everything Alone.
It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's usually not worth it.
And it's impossible.
Ask for help. Find support. Delegate. Or simply don't do it.
If you're overworked and overwhelmed, you're not good for anybody...most importantly...yourself. (Sound familiar?)
(Good. You're gettin' it!)
3. Learn to Say "NO".
I can NEVER say this enough! The power of the feminine comes from saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, illegal or unethical.
It is also saying "NO" to anything that doesn't FEEL good.
"No. I don't feel like working this hard."
"No. I don't feel like picking up after Your mess."
"No. I don't want to go out because I feel tired."
I don't know why saying "NO" is soooooo hard for many of us. But saying "NO" can often support the greater good of "yes".
Saying "NO" to other people's requests helps us achieve our more important goals...specifically taking care of ourselves.
Believe me. It's okay. You will still be loved when you say "NO" because you simply can't (or won't) do it all.
4. Prioritize.
Know what's important. And more importantly...what's NOT.
If it doesn't fit with your passion, values and goals, don't do it.
No matter what.
Someone else will do it (if it really needs to be done) and everything will be just fine. I promise.
5. Accept. Reject. But NEVER TOLERATE.
Accept a person or a situation for who or what it is. Or walk away from it.
NEVER tolerate a person or situation. NEVER. Toleration will hurt you. It will destroy the relationship anyway. And it can make you sick.
Tolerations are the things that you "put up" with. Incomplete decisions. Negative people. Broken agreements. Petty annoyances. Irritants.
Basically, everything that gets on your nerves is toleration.
Get rid of your tolerations. Or make a plan to accept them.
6. Go Where You're Wanted
People who need people are lucky people.
People who want people who don't want them are unworthy people.
Stay away from people and places where you don't feel wanted. Or appreciated. Or acknowledged.
Life is so much easier when you put yourself with people and in situations where you're wanted.
People who like you and want you will make you feel good. Go with them. Godspeed.
7. Talk Less. Listen More.
(This is a really hard one.) But talking is exhausting.
It's easier to listen. You don't work so hard. And you learn things.
When you listen you can see the person for who he is. You can see what he has to offer. You can see what he doesn't.
Masculine men appreciate women who listen...so listen up, girls! Show him respect by appreciating his ideas and what he gives you.
Your rewards will be enormous.
In more ways than you can imagine.
Believe me.:)
Last summer I received an e-mail from my cousin titled, "5 Essential Habits to Protect Your Most Essential Commodity...YOU." (The author wasn't mentioned, although they referenced the Girl Scouts.)
At the time, I was "releasing a toleration" in my life and this article hit home. It validated my decision to end a long-term friendship that was no longer working.
Although I've embellished the article (and added 2 habits of my own) the premise of this message is clear...YOU are your most valuable commodity. You need to invest in it and protect it.
And be in the habit of Loving Your Life.
1. Take Care of YOU First.
Always. No matter what. No excuses.
If you do something for someone else without taking care of yourself first, you'll resent it. And you'll end up punishing yourself.
Workout. Eat well. Relax. Take care of your body. Take time out. Keep away from toxic people and toxic situations. If you don't feel good, you aren't good...for anybody. Most importantly...for yourself.
REMEMBER: The Feminine mantra is: "I FEEL Good to DO good."
Masculine is the opposite: "I DO Good to FEEL Good."
2. Don't Do Everything Alone.
It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's usually not worth it.
And it's impossible.
Ask for help. Find support. Delegate. Or simply don't do it.
If you're overworked and overwhelmed, you're not good for anybody...most importantly...yourself. (Sound familiar?)
(Good. You're gettin' it!)
3. Learn to Say "NO".
I can NEVER say this enough! The power of the feminine comes from saying "NO" to anything that is immoral, illegal or unethical.
It is also saying "NO" to anything that doesn't FEEL good.
"No. I don't feel like working this hard."
"No. I don't feel like picking up after Your mess."
"No. I don't want to go out because I feel tired."
I don't know why saying "NO" is soooooo hard for many of us. But saying "NO" can often support the greater good of "yes".
Saying "NO" to other people's requests helps us achieve our more important goals...specifically taking care of ourselves.
Believe me. It's okay. You will still be loved when you say "NO" because you simply can't (or won't) do it all.
4. Prioritize.
Know what's important. And more importantly...what's NOT.
If it doesn't fit with your passion, values and goals, don't do it.
No matter what.
Someone else will do it (if it really needs to be done) and everything will be just fine. I promise.
5. Accept. Reject. But NEVER TOLERATE.
Accept a person or a situation for who or what it is. Or walk away from it.
NEVER tolerate a person or situation. NEVER. Toleration will hurt you. It will destroy the relationship anyway. And it can make you sick.
Tolerations are the things that you "put up" with. Incomplete decisions. Negative people. Broken agreements. Petty annoyances. Irritants.
Basically, everything that gets on your nerves is toleration.
Get rid of your tolerations. Or make a plan to accept them.
6. Go Where You're Wanted
People who need people are lucky people.
People who want people who don't want them are unworthy people.
Stay away from people and places where you don't feel wanted. Or appreciated. Or acknowledged.
Life is so much easier when you put yourself with people and in situations where you're wanted.
People who like you and want you will make you feel good. Go with them. Godspeed.
7. Talk Less. Listen More.
(This is a really hard one.) But talking is exhausting.
It's easier to listen. You don't work so hard. And you learn things.
When you listen you can see the person for who he is. You can see what he has to offer. You can see what he doesn't.
Masculine men appreciate women who listen...so listen up, girls! Show him respect by appreciating his ideas and what he gives you.
Your rewards will be enormous.
In more ways than you can imagine.
Believe me.:)
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