How to Divorce a Friend

by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my dear friend, Lauren, whom I hadn't seen in ages. As we were catching up over burgers and salad, she asked about a friend of mine who I've known for many years.

"I don't know how she is," I answered. "I divorced her."

"What happened?" She asked incredulously.

Well...there wasn't anything that happened. And that's the difficult part.

If you've had an argument with someone or you've reached a "non-negotiable" or if life takes you in different directions, it's "easy" to end the relationship.

But when NOTHING out of the ordinary happens...when there's no reason to "break-up" other than you've outgrown the friendship, it's sticky.

"Basically," I told Lauren, "I didn't feel good when this friend called me.

I ALWAYS felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard from her.

It was ALWAYS a big 'ole ''Should' to return her call and I ALWAYS dreaded getting together because I didn't enjoy it when we did.

This friendship was an energy drain. Not a pleasant pick-me-up. So I ended it."

"Wow," Lauren said. "I'm thinking of two friends I need to divorce...but I don't know how."

Breaking off a friendship is not easy...but here are 3 ideas:

1. Don't Be As Available

If you don't want a complete "split" with your "friend," but you don't want to see them as often, simply be busy.

You're not as available. Your time is limited. And other than "you're busy"...you owe no excuses.

Often we have to see our "friends" (or our ex's) because of school or work or attending the same church or living in the same neighborhood.

The easiest thing to do is to back-off. Don't be as available.

2. Don't Have a "Conversation" About It

If you're divorcing your friend because you don't want to be friends, there's nothing to say.

To say, "I don't want to be friends anymore because I don't like you" is hurtful.

To say, "I don't want to be friends because I don't like the way you do things" you risk their response being, "I'll change. I'll do it your way".

Then you're screwed.

And you're building.

To have a "conversation" about why you can't be friends is counter productive. It simply doesn't work.

3. Don't Respond

This is a tough one. You feel like an ass.

I didn't respond to my "ex-friend" for 6 months before she got the message. And it was tough!

When she sent me a holiday card, I almost broke down and called. But in calling, I knew nothing would have changed and I would have to start the break-up all over again...later. So I didn't.

Albert Ellis, a famous American psychologist says, "People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection."

So true.

It's not easy to divorce your friends. But it can be easier than having to deal with them.

How Falling in Love is Like Having a New Puppy

by Cherry Norris, "The Dating Director"

The night before Valentine's Day, my husband, Lorenzo, walked up the stairs carrying a small bundle of fur.

Looking up from my computer, I asked, "What's that? Is it stuffed? Is it alive?"

Lorenzo set the "fluff ball" on the floor. It barely moved. I couldn't see his eyes for all the hair.

But I knew. It's a dog.

(OMG!)

I could not believe Lorenzo did that. I could not believe he bought us a new puppy!

(Talk about taking a risk!)

But within the first week, I realized having a new puppy is very much like falling in love.

1. It's Unexpected

Just like talking about falling in love, you never really expect it when it happens. Falling in love is what you'll do someday. When you meet the right person. When you have all your affairs in order. Or after the next trip...

Then you meet him and all your plans go out the window.

I couldn't speak when Lorenzo bought me a dog. We had talked about getting a dog.

Someday.

But here it was. Live. Real. In-person.

Meeting Biscuit wasn't a WOW moment like..."Oh WOW! I'm so excited!" And I'm running around screaming, "Oh WOW!" It was more like, "Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Hell. Oh. Wow."

This is OUR dog.

This is it.

This is what "Love" is?

Oh. Wow.

2. It's Obnoxious

Like a couple kissing and fondling each other in public, not caring who's watching because they're sooooo in love...having a new puppy is just as down right obnoxious.

I've never been one of those "dog people". They're so obnoxious about their animals.

Until now.

Now, I'm an obnoxious "dog person".

And I don't care who sees it.

I want to show "my love" to everyone.

Oh, how happy we are! Isn't he cute? I share stories of our meeting with strangers. (Happy sigh.)

It's obnoxious. It's really. Really. Obnoxious.

3. It's Terrifying

In the beginning, "Love" is so fabulous. It's so new. It's so exciting!

And then you realize you have to live in real life. And "Love" has needs. But you don't know what they are, because you've just met.

You don't know each other at all. You don't know what he's thinking.

And that's when the terror hits.

And just like falling in love, you realize no matter how much you think you're prepared, you're not.

I've entertained the notion of having a dog. I like the idea of a loyal companion accompanying me on my walks. I like the idea of something cute looking up at me. I like the IDEA of having a dog.

But the reality is I know NOTHING about raising a puppy. I have no idea how to take care of it! What if I screw it up?

What if I kill it?

I told Lorenzo he couldn't go back to work until the puppy was an adult. He couldn't leave me alone with Biscuit!

It was terrifying.

(Lorenzo did leave me alone with Biscuit. I'm fine now.) (In case you were wondering.)

4. It's Difficult to Say "NO"

Just like saying "NO" to having sex too soon, it was just as difficult to say "NO" to Biscuit when he wanted to jump on the sofa.

I really, really wanted him to come to me. It would be great to cuddle with him on the sofa, but it was our second day. I had to say "NO".

Jumping on furniture is not a habit I want to encourage.

Friends couldn't belive my willpower. Most of them said, "You'll give in. You can't resist. You'll have to have him with you on your sofa."

But I knew if I let him have his way from the beginning, I'd pay for it in the long-run. I knew he wouldn't respect me.

I knew he'd walk all over me. Spoiled.

And I knew that once I said "YES" it would be very, very difficult to say "NO" again. If ever.

(Okay, I admit...I've let him up a few times, but...not EVERY time!:))

5. It's Work, but It's So Worth It

Like a romantic relationship, having a new puppy is a lot of work.

You have to tend it. It takes time. You have another responsibility in your life. With someone who has their own ideas and opinions about things.

But you're committed. And it's a priority.

With Biscuit, we bathe him, feed him, walk him, poo him, brush him, medicate him and take him to the vet.

And like a typical man, Biscuit is always in our business. He wants to be a part of Everything!

And I love it.

He's so joyful. And playful. And adorable. (Everyone thinks so!)

He's so good. (Everyone says so!)

And soooo sweet. (Everyone loves him!)

(I warned you..."It's Obnoxious!")

And I'm such a Proud Mama. (I've Never heard myself say that before!)

And although I've never experienced childbirth, I imagine holding a new baby must evoked similar sentiments.

Falling in Love...is So Worth It!

Here's to the "Loves" in Your Life!